Friday, September 12, 2008

Actor David Duchovny is in rehab for sex addiction. Here is my question, if sex addiction is called an illness, what is sex deprivation called? Marriage. (Just kidding, honey)

I like Sarah Palin, she reminds me of the flight attendant who says “You have a nice a day now.”

The US government is bailing out the mortgage giants Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae. It was a little embarrassing, when informed Fanny Mae was being bailed out, President Bush said; “Good, I like their chocolate.”

The OJ Simpson trial has begun. Can you believe OJ’s murder trial was in 1994? To give you an idea how things have changed, in 1994 if you asked a girl if you could Google her Wikipedia with your Palm Pilot, you’d go to jail.

Apparently President Bush was sincere about wanting to do whatever he could to help get John McCain and Sarah Palin elected. Today Bush endorsed Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

Lex is an idiot, example #45,987.

One of my good buddies is Japanese so, of course, we call him the Chinaman; he is my go-to surfing expert. He is a really good surfer and he knows a lot about it. He collects expensive boards, goes out several times a week if not every day. It is his thing. You know how some people have a thing? That’s his thing.

But when I call for stand up paddleboard surfing advice from the Chinaman, it comes back in one of two forms: a, serious and technical tips, and, b, giving me unholy and unmerciful crap.

Yesterday I told him about how annoying the tourist kayakers can be at La Jolla Shores because they sit literally like floating logs in between me and the breaking wave. They like that up and down motion of the coming swell but they don’t surf the breaking wave. They just sit in my way. Just like the yammering helmets who are in front of whatever I want at the grocery store.

When I asked the Chinaman about the etiquette of asking them to move, he lapsed into giving me unholy crap.

“Oh great, just what us real surfers need, some stand up paddling Barney (As in Rubble, a pejorative surfer term for beginners or outsiders) giving us real surfers a bad name by yelling at a bunch of poor kayakers. They deserve to be on the water as much as you do, pal.”

Then he suddenly got serious and informed me that he had to call me right back. A few seconds later – the exact normal amount of time the Chinaman takes to call me back - the phone rang. I picked it up, and spoofing a goof on his giving me a hard time about kayakers, I sarcastically yelled into the phone:

“F-word kayakers, all kayakers can go F-word themselves, they are F-wording useless mother f-worders.” (I think we both know I didn't actually say F-word)

There was a pause and then a matronly voice (think the principal’s secretary in “Ferris Buehler’s Day Off”) on the other end replied confused;

“Is there a Virginia there? She left this number at her daughter’s school to volunteer for the PTA”

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Hell, we been puttin’ lipstick on this here pig for ten years, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
It has been hot in Los Angeles. Yesterday I was sweating like a guy whose wife caught him looking at the Sara Palin-look-alike on the “MILF Librarian” porn site.

So sad
Sadly New England Patriot QB Tom Brady is out for the year with a knee injury. You think you’re upset? Tom is devastated. Not because of football, he can’t run after the super models in New York for fashion week.

New issue
A couple in Florida were arrested after they got in a fight over a hot dog. He grabbed her hot dog off her plate and she stabbed him so he pulled a gun. It’s the cover story for the latest issue of “White Trash Quarterly.”

We kid the Seacrest
Oscar, a 5-year-old Labrador retriever who lives near a golf course in Scotland was heard rattling when he walked. The vet removed 13 golf balls from his stomach. He swallowed so many balls, they had to change his name to Ryan Seacrest.

New record
A surfer in Australia had his board leash tangled on a shark and the shark towed him 150 yards. This also set a world record for the longest trail of surfer excrement. .

Look at ‘em go
It’s fashion week in New York, that’s when it is fun for the tourists to go to Central Park and watch the pigeons and the super models fight over scraps of tossed bread.

Keeping those
John Edwards announced he will cancel all of his speaking engagements until the election so as not to distract from Barack Obama’s campaign. Edwards did say, however, he will honor all of his speed dating appointments.

Come on now
At the MTV VMS awards, host Russell Brand called President Bush a “retarded cowboy.” That is awful, everyone knows the politically correct term is retarded cowperson.

In New Mexico, John McCain and Sarah Palin ate at a diner. It was so cute, McCain called the waitress young Missy and Sarah told John not to order the chili because he’d miss his nap because of his gas.

Sarah Smile
I like Sara Palin, she reminds me of the kind of woman who, if you gave her a piece of gum, she would send you a hand-written “Thank You” note.

It’s fashion week in New York. You can tell, that thing on Donald Trump’s head is wearing an

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

It gonna do what it do when it do to you, tew who who, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Latin name for it
Actor David Duchovny is in rehab, he suffers from sex addiction. Actually, there is a medical term for male sex addiction, I think it’s called: Nolackahnookieosis

Actor David Duchovny is in rehab, he suffers from sex addiction. I’m no sex expert, but I can see how a woman could suffer from sex addiction. It seems to me a guy is just gettin’ some like nobody’s business.

