Monday, January 26, 2009

Floggin’ the blog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good news for Chicago Cubs fans, the Tribune Co. has decided who they will sell the Cubs to. Even better news for Cubs fans? The buyer is not former President George W. Bush. Whew.

The Ricketts family waited to buy the Cubs until OJ Simpson was in prison so he wouldn’t try and steal the Cubs back.

Too bad
Did you hear about what happened today? Just as they salvaged the lost engine from the US Airways jet in the Hudson river, a boatload of brazen Somali pirates stole it.

We kid the ex Prez
President Barack Obama will use his BlackBerry to be the first President to send e-mails; President Bush tried to write e-mails but he kept breaking his crayon on the computer screen.

President Barack Obama will be allowed to use his BlackBerry as President. In addition, they will allow President Bush to take the White House’s Game Boy with him to Texas.

So that’s where it was
They found that lost engine from the US Airways jet that crash landed in the Hudson river. Some big fat New Jersey Mafia guy named Vinny had it on a gold chain around his neck.

They found that lost engine from the US Airways jet that crash landed in the Hudson river. Aretha Franklin made a hat out of it.

Far better
Larry King said he was thrilled to see the first African American sworn in as President. It was much better than the time King saw the first African slave brought to America.

Right on time
Remember that plane US Airways plane that landed in the Hudson river? Great news. FEMA just showed up to help the passengers get out.

What’s the deal?
Not to be a kill-joy, but Barack Obama has been president for about a week and, frankly, I am disappointed. I went to get my mail and there wasn’t one single check from Oprah Winfrey.

Yesterday I washed my car and today it rained. What’s up with that, Obama?

Our bedroom bathroom toilet still runs if you don’t jiggle the handle.

Well, at least he has that
This is a bittersweet time for President Bush. On one hand he is leaving eight years of office with a very questionable record. On the other hand he has a lot more time to play Guitar Hero.

The perfect gift
Guys, not too early to shop for Valentines Day presents. I got my wife a gift she is going to love. It is a Snuggie made out of a ShamWow. A SnugWow. Now she can stay warm while cleaning.

Since you asked:
As my regular readers may know – all sixteen of you – if there are two things I cannot stand to do it is brag and or exaggerate about my grilling prowess.

But last night I may have created the single greatest food ever cooked.

OK, that may be over-selling it a bit.

Here is how I made my latest invention:

Lex’s Slider Gliders

The key is to get King’s Hawaiian sweet dinner rolls. Next get 85/15% fat pre-formed hamburger patties. One sweet onion, tomatoes and sandwich pickle slices and muenster cheese slices.

Divide each patty into fourths with a knife. Form them into round patties complete with an indentation at the top so they don’t ball up when you grill them.

Slice the onion into thin slices and sauté them on low heat in a pan slowly until they caramelize to a nice soft brown.

Dust the mini burgers with garlic powder and pepper. Heavy dollop of Worcestershire (Hey, I spelled it right for the first time) sauce slathered on top. Heat up the oven to 400 and start the grill. Slice up tomato slices. Mix in a bowl of equal parts Ketchup, honey mustard and mayo for the hamburger goop.

Grill the burgers on high, go back inside and put the buns in the oven. Go back outside after a scant couple of minutes and flip the burgers and put a small ¼ piece of Muenster cheese on them at the end. (They obviously take less time to grill than a regular burger due to their smaller size)

The buns/rolls should be a heavenly golden brown. Smear the hamburger goop on the inside of the buns, burger on one side, a thin slice of tomato and a 1-4 slice of pickle on the other side of the bun, put the grilled onions on top of the burger and bam. Slight smoosh down on the bun to compact and Bob is your crazy-assed Uncle.

Serve with an all American lettuce and sliced carrots salad with Ranch dressing and bam, boom, bing. If you say you ate less than three you are lying.

Perfect for the Super Bowl, or the Sap-boo-yah Bah-boo-ruh, as the esteemed and legendary James “Wally Kachooks” Walters would call it.

Pre Super Bowl cocktail? Lex’s Purple Haze. Vodka and Cran/Grape juice on the rocks. Then slap yourself silly and call yourself Betsy, ‘cause it be game time, yo.