Saturday, April 19, 2008

We workin’ it large up in this here this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Makes sense
Delta is merging with Northwest. You know who should merge? American Airlines and Jet Blue, that way when American cancels all of its flights it won’t matter because the Jet Blue planes are stuck on the runway anyway.

Too much
Hillary Clinton is really trying to hammer her blue collar roots to win in Pennsylvania. She might be overdoing it. This morning Hillary showed up at a Seven Eleven in her bathrobe, curlers in her hair, to buy a six pack of Lucky Lager, a carton of unfiltered Marlboros and 30 lottery tickets.

That’s what you get
Next week on “American Idol” the contestants sing show tunes. That’s what happens when you let Ryan Seacrest pick the theme.

Switch gears
The NBA playoffs have begun. So that means Isaiah Thomas and the New York Knicks are going to have to start sucking at playing the NBA Jam video game at home.

A lot done
The gay republican convention is winding up in San Diego. They accomplished a great deal. The gay republicans resolved to support John McCain by networking with other gay people and to denounce Hillary Clinton by fiercely criticizing her choice of pants suits.

Not the same
Recently kicked-off “American Idol” contestant Kristy Lee Cook revealed Thursday night on our show her motto is “Rope it, ride it, wrestle it, Cowgirl it.” Unlike Paula Abdul’s motto, “Drink it, swallow it, sleep with it, hate-Simon-Cowell-girl it.”

Now that’s fast
When they booted Kristy Lee Cook of “American Idol” did you see that clip of Kristi Lee galloping on her horse? It was amazing, she was moving faster than Ryan Seacrest at last call in a leather bar.

When they booted pretty Kristy Lee Cook of “American Idol” Ryan Seacrest and all the judges pleaded for the guy who bought her horse to sell it back to her. To which Bill Clinton volunteered “You can ride me if you want. And put me to bed wet. Nee haw”

Classic Joke:
So these two guys in an Irish pub are talking loudly.

“Yah be lookin’ familiar. What town are yah from?”


“No kidding? I’m from Dublin too. Let me buy you a drink.”

“So what high school did you be goin’ too, if I can ask?”

“St. Mary’s”

“St. Mary’s. You’re lyin’. I went to St. Mary’s too. Let me buy you a drink.”

“Who was your senior year English teacher?”

“Sister Catherine.”

“Oh, now shut it. My teacher was Sister Catherine as well. Let me buy you a drink.’

Guy at the bar asks the bartender:

“What’s with those guys?”

Bartender says;

“Oh, the Fitzpatrick twins are drunk again.”

Friday, April 18, 2008

Ruh roh, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sound familiar?
Do you know what happened Tuesday in 1912? The Titanic sank. It was a huge collision with an iceberg, to which Barack Obama said; “Tell me about it.”

So unfair
Do you know what happened Tuesday in 1912? The Titanic sank costing the lives of over 1500 people. You know what makes it even more tragic? It happened on April 15th, all those people died right after they paid their taxes.

Look out now
An old sex film of a young Marilyn Monroe surfaced but a rich collector bought it and is keeping it private, he isn’t going to show it. Man, you thought Bill Clinton got mad when Bill Richardson didn’t endorse Hillary?

Delta and Northwest airlines are merging to form the largest carrier. That means their planes will have more people riding them than Paris Hilton.

Hard to tell
Priscilla Presley was voted off “Dancing With the Stars” Priscilla was either really upset or really happy to be gone, but, because of all the Botox in her face, nobody could tell one way or the other.

A little too friendly
President Bush met Pope Benedict XVI. It was a little embarrassing, you know how President Bush likes to give nicknames? Well, he called Pope Benedict XVI, P. Benny Sweet Sixteen.

President Bush met Pope Benedict XVI. It was a little embarrassing, you know how President Bush likes to give nicknames? Well, he called the Pontiff Ol’ Rope-a-dope Pope.

That’s them
This week in San Diego, a group of openly gay republicans are
holding their national convention. That’s the group who believes in the right to bear arms in ass-less chaps.

We were afraid of that
A new study reveals consuming alcohol can reduce kidney cancer. Drinking reduces heart disease, your chances of strokes and now kidney cancer. This means we’re stuck with Paula Abdul forever.

To the core
The big thing in fitness now is working out your core muscles. The great thing about core muscles is nobody can see them. They’re inside your core; “Dude, you gained twenty pounds and you have a gut.” “Yeah, but you should see my core muscles. They’ve never been fitter.”

Ahh, that’s cute
Snoop Dog is coming out with a children’s book. It’s called; “Why The House Smells Funny” (After Mommy And Daddy Put You to Bed.)

Since you asked:

George Stephanopoulos took a lot of flack about his blind-side attack of Barack Obama during the last debate about Obama’s association with some obscure political radical.

You know, I was a fan of little Georgie-porgie at the start of the Clinton administration. He seemed to talk the talk and walk the walk as the true political pure-hearted do-gooder that he wanted to appear to be.

