Actor David Duchovny is in rehab for sex addiction. Here is my question, if sex addiction is called an illness, what is sex deprivation called? Marriage. (Just kidding, honey)


I like Sarah Palin, she reminds me of the flight attendant who says “You have a nice a day now.”


The US government is bailing out the mortgage giants Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae. It was a little embarrassing, when informed Fanny Mae was being bailed out, President Bush said; “Good, I like their chocolate.”


The OJ Simpson trial has begun. Can you believe OJ’s murder trial was in 1994? To give you an idea how things have changed, in 1994 if you asked a girl if you could Google her Wikipedia with your Palm Pilot, you’d go to jail.


Apparently President Bush was sincere about wanting to do whatever he could to help get John McCain and Sarah Palin elected. Today Bush endorsed Barack Obama and Joe Biden.


Lex is an idiot, example #45,987.

One of my good buddies is Japanese so, of course, we call him the Chinaman; he is my go-to surfing expert. He is a really good surfer and he knows a lot about it. He collects expensive boards, goes out several times a week if not every day. It is his thing. You know how some people have a thing? That’s his thing.

But when I call for stand up paddleboard surfing advice from the Chinaman, it comes back in one of two forms: a, serious and technical tips, and, b, giving me unholy and unmerciful crap.

Yesterday I told him about how annoying the tourist kayakers can be at La Jolla Shores because they sit literally like floating logs in between me and the breaking wave. They like that up and down motion of the coming swell but they don’t surf the breaking wave. They just sit in my way. Just like the yammering helmets who are in front of whatever I want at the grocery store.

When I asked the Chinaman about the etiquette of asking them to move, he lapsed into giving me unholy crap.

“Oh great, just what us real surfers need, some stand up paddling Barney (As in Rubble, a pejorative surfer term for beginners or outsiders) giving us real surfers a bad name by yelling at a bunch of poor kayakers. They deserve to be on the water as much as you do, pal.”

Then he suddenly got serious and informed me that he had to call me right back. A few seconds later – the exact normal amount of time the Chinaman takes to call me back - the phone rang. I picked it up, and spoofing a goof on his giving me a hard time about kayakers, I sarcastically yelled into the phone:

“F-word kayakers, all kayakers can go F-word themselves, they are F-wording useless mother f-worders.” (I think we both know I didn't actually say F-word)

There was a pause and then a matronly voice (think the principal’s secretary in “Ferris Buehler’s Day Off”) on the other end replied confused;

“Is there a Virginia there? She left this number at her daughter’s school to volunteer for the PTA”