Wednesday, April 16, 2008

We gonna bust it large ‘til it’s hot with two T’s, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s cute
Snoop Dog has written a children’s book. I think it’s called “Little Red Riding in the Hood.”

Saves time
A Virginia Beach high school teacher resigned after it was discovered she was running an escort service. Why should she resign? She can teach sex education and accounting all at once.

Help out, people
Did you pay your taxes? It is important to pay your taxes to our elected officials, there are hookers out there who have mouths to feed.

Just how does he think he can get away with this? Oh, right.
O.J. Simpson is
listed in California as the 15th biggest tax debtor. He owes over $1.5 million in back taxes and he's not paying it. In fact, OJ and two gun-toting guys broke into OJ's accountant’s office and stole back his tax return memorabilia.

Helpful tip? I think not
In an article on summer ocean safety tips, one was: “Do not swim with sharks.” See, I don’t agree. If you see a shark, and your first reaction is: “Gosh, I want to go swim with that” by all means, do it. And try and kiss it because sharks love a big smooch from swimmers.

Signs Katie Couric is through at CBS:

CBS now stands for Couric Be Scarce.

The new ten minute segment titled; “Katie Rests Her Eyes.”

During her sign off, Katie flicks her cigarette butt at the camera.

Her sign off is; “Couric Out.”

Quite an airline
Delta and Northwest are merging. If UPS and Jet Blue and Murray Air all merged, that airline would be U. Blue Murray.

Jinx hijnx
A construction worker, trying to jinx that New York Yankees, planted a Boston Red Sox David Ortiz jersey in the concrete of the new Yankee Stadium and they had to jackhammer it out. If you want to curse the Yankees you have to bury a Derek Jeter jersey. With Derek in it.

A new commercial claims Hillary Clinton has a spine of steel. It comes in handy when those sniper bullets bounce off of it.

Not fair
Chicago police shot a cougar in the alley of a Northern suburb. That’s not right, just because a drunk divorcee trying to pick up a frat boy in a Bennigan’s is sad and creepy, that doesn’t mean they should shoot her.

Who knew?
Rob Lowe is being sued by his former nanny for sexual harassment and her lawyer is liberal activist feminist attorney Gloria Allred. (She of the "Hang the Duke Lacrosse Players") Now normally you wouldn’t think VP Dick Cheney would like someone with the title liberal activist feminist attorney, but today Cheney invited Allred to go quail hunting.

Since you asked:
One of the things I love about the DVR is my early evening ritual of catching up with the boys, Jay, Dave and Conan (Whom I like to call Coneskie the O’Boneskie) while sipping wine and chopping up onions and carrots or crushing garlic and generally getting ready to grill and or cook dinner. God bless the fast forward, I can catch the monologue jokes while simmering down a red wine sauce, and speed through the commercials and the boring, vapid starlet who says;

“Oh, my gaaahhhd, like everyone I’ve everrrrr worked with is like the mossssssst amazing greatest person everrrrrrrrr.”

But one of my favorite late night talk show reoccurring characters, besides, of course, Coneskie’s masturbating bear, is Lyle the Intern on Dave. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why this too-cool-for-rules, jive-talking punk-ass slacker was so fascinating to me. Then it hit me.

Lyle the intern on “LSWDL” is every other guy who was in my Sigma Chi fraternity at UC Santa Barbara. The shoes, the gestures, the non-ending slang, the countless nicknames, the over-emphasis on the last syllable for effect, the slumping posture. Even the way he holds himself in high regard with “the ladies” down to how he saunters/slithers/waltzes off the set.

That Lyle the Intern guy was ten guys in our fraternity or the guys who were big brothers to one of the two hottest sororities, the Delta Gammas or the Pi Phi’s. (I was a D.G. big brother, sniff, teeth-suck, groan dissolving into chortle and then a delighted sigh of cockiness)

I kid you not, slap on Lyle some brown plastic Vuarnet sunglasses, a pink Polo shirt with the collar up, topsiders and about five splashes too many of Polo cologne and Lyle be hangin’ with my old Da Kine frat brauddah's.

My fellow Sig Machos were decades ahead of their time, Brohiems. So chillax and don’t even act like you dk;dc, the world is our oyster so let’s start shucking, Dinguses.