But after reading about George and following his actions in documentaries and fictionalized movies and learning more about his personality on his show, political issues and, or, party differences aside, I now conclude that Stephanopoulos is a nasty little lap- dog, pit-bull, back-stabbing, lying, slithering ass-munching piece-of-megalomaniacal crap with an absolutely terminal case of little-d*ck and short-man’s disease.

(Now ask me how I really feel)

Again, I love to refer to a documentary filmed way inside of the first Clinton presidential campaign which showed tiny George and “The Grinch” James Carville hurriedly rushing along the streets of Manhattan to a fundraiser while mutually stoking each other’s ego about what glorified important work they were destined to perform in getting Clinton elected; it was their sacred duty to use their sheer brilliance and their vast talents so they, through their savior Clinton, can help the long-suffering ignored-by-republicans common everyman.

Just then both Carville and Stephanopoulos, as if on cue, physically knock over a long-suffering ignored-by-republicans common everyman who was in their way to rush into the hotel.

Pretty much sums up the entire Clinton group.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

We gonna bust it large ‘til it’s hot with two T’s, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s cute
Snoop Dog has written a children’s book. I think it’s called “Little Red Riding in the Hood.”

Saves time
A Virginia Beach high school teacher resigned after it was discovered she was running an escort service. Why should she resign? She can teach sex education and accounting all at once.

Help out, people
Did you pay your taxes? It is important to pay your taxes to our elected officials, there are hookers out there who have mouths to feed.

Just how does he think he can get away with this? Oh, right.
O.J. Simpson is
listed in California as the 15th biggest tax debtor. He owes over $1.5 million in back taxes and he's not paying it. In fact, OJ and two gun-toting guys broke into OJ's accountant’s office and stole back his tax return memorabilia.

Helpful tip? I think not
In an article on summer ocean safety tips, one was: “Do not swim with sharks.” See, I don’t agree. If you see a shark, and your first reaction is: “Gosh, I want to go swim with that” by all means, do it. And try and kiss it because sharks love a big smooch from swimmers.

Signs Katie Couric is through at CBS:

CBS now stands for Couric Be Scarce.

The new ten minute segment titled; “Katie Rests Her Eyes.”

During her sign off, Katie flicks her cigarette butt at the camera.

Her sign off is; “Couric Out.”

Quite an airline
Delta and Northwest are merging. If UPS and Jet Blue and Murray Air all merged, that airline would be U. Blue Murray.

Jinx hijnx
A construction worker, trying to jinx that New York Yankees, planted a Boston Red Sox David Ortiz jersey in the concrete of the new Yankee Stadium and they had to jackhammer it out. If you want to curse the Yankees you have to bury a Derek Jeter jersey. With Derek in it.

A new commercial claims Hillary Clinton has a spine of steel. It comes in handy when those sniper bullets bounce off of it.

Not fair
Chicago police shot a cougar in the alley of a Northern suburb. That’s not right, just because a drunk divorcee trying to pick up a frat boy in a Bennigan’s is sad and creepy, that doesn’t mean they should shoot her.

Who knew?
Rob Lowe is being sued by his former nanny for sexual harassment and her lawyer is liberal activist feminist attorney Gloria Allred. (She of the "Hang the Duke Lacrosse Players") Now normally you wouldn’t think VP Dick Cheney would like someone with the title liberal activist feminist attorney, but today Cheney invited Allred to go quail hunting.

Since you asked:
One of the things I love about the DVR is my early evening ritual of catching up with the boys, Jay, Dave and Conan (Whom I like to call Coneskie the O’Boneskie) while sipping wine and chopping up onions and carrots or crushing garlic and generally getting ready to grill and or cook dinner. God bless the fast forward, I can catch the monologue jokes while simmering down a red wine sauce, and speed through the commercials and the boring, vapid starlet who says;

“Oh, my gaaahhhd, like everyone I’ve everrrrr worked with is like the mossssssst amazing greatest person everrrrrrrrr.”

But one of my favorite late night talk show reoccurring characters, besides, of course, Coneskie’s masturbating bear, is Lyle the Intern on Dave. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why this too-cool-for-rules, jive-talking punk-ass slacker was so fascinating to me. Then it hit me.

Lyle the intern on “LSWDL” is every other guy who was in my Sigma Chi fraternity at UC Santa Barbara. The shoes, the gestures, the non-ending slang, the countless nicknames, the over-emphasis on the last syllable for effect, the slumping posture. Even the way he holds himself in high regard with “the ladies” down to how he saunters/slithers/waltzes off the set.

That Lyle the Intern guy was ten guys in our fraternity or the guys who were big brothers to one of the two hottest sororities, the Delta Gammas or the Pi Phi’s. (I was a D.G. big brother, sniff, teeth-suck, groan dissolving into chortle and then a delighted sigh of cockiness)

I kid you not, slap on Lyle some brown plastic Vuarnet sunglasses, a pink Polo shirt with the collar up, topsiders and about five splashes too many of Polo cologne and Lyle be hangin’ with my old Da Kine frat brauddah's.

