Friday, October 17, 2008

Go ahead and call me a Waterman, I don’t give a good never mind, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who knows?
In Liberia, police found multiple marijuana farms in a county named Bong. There is no telling what they may find in the towns of Roofies, Blow, Smack and Crack.

After the last debate, experts say it was too close a call but John McCain did get aggressive. And Barack Obama seemed about 5% more Baracky and 10% more Obammie.

I, uh, I did not know that
In the last debate with Barack Obama, John McCain repeatedly referred to Joe the Plumber who is Joe Wurzelbacher. Interestingly, Wurzelbacher is a German word that means plumber’s butt.

That guy
During the last presidential debate, John McCain went on the offensive. Yeah, McCain looked like that old guy arguing with the grocery cashier over double coupons for his cat food.

It was here a second ago
Dick Cheney was hospitalized for having an irregular heartbeat. The hardest part for the doctors? Finding his heart.

Due to the volatile economy, politicians are quoting the ancient Chinese proverb; “May you live in interesting times.” We Americans have a proverb too: “Bite me, you useless politicians.”

The last Presidential debate was sponsored by Anheuser-Busch. They cashed in on the popular drinking game where you chug every time John McCain says “My friends.”

What the hell do they know?
There is a feeling among economic and social experts that this troubling economy is causing frustration and anger in people. To which I would like to say: Dammit, I am so sick and tired of those moronic so-called freaking experts.

Tough times
The economy is tough, now when Adam “Pacman” Jones goes to strip club, he only has enough cash to make it damp.

You can tell a lot about a person by what they want on their pizza; if you like vegetables, you’re easy going, if you like sausage and pepperoni, you’re more assertive, and if you like caviar and lobster, you’re a douchebag Lehman Brothers executive.

Now that’s not fair
Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce and now they have to decide who gets the majority of their $500 million estate. Guy thinks he should get half, Madonna thinks she earned most of it and deserves more than half, and Heather Mills thinks she should get all of it.

Since you asked:

Great day out on the ol’ standup paddleboard, Slattlies and Nuggeseses. Caught my best wave ever. Any concerns I had about missing the speed you feel surfing a long board versus windsurfing were allied, I mean allayeded, put to rest. At one point I was going so fast I was afraid to bail out. It’s a shorter ride than windsurfing, but it is quick. Plus you’re not strapped in and hanging on like you are when windsurfing so there is more of what I call a “whaaaaa-whoooo” factor.

There is nothing like that powerful sensation when you are heeled way over screaming along, your face inches from the water, sail closed on top of your deck, flying along on your chattering-on- top-of- the-chop windsurfing board. Or when you carve a sharp jibe turn and the sail comes back and the boom smacks you in the hands and you take off flying the other way. But the number of times that happens versus the number of times you go out for a session is unbelievably annoyingly low. At least in San Diego.

If somebody put a gun to my head – and I hope this doesn’t happen – and I was forced to choose between windsurfing and standup paddleboard cruising and surfing, I would take the paddleboard.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

It set to get all tookus on our tookus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So sad
Director Guy Ritchie and Madonna are getting divorced. For the children’s sake they tried to act like their marriage was OK, but, sadly, as everyone knows, Madonna can’t act.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
It was revealed that Pope John Paul had been attacked by a knife and cut in 1982, but he didn’t want anyone to know. It was awkward, when informed the Pope had been lacerated, President Bush said; “I didn’t know he drank.”

Initial here
The Oliver Stone movie “W.” opens Friday; “W.” is rated PG 13 and it essentially tells Bush F.U.

Not as dumb as he looks
The Oliver Stone movie “W.” opens Friday and it portrays Bush as a moron. But see, Bush is smart. By Friday, the economy will be so bad nobody will have any money to go see “W.” Bush is a genius.

Be fierce, team
Chicago is going to open a gay high school; their team is going to be the Fightin’ Clay Aikens. Their football team isn’t so great but their uniforms are stunning.

Cracking down
Dallas Cowboy Adam “Pacman” Jones has been suspended by the NFL indefinitely; it’s part of the NFL’s tough new “Thirty Two Strikes and You’re Out” policy.

The toilet on the international space station is broken again. Two things you never, ever want to combine besides octogenarian and stripper are a broken toilet and zero gravity.

Not good
Adam “Pacman” Jones has been suspended indefinitely by the NFL for getting into a fight with his bodyguard. That’s something that doesn’t look good on a bodyguard’s resume. “What’s this about you getting beat up by your client?”

