Friday, January 30, 2009

Yo Slumdog-money, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A woman in California had eight babies. A delivery room nurse said the mother’s who-ha looked like the front gate at the opening of a Jonas Brothers concert.

How cold is it?
It is so cold in New York, the cab drivers had to apply Chap stick to their middle fingers.

It is so cold in New York, one cab driver used his Snuggie as a turban.

Sad sign of the times
Sales of Viagra are down 80%. Sadly, sales of popsicle sticks and duct tape are up 80%.

Arab P.R.
Barack Obama is appealing to Muslims by appearing on Arab TV shows. Next week he is going to make a cameo on the Muslim comedy “Two and a Half Mullahs.”

Obama may even make a cameo on the upcoming Muslim movie “Dude, Where’s My Camel?”

Seven Japanese diners were seriously ill after eating poisonous blowfish testicles. That’s right, they ate the blowfish’s Hooties.

Seven Japanese diners were seriously ill after eating poisonous blowfish testicles. The good news is this story has inspired a new band: “Pukie and the Blowfish.”

They need it like that
How about those storms back east? New York needs another storm like Jeremy Piven needs another tuna roll.

Yuck, 2
Seven diners in Japan were seriously ill after eating poisonous blowfish testicles. That settles it, I am never going to eat the gonads from a deadly fish again.

Oui kid the French
The entire nation of France is having a work strike. People aren’t working, they’re angry, they’re shouting at each other. In other words it’s pretty much like normal.

The openly gay mayor of Portland, Sam Adams, is being accused of having an affair with an 18-year-old intern; Apparently the mayor asked the young man if he’d like to slam down a Sam Adams. And then he said they could go get a beer.

Not really
Resigned-due-to-a-gay-sex-scandal former evangelical minister Ted Haggard appeared on “Oprah” and said he is not gay, he is heterosexual with issues. Is that like a gift with purchase?

Sales of Viagra are down 80%. When asked to comment about the drop, a spokeswoman for Viagra said; “It’s OK, it happens, um, I have to go to bed anyway. We, uh, can try later.”

Can you believe the size of this guy’s?
At his impeachment hearing, Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich denied any wrongdoing despite federal tapes that caught him seeking bribes. Can you believe this guy? First he compares himself to Gandhi now this. Apparently his hair is only the third biggest thing on this guy.

Meanwhile Illinois politicians have begun a search for their next governor, or as we would call it, the next suspect.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Taking it to the streets, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That big, huh?
A woman in California had eight babies. It was a good thing, right before she delivered her stomach was as big as Aretha Franklin’s hat.

How cold is it?
It is so cold in Washington DC ten people tried to crawl inside of Aretha Franklin’s hat.

The next thing
A hot selling item now is the Snuggie: a blanket with sleeves. What will they think of next? A pillow with pockets? A Pillocket?

Barack Obama is attempting to make torture illegal in the US. So, guys, good news, that means no “Bride Wars” sequel.

Same thing
Jose Conseco fought Danny Bonaduce to a celebrity boxing match. Celebrity boxing match? Really? Calling Conseco and Bonaduce celebrities is like calling Dick Cheney a humanitarian.

Just a guess
In Japan, seven diners were sickened after eating the delicacy poison blowfish testicles; I'm not a nutritionist, but I think the reason they fell ill was because they ate poisoned blowfish testicles.

For the love of god, get some help Jeremy Piven.

Going well
The transition at the White House is going well. They almost have gotten all the rabid bats and tarantulas out of Dick Cheney’s sulfur-smoke belching cave.

Bizaro world
Brazil soccer star Robinho was arrested in England for sexual assault on an 18-year-old woman. A soccer player is accused of sexually assaulting a woman and an NBA player, Eddy Curry, is charged with sexual harassment buy a guy? My world makes no sense anymore.

Helmet head Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich is running around TV shows crying about being persecuted. It is the worst case of mistaken martyrdom since Michael Jackson complained about not being named baby sitter of the year.

Since you asked:

The other night I had a mild epiphany the likes of which deserves to be utterly ignored.

It suddenly hit me, as I was yawning and checking my watch on a minute-to-minute basis waiting for that three hour period between 11:00 PM and 11:35 PM and the start of “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” (Yes, I DVR record it, but I love to watch it live when I think I have a joke on)

The core of all human entertainment, movies, TV, books, radio, restaurants, bars, music, clubs and most if not all recreational drug use and alcohol abuse and proscription drug use, as well as many relationships, are all aimed at the same instinctive prehistoric need to make it through the night.