What’s violence got to do, got to do with it?
Hurricane Ike continues to lash at Cuba. However, Hurricane Ike denied any violence claiming he and Cuba just had creative differences over Cuba’s future solo career.

Not fair
In Las Vegas, jury selection began in the OJ Simpson sports memorabilia trial. Do you realize there is a chance OJ Simpson could go to jail for stealing his own memorabilia? That’s like Osama bin Laden going to jail for ripping the tag off of his mattress.

Oui kid
French President Nicolas Sarkozy is attempting to negotiate a truce between the battling countries of Russia and Georgia. Experts feel Sarkozy may be successful in that, after a long discussion with the French president, both sides may surrender.

It was awkward when President Bush called Sarkozy and suggested; “Ask Georgia to give Russia some of their delicious peaches.”

Trash talking comes naturally too
A study reveals that, without having ever seen a celebratory gesture, blind athletes will naturally thrust their fists in the air after a win. In addition, if a ref makes a bad call, a blind athlete will naturally thrust their middle finger in the air.

Here are some of the rejected campaign slogans for John McCain and Sarah Palin:

Vote M&M team, the Mummy and the Milf.

McCain/Palin: the Wry Geezer and the Eye Pleaser.

Root, root, rootie for the ol’ Cootie and the hot Cutie.

Since you asked:
(We both know we missed my Eagles rants)

“Heart” sisters, Ann and Nancy Wilson have their undies in a twist – and in Ann’s case, that is something – about the Republicans using “Barracuda” for Sarah Palin. (As I have said, I am not a Republican, I used to be a democrat, now I am an Independent) Listen rock folk, if you don’t want people playing your song, here’s a tip: don’t record it and distribute it on an album and don’t let radio stations play it.

Lord knows I loves me some boss, but Bruce Springsteen got all huffy when Ronald Reagan used his song “Born in the USA.” Bruce should have loved that they used it, it showed how out-of-touch they were. That song, to anyone who is smart enough to listen to the lyrics, is about the disenfranchised. By playing it as a glorifying anthem, the Reagan spin machine aired it's stupidity.

Celebrity music types, here’s a tip: do you think the rest of us think you folks are getting to be more or less of annoying pains-in-the-ass? Here’s a hint: The Dixie Chicks. You got it, regardless of politics, politics is not the point, we think you rock stars are becoming more of a pain-in-the-ass. Three words: shut up and (adding a fourth) sing. Whining about somebody liking and playing your song whose politics you don’t 100 % agree with is not going to help.

Lord knows I loves me some Eagles. Short of the Eagles needing restraining orders, I could not have been a bigger fan. Saw them in concert over a dozen times, own all of their albums, know all of their lyrics – not including, of course the over-indulgent “Disco Strangler” and Henley’s nightmarish “Building a Perfect Beast.”

Yes, I grew to understand that there are huge mega rock stars, like Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen, who don’t let their stardom go to their heads and that Glenn Frey and Don Henley were decidedly not among them.

And, yes, it soon became rapidly apparent that Henley, although a genius with lyrics, was, and is, a cranky and litigious sour puss with a nearly terminal case of head-up-his-own-ass-itis. And yes, it is true that Frey had a roadie fired for not getting him the exact kind of cigarette box he wanted. In Europe, no less. Hell, I told you I saw Frey scream at some poor old golf official at a celebrity charity event because he rightfully picked up Frey’s ball in a best ball format.

But I put that aside. Artists live in a different world than we do, I said to myself. And I even donated some money to the Walden Woods Project in addition to paying for tickets and albums. Saw two of the “Hell Freezes Over” concerts.

But when the Eagle power trio of Henley, Frey and the evil troll manager Azoff fired their longtime lead guitarist, Don Felder, over Felder’s displeasure of the trio’s breaking their long-time-agreement of a five-way split, well, now it isn’t really the Eagles to me anymore. It is just one more ruthless business entity - and or brand - that happens to play and sing good songs.

We - at least I do anyway - love to think our idols would like us as much as we like them/their music. We like to think we could have a few drinks and laughs with our stars. Really? Azoff, Frey and Henley went after Felder like rabid pit bulls and this was the guy who created “Hotel California” for them. How do you think they would treat any of us if push came to shove? It escapes me how Frey and Henley can listen to – let alone play and sing – “Hotel California” without feeling horrible about what they did to Felder. (From all accounts, Azoff is Satan, Satan doesn’t have a conscience)

So John McCain and Sarah Palin, listen up, when you campaign in New York, use Henley’s “New York Minute” Sarah, go ahead and use Heart’s “Barracuda” and then, when you talk about being an outsider in Washington, play the Eagles’ “New Kid In Town.” It would be fun just to know how much it pissed off Henley and Frey and Azoff.

Apparently you can still love somebody’s music with all your heart despite knowing they are an entertainment industry stuffed-shirt pompous greedy schmuck.

That reminds me, I have to download from iTunes a Sting song “Fields of Gold.”

Regardless - or irregardless, as our Commander- in-Chief likes to say - of your political beliefs, rock on, Slats and Nugs, rock on.