My fellow Sig Machos were decades ahead of their time, Brohiems. So chillax and don’t even act like you dk;dc, the world is our oyster so let’s start shucking, Dinguses.


Monday, April 14, 2008

First chink in the armor, Ted and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Daddy, why does this book smell like a Fish concert?
Snoop Dog is coming out with a children’s book. I think it’s called “Curiously Stoned George.”

How hot was it?
It was hot today. I was sweating like the CBS swear checker at the Masters when Tiger Woods missed a shot.

CBS now stands for Couric Be Scootin’
Katie Couric is rumored to be out at CBS Evening News; something tells me it’s true, Katie’s new sign off? “Bite me, CBS CEO Les Moonves.”

Tiger Woods finished second at the Masters. One of the reasons Tiger is so great is that he holds himself to a high standard, but, honestly, the swearing, after each imperfect shot has to stop. Even Mel Gibson was blushing.

Katie bar the door
Katie Couric is rumored to be out at CBS Evening News. Is it just me or does it seem that Katie just doesn’t care anymore? Like the time she opened the broadcast with; “Tonight’s lead story? Five words: Katie doesn’t give a crap.”

Katie Couric is rumored to be out at CBS Evening News. You can tell Katie’s heart isn’t in it, when they comeback from commercials they keep catching Katie sneaking a swig on her flask.

Katie Couric is rumored to be out at CBS Evening News. You can tell Katie’s heart isn’t in it, a while ago Katie did an entire broadcast with a lit Marlboro dangling in her lips.

That explains it
Kathy Lee Gifford is coming back to host the fourth hour of “The Today Show” Is it just me or can you tell Kathy Lee has had some work done? That explains how she was able to smile at what Regis said all the time, her face had been surgically stretched into a permanent smile.

Too much
All three candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain appeared on “American Idol’s” “Idol Gives Back” show last week. Something tells me John McCain is trying too hard to attract younger voters. He appeared on “American Idol” with Sanjaya’s Faux Hawk wig.

Since you asked:
Unbelievable day on the stand up paddle board Saturday. Went out in the morning to catch the low tide at 9:00, it was bright, hot and sunny. It was so hot that it felt good to fall in the 60 degree water.

No sooner then I start paddling out I look down and see dozens and dozens of leopard sharks cruising the bottom. (By the way, whoever rents the La Jolla kayaks needs to inform the tourists that those leopard sharks don’t bite and to stop screaming like an idiot when they see one. Twice I’ve nearly fallen off from the shock)

After the school of leopard sharks I look up and see a school of at least thirty black dolphins migrating south maybe twenty yards away from me, a total of 75 yards off shore. One of the kayakers said a dolphin tapped the bottom of the kayak and took off. And then there was the usual fish and stingrays and the jelly fish were out for the first time this year.

Did much better surfing. Paddled hard, caught small waves and rode them all the way in until they broke, where, usually, I fell, and then just paddled back out. The surf was small but I caught my longest ride yet, about twenty yards.

Napped on the couch like a big ol’ dawg while “watching” the Masters and then grilled baby back ribs for friends that night for a dinner party. Man, was they tasty if I do say so. Made a homemade peach marmalade barbeque sauce with grilled onions in it and brine marinated the ribs for five hours. And then applied a thick garlic powder, smoked paprika, cumin and pepper rub and then baked them with beer in the pan and covered in tin foil for three hours at 250.

Right when the guests showed at 6:30, I sparked up the mesquite in the Weber and then slathered on the peach sauce and put the ribs on the grill just long enough to get grill marks and caramelize the sauce on the ribs.

Perfect texture with the ribs, if I do say so. Not soupy, not tough. Al dente. Lex’s rib tip: Always serve wet wipes with ribs and have a bone bowl handy. And put lots of harmonica blues on the iTunes dinner playlist and light a lot of candles. It adds a New Orleans/ Southern vibe. Oh, and finish with ice cream sanguidos (sandwiches)

Mmm, mmm, mmm. M.

Since you asked, the deuce:
My buddy sent me the cute e-mail about the dad packing for a bidness trip trying to entertain his 3-year-old daughter. She sticks out her little hand and says,

“Daddy, look.”

So Daddy grabs her hand and playfully says;

“I’m gonna eat those fingers.”

And then he proceeds to shove her hand in his mouth, pretending to chomp on it. She squeals with delight, but then she is suddenly quiet and solemnly staring at her hand. When dad asks what is wrong, she replies;

“What happened to my bugger?”

Ah, the joys of being a parent.

For some reason this reminds me of my favorite kid story about the Mom who has to break the news of the beloved neighbor’s dog passing. Trying to console the weeping four-year-old girl, the Mom says;

“It’s OK, sweety, Sparky is in heaven with god.”

In-between choking back sobs, the girl looks perplexed and says;

“Buh, buh, buh, but what is god going to do with a dead dog?”