Adam Jones doesn’t go by the nickname “Pacman” anymore. He prefers his new name: Adam “Recidivist” Jones.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia
Maureen McCormick, the actress who played Marcia on “The Brady Bunch” wrote a tell-all autobiography where she admits to once having a big cocaine habit. In fact, in that scene where Marcia gets hit in the nose with a football? White powder flew out. .

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The toilet on the international space station is broken again. You know it’s bad when someplace has more crap floating in the air than a presidential election.

Because of the bailout, Washington is going to regulate Wall Street. The Wall Street sleazebags who bundled bad mortgages are going to be patrolled by politicians. That’s like having Elliot Spitzer regulating a brothel.

That’s like making Idaho Senator Larry Craig a bathroom monitor.

That’s like having Amy Winehouse guarding the pharmacy.

Recently Congress grilled Richard Fuld, the ex-CEO of Lehman Brothers, as to why he took a $480 million dollar bonus while many Lehman’s investors lost their life savings. Apparently Fuld was instructed to do so by his father: Satan.

Yesterday and today the market was up, last week it was down; if this market was anymore unstable it would have to start dating a lesbian disk jockey.

Today it was up, last week it was down; if this market was anymore unstable it would have to take off its panties and divorce Kevin Federline.

Today the market was up, last week it was down; If this market was any more unstable it would have to change it’s name to Andy Dick.
According to a survey, 8 out of 10 Americans are stressed out about the economy; the other two could not be reached because they had stepped out on their office ledge.

I saw the weirdest thing in the stock market today. There were these little green arrows pointing up. What are those for?

One idiot at a John McCain rally said she read that Barack Obama is an Arab. It was especially awkward because McCain then had to tell her “I’m sorry, Governor Palin, but you’re wrong.”

The market was up big today. You know why? Nobody published a picture of those New York Stock Exchange floor brokers pulling their hair out. That’s what caused the market to drop.

Although it is up today, I’m tellin’ you this market is still bad. My broker tried to invest my money in pork bellies and he came down with a bad case of trichinosis.

This market is still bad. I told my broker I wanted to invest in stock futures, he said stocks don’t have any future.

Connecticut overturned their ban on gay marriage. This is great news for all of those gay insurance salesmen, all three of them.

Dallas Cowboy QB, Tony Romo, broke his pinkie on his throwing hand and is going to be out for at least four weeks. When informed her boyfriend broke his pinky, Jessica Simpson said “Oh no, I told him he should wear a cup.”

“Body of Lies” opened this weekend. “Body of Lies” is about a CIA agent. “Body of Lies” is not a documentary about an Exxon board meeting.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

That thang is flat out tookus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Format change
The first Presidential debate was with podiums; the last one was the town hall format. The next one? Wrasslin’.

Not good
This financial crisis is bad. My broker didn’t jump off a ledge but I did catch him chugging a glass of Chinese milk.

To give you an idea how bad the market is, there is a report of a straight male going to see “Nights in Rodanthe” just to get his mind off the stock market.

Imagine that?
Rumor is that, after just having her baby, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again. And believe it or not, copies of her mother, Lynne’s book on parenting are still readily available.

Tough to watch
To be honest, the Presidential debates were tough for me. Watching John McCain meander around the stage reminded me of the time we had to pick up our great Uncle Ronnie after he snuck out of his care facility and wandered into the all-girl’s boarding school dorm.

Like that
David Duchovney was released from sex addiction rehab to return home to his wife, the gorgeous Tea Leoni. That’s like congratulating a guy in A.A. by giving him a Budweiser distributorship

Roseanne Barr claims somebody stole her sex tape. In a related story, I was attacked today by a pack of rabid pit bulls. The rabid pit bull story is neither related nor true, but I had to get a more pleasant image in my head than the Roseanne Barr sex tape.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The credit crisis hit the international markets as Brazilian stocks fell for the sixth day; it was a little awkward when President Bush heard this he cried; “Oh no. How many stocks is a Brazilian?”

Personality issues
Dallas Cowboy Adam “Pacman” Jones got in a fight with his bodyguard. When you can’t get along with the guy who is paid to keep you from getting in fights it might be time to work on your people skills.

Dallas Cowboy Adam “Pacman” Jones got in a fight with his bodyguard. That’s like getting your sex education teacher pregnant.