No less than the great John Lennon himself sang; “Whatever gets you through the night is alright.”

Now I can hear people say;

“No, I love the night, I am a night owl.”

Do you really love the night or do you just love the things that are available to help get you through the night? My contention is the people who are the most active at night are really the most afraid of the night and they are whistling through the graveyard.

Not that long ago, in the grand scheme of things, night was terrifying to our ancient ancestors because there were predators better adapted to hunt at night than we were. We had to find a safe place and hold up and hopefully sleep. The sight of daylight meant we lived to see another day.

When I was a little kid, the nightlight was a big controversy. Mother wanted and it and Dad thought it was a crutch and that kids should toughen up and get used to the dark. With my brother it was not an option. He had to have a nightlight, and when I slept in the room with him on trips and such, I had it too.

Until one night we were visiting my Grandmother in Louisville, the sweater my brother threw on the chair next to the nightlight caught on fire and we woke up to a literally blazing red sweater. To my four-year-older brother’s credit he got up and put the sweater out and went back to bed. It was the first and last calm act of bravery of his life. But he probably saved all of our lives.

From that moment on the only thing more terrifying to me than the dark was a nightlight.

Think of all the mythology and literature that has terrifying creatures that only come out at night. The unspoken star of those stories isn’t werewolves or vampires, it is night and or darkness itself. It has been said that darkness is the only non-physically harmful thing that all humans are terrified of, excuse my preposition. And for many darkness is their worst fear.

There is a great line from the old Huron chief in “Last of the Mohicans.”

“The white men came into our world and night entered our day.”

Night has been synonymous with depression and hard times forever. The dark ages?

It is my assertion that the deep rooted terror and motivation to pass the time at night and make it to the safe morning is what inspires a lot of human endeavors. That is why we are a people who put so much stock in our story tellers and entertainers.

And even idiot joke tellers.

That theory and $5 will get you a cup of coffee at the Starbucks they are about to close.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Dude abides, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


TV is switching over to digital, phones are digital, radio is available in digital. And although I am not sure how this works, as of August 3, Hostess announced Pop Tarts are going digital.

Not good

McDonald’s profits are up 80% during this recession. It appears we will be the first country in history to get a big ol’ lard ass in lean times.

Oui kid the French

Former French President Jacques Chirac was rushed to a hospital after being mauled by his clinically depressed French poodle. After that attack, the entire city of Paris surrendered to the poodle and then the dog marched up the Champs-Elysees in triumph.

Not true

One of the urban myths about the Super Bowl is that entire city sewage systems burst at halftime from pressure of the simultaneous flushing of so many toilets. In fact the only NFL-related sewage problem is the Detroit Lions.

More like it

In numerous TV interviews, impeached Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich compared himself to Martin Luther King and Gandhi. Really? See, I think he’s more like Ron Popeil and a Chia Pet.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Screw runways, let’s land this here beyatch in the Hudson, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not true
One of the urban myths about the Super Bowl is that entire city sewage systems burst at halftime from pressure of the simultaneous flushing of so many toilets. In fact the only NFL-related sewage problem is, well, the Detroit Lions.

Easy predictions
Guys here are Valentines Day predictions: if you get your woman something with a diamond, you’ll have a good Valentines Day. If you get your woman a Snuggie, it could go either way. If you get your wife a ShamWOW, you’ll sleep alone on the couch.

Not sure about that
The Chicago Cubs were sold to a private family, the Ricketts, for $900 million. But I am not sure how this will work. Today the Cubs announced two roster moves, their opening day pitcher will be 16-year-old Cooper Ricketts and their new third baseman is 12-year-old Hannah Ricketts.

Sorry about that
The Chicago Cubs were sold to a private family, the Ricketts, for $900 million. In a related story, the cool kids at Lake Michigan Elementary School would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Clarence Ricketts for hanging him from his underwear on a locker hook.

One night
“People” magazine had fun facts about the White House. Did you know the White House has locks and keys on the doors? They didn’t until one late night when Hillary Clinton had them installed to lock out Bill.

Did you know the First Lady gets her own hybrid rose? Yes, Hillary’s rose is called, Bill says he is really, really sorry.

New meaning
New York Knick Eddy Curry is being sued for sexual harassment by his male ex-driver. Kind of brings new meaning to the term backdoor pass.

