Friday, April 04, 2008

Yah boooyy, we gonna get some fun-duckets up in our drawers, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Camp Coochie
Wanna-be porn stars can attend a porn camp in Tampa FLA where the camp counselors don’t just blow whistles.

In other words
In Iraq it is reported that sects of Shiites are attacking other Shiites, at least according to one of the sect’s leaders, or, as he is also known, a real Shiite head.

In Iraq it is reported that sects of Shiites are attacking other Shiites, so many Shiites are hiding in filthy trenches, or as they are also known, real Shiite holes.

Or do that
The latest cell phone advance is voice activated text messages. You can send a text message by just talking on the phone. Or as it is also known: leaving a message after the beep.

The latest cell phone advance is voice activated text messages. You can send a text message by just talking on the phone. Wow, voice-texting, videos, songs, pictures, e-mails, next thing you know you’ll be able to use a phone to talk to another person.

Stay away from those
Barack Obama went bowling and shot a 37. As a result, Hillary Clinton has challenged him to a bowling match. That’s fine, just don’t try to beat Hillary at softball, hiking or arm wrestling.

There is evidence that al Qaeda is recruiting non-Arab westerners as terrorists. They’re slogan to recruit westerners is very effective: “Dude, seriously, how else are you going to get 72 virgins?”

Three big things
John McCain is looking for a running mate. It has to be someone with political clout, who knows economics and who can read McCain the menu at Cocos.

No chicks
John McCain is considering possible running mates. When asked if McCain may chose a woman like Condoleeza Rice, an anonymous source at the McCain campaign said; “No, the Senator has a strict bros before ho’s policy.”

Oakland Raiders Coach Lane Kiffin was asked by reporters what it was like to work for Al Davis.He paused, then said, "I need a sip of water." In a related story, the CIA discloses if you are kidnapped by terrorists, and you want to alert authorities, utter the phrase: “I need a sip of water.”

Name that noise
Mariah Carey passed Elvis Presley on the list of most # 1 singles; and besides Mariah, that grating high- pitched noise you hear is Charles Darwin spinning in his grave.

Makes sense
While in Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky. Yeah, she said once on a trip to Bosnia she chugged raw eggs before dodging sniper bullets.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day
President Bush said we don’t have a recession here in the United States. And he is right, our economy is so bad it is now hurting the entire rest of the world.

It really happened
Here we are with the baseball season underway and it is official, Barry Bonds is not in baseball anymore; be careful what you wish for. Bonds always demanded to eat, dress and shower apart from his teammates and now he really is.

Here we are with the baseball season underway and it is official, Barry Bonds is not in baseball anymore; his syringe is all dressed up with nowhere to go.

That explains it
“The Today Show” features cooking segments at the end of the show. You know why there are no cooking segments on “The View”? None of those chicks can shut up long enough to eat.

Since you asked:
What is happening to Bill and Hillary Clinton is a direct reversal of fortune from what happened when they were in the White House. The polls show Bill getting creamed, bam, that crazy old coot Ross Perot reenters the race and kills Bush.

Despite experts saying he had nearly nothing to do with it, Bill got all the credit for an economy that thrived just when he came to office. And Clinton received no blame for the increase in terrorism during his term despite passing on three separate chances to bomb Osama bin Laden to Bolivian, as Mike Tyson so elecutionally put it.

Now nothing Bill Clinton or Hillary Clinton can do is right even when it is right. Hillary comes out with a sensible tax-change approach to lower gas prices and she is lambasted for being unfair to the oil tycoons. And those “Saturday Night Live” skits with the press bending over backwards to smooch Barack’s butt aren’t funny for no reason. Humor requires a dose of honest reality.

It certainly doesn’t help when Hillary goes around spreading lies about dodging bullets and sprinting to a car in Bosnia despite film proving she did not. And every red-faced tirade Bill throws in front of the press makes him look more and more desperately crazy at the real possibility of becoming politically impotent, excuse my ironic metaphor.

