Wednesday, April 08, 2009

By god, Woodrow, it’s been quite a party, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How bad is it?
This economy is so bad Madonna tried to adopt a poor starving real estate agent but she was turned down.

Somali pirates hijacked an American supply ship, but the hostages escaped. Actually the pirates were looking to kidnap a baby for some crazy lady who hired them named Schmadonna.

How did this happen?
The US Postmaster General says the US Post Office lost $2.8 billion last year. How could the mail lose so much money? That figure is so shocking I instantly e-mailed it, text messaged it, g-mailed it, Twitter’d it and posted it on my blog and my Facebook and MySpace pages.

Huh? (Thanks Jane)
The economy is so bad a chimp male had to take his girlfriend to McDonalds to get her a hamburger for sex.

A new study claims male chimpanzees exchange meat to female chimps for sex. Or something like that, I didn’t finish the article because I took my wife out to Morton’s steak house.

India has produced the world’s cheapest car called the Nano. The Nano is so cheap people in India can afford to hire US. technical supporters to drive them.

India has produced the world’s cheapest car called the Nano. The Nano is so cheap that Slumdog Millionaire kid bought 5,000 of them.

Bad news, good news
Ex Ill. Gov. Rod Balgojevich faces big prison time if convicted of 16 the counts for which he is indicted. Some good news, if Blagojevich is sent away, Madonna has offered to adopt his hair.

Since you asked:

It is truly amazing the great people we meet along this circuitous journey we call life.

(Polite applause growing to deafening ovation)

While my lovely wife and daughter are up in the happiest place on earth, I am taking a day off.

“How the hell does somebody who doesn’t do anything take the day off?”

Hey, I heard that Mister Cletus “T-Bone” Terhune, I am sitting right here for crying out loud.

Yes sir, a good three mile run, a good work out followed by a grilled fillet with horseradish sauce and a salad with a nice glass – or two – of Cab and the movie “Lonesome Dove” are in this here Gaucho’s not-to-distant future.

“ . . . or four or five glasses . . .”

Do not make me come up there, “T-Bone”.

Ahhh, memories . . .

There I was in all my taut and track-trained chiseled vigor of youth on a beautiful Spring day in bucolic Winnetka, Illinois in front of New Trier nee East High School. Running due West for an after-school run towards and on the Indian Hills Country Club golf course just as school was letting out, everyone in the world was milling about, so I picked up the pace trying to look as relaxed and effortless as possible.

What do I spot out of the corner of my eye? Directly across the street, in front of the drug store, was the other-worldly lovely Judy Davison about to put her bicycle into the back seat of her Mom’s faux wood-paneled forest green Ford station wagon.

No sooner then the long flaxen-haired Judy bends over to push the bike farther into the car to shut the back door, a gorgeous warm fresh clean gust of April wind off of Lake Michigan blows her blue plaid skirt way up in the air exposing her amazing dancer-firmed thighs, buttocks and her tight lily white panties.

The next thing I know all I can see is bright flash of light and all I can hear is a deafening:


. . and I am on my butt on the sidewalk looking up at the still quivering street sign that I had just run into accompanied by the loud, hysterical laughter of the entire student body.

Yes, Slats and Nugs, its hard to believe, but I have always been this cool.