White House facts
Do you know what the color the White House is painted? Whisper White. Except when the Clintons were there, then it wasn’t Whisper White it was “Shhhhhh, Hilary will hear us” White.

There are perks to living in the White House. 24 hour kitchen staff, full time drivers and limos, and, up until eight years ago, all interns received a free breast exam from the President himself.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Floggin’ the blog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good news for Chicago Cubs fans, the Tribune Co. has decided who they will sell the Cubs to. Even better news for Cubs fans? The buyer is not former President George W. Bush. Whew.

The Ricketts family waited to buy the Cubs until OJ Simpson was in prison so he wouldn’t try and steal the Cubs back.

Too bad
Did you hear about what happened today? Just as they salvaged the lost engine from the US Airways jet in the Hudson river, a boatload of brazen Somali pirates stole it.

We kid the ex Prez
President Barack Obama will use his BlackBerry to be the first President to send e-mails; President Bush tried to write e-mails but he kept breaking his crayon on the computer screen.

President Barack Obama will be allowed to use his BlackBerry as President. In addition, they will allow President Bush to take the White House’s Game Boy with him to Texas.

So that’s where it was
They found that lost engine from the US Airways jet that crash landed in the Hudson river. Some big fat New Jersey Mafia guy named Vinny had it on a gold chain around his neck.

They found that lost engine from the US Airways jet that crash landed in the Hudson river. Aretha Franklin made a hat out of it.

Far better
Larry King said he was thrilled to see the first African American sworn in as President. It was much better than the time King saw the first African slave brought to America.

Right on time
Remember that plane US Airways plane that landed in the Hudson river? Great news. FEMA just showed up to help the passengers get out.

What’s the deal?
Not to be a kill-joy, but Barack Obama has been president for about a week and, frankly, I am disappointed. I went to get my mail and there wasn’t one single check from Oprah Winfrey.

Yesterday I washed my car and today it rained. What’s up with that, Obama?

Our bedroom bathroom toilet still runs if you don’t jiggle the handle.

Well, at least he has that
This is a bittersweet time for President Bush. On one hand he is leaving eight years of office with a very questionable record. On the other hand he has a lot more time to play Guitar Hero.

The perfect gift
Guys, not too early to shop for Valentines Day presents. I got my wife a gift she is going to love. It is a Snuggie made out of a ShamWow. A SnugWow. Now she can stay warm while cleaning.

Since you asked:
As my regular readers may know – all sixteen of you – if there are two things I cannot stand to do it is brag and or exaggerate about my grilling prowess.

But last night I may have created the single greatest food ever cooked.

OK, that may be over-selling it a bit.

Here is how I made my latest invention:

Lex’s Slider Gliders

The key is to get King’s Hawaiian sweet dinner rolls. Next get 85/15% fat pre-formed hamburger patties. One sweet onion, tomatoes and sandwich pickle slices and muenster cheese slices.

Divide each patty into fourths with a knife. Form them into round patties complete with an indentation at the top so they don’t ball up when you grill them.

Slice the onion into thin slices and sauté them on low heat in a pan slowly until they caramelize to a nice soft brown.

Dust the mini burgers with garlic powder and pepper. Heavy dollop of Worcestershire (Hey, I spelled it right for the first time) sauce slathered on top. Heat up the oven to 400 and start the grill. Slice up tomato slices. Mix in a bowl of equal parts Ketchup, honey mustard and mayo for the hamburger goop.

Grill the burgers on high, go back inside and put the buns in the oven. Go back outside after a scant couple of minutes and flip the burgers and put a small ¼ piece of Muenster cheese on them at the end. (They obviously take less time to grill than a regular burger due to their smaller size)

The buns/rolls should be a heavenly golden brown. Smear the hamburger goop on the inside of the buns, burger on one side, a thin slice of tomato and a 1-4 slice of pickle on the other side of the bun, put the grilled onions on top of the burger and bam. Slight smoosh down on the bun to compact and Bob is your crazy-assed Uncle.

Serve with an all American lettuce and sliced carrots salad with Ranch dressing and bam, boom, bing. If you say you ate less than three you are lying.

Perfect for the Super Bowl, or the Sap-boo-yah Bah-boo-ruh, as the esteemed and legendary James “Wally Kachooks” Walters would call it.

Pre Super Bowl cocktail? Lex’s Purple Haze. Vodka and Cran/Grape juice on the rocks. Then slap yourself silly and call yourself Betsy, ‘cause it be game time, yo.