According to a survey, 8 out of 10 Americans are stressed out about the economy; the other two could not be reached because they had stepped out on their office ledge.


I saw the weirdest thing in the stock market today. There were these little green arrows pointing up. What are those for?

One idiot at a John McCain rally said she read that Barack Obama is an Arab. It was especially awkward because McCain then had to tell her “I’m sorry, Governor Palin, but you’re wrong.”

The market was up big today. You know why? Nobody published a picture of those New York Stock Exchange floor brokers pulling their hair out. That’s what caused the market to drop.

Although it is up today, I’m tellin’ you this market is still bad. My broker tried to invest my money in pork bellies and he came down with a bad case of trichinosis.

This market is still bad. I told my broker I wanted to invest in stock futures, he said stocks don’t have any future.

Connecticut overturned their ban on gay marriage. This is great news for all of those gay insurance salesmen, all three of them.

Dallas Cowboy QB, Tony Romo, broke his pinkie on his throwing hand and is going to be out for at least four weeks. When informed her boyfriend broke his pinky, Jessica Simpson said “Oh no, I told him he should wear a cup.”

“Body of Lies” opened this weekend. “Body of Lies” is about a CIA agent. “Body of Lies” is not a documentary about an Exxon board meeting.