But beyond that, where Bill and Hillary were once seen as passionate they now just seem, well, bitchy and mean. And as stories of their behind-the-scenes cruelty - to not only political foes but also their own staff members and former White House employees - increase as their power diminishes, if Hillary goes down and takes Bill with her, the ever-trickling rumors of their viscous misdeeds will turn into a drowning tidal wave forever dousing their political fire.

(Oh my, Lex, you silver-fingered devil, you)

But where Bill and Hillary are dead wrong is when they say that Hillary is the only democratic candidate who can beat McCain. If Barack wins, the growing number of Independents will have a tough decision to make. If Hillary wins, the Independents will flee in abject terror to McCain. The hard-core liberals and conservatives aren’t going to be swayed either way.

Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I have to believe there is a growing swell of people who are put off by the shrill self-righteousness of both the angry left and the religious right. This election is about winning the hearts and minds of skeptical and leery ever-growing Independents. And it just does not seem like Hillary can do it.

Even though she can bowl better than Barack. But then again, who can't?

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Had a slight, well, let’s call it a revelation-lite today.

No matter how hard I work at my craft – and is it possible to be more annoying than calling what you do a craft? Especially when it is an actor playing pretend in front of a camera for millions of dollars – no matter how lucky I get, and, knock-on-wood, I’m talking Alex Gregory/Chuck Lorre –level-success-without-their-talent lucky, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much the creative muse hits me, I will never write a joke that will make people laugh as hard as a video clip of a Dad getting hit in the nuts by his son’s bat.

Is perspective ever a bad thing?
Slice it, dice it and thrice it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How is that possible?
Barack Obama went bowling and shot a 37. Damn, I had $50 on the over at 40. How do you shoot a 37 in bowling? Don’t they give you 25 when you rent the shoes?

Barack Obama went bowling and shot a 37. That broke the lowest bowling score for a famous black man. And that was set by Stevie Wonder.

Olde blonde joke ande othere wordse thate ende ine ee fore noe reasone
Jessica Simpson was released from a brief hospital stay. It was scary, Jessica thought she was seriously ill, she hurt everywhere on her body that she pointed to. Turns out she just had a sprained index finger.

Here she comes again
Dolly Parton was the featured artist on “American Idol” last night. I didn’t realize how short Dolly is. Turns out her boobs aren’t big, they’re normal, they’re just disproportionate to her tiny body.

Just kidding
A man in Ohio was arrested for having sex with a picnic table, but it turned out to be an April Fool’s joke, he was really having sex with the potato salad.

The Pacman
It looks like the Dallas Cowboys will sign Pacman Jones. Pacman Jones, you may remember, is the only man who has given more money to strippers than a New York Governor.

Oh, well, in that case
On this date in 1996, in college baseball, St. Francis of Illinois defeated Robert Morris 71-1. To be fair, Robert Morris did strand four runners on third.

On this date in 1996, in college baseball, St. Francis of Illinois defeated Robert Morris 71-1. After the game, an Illinois circuit court judge ordered Robert Morris to take steroids immediately.

Quite the conspiracy
The Dallas Cowboys will sign Pacman Jones. Pacman appeared on “Sixty Minutes” and denied all eight of his brushes with the law. He wasn’t there, he didn’t do it, somebody lied. If Pacman is telling the truth there is the greatest conspiracy to get Pacman since Neil Armstrong faked landing on the moon five years after he shot JFK for impregnating Mother Teresa.

Since you askededededed:

Now that it has been a while that I have been the last grown up in the United States with their own cell phone, it is boiling down to the old good news, bad news scenario.

The good news is that it is a good feeling to know that, if it becomes of the utmost vital importance, I can be reached at all times.

The bad news is that it is becoming increasingly obvious and depressing to me that it will never, ever become of the utmost vital importance for anybody to reach me.

“Oh, Alex, thank god it’s you. The lives of millions may hinge on this. Give us a “Paris Hilton is a skank” joke, stat.”

Chx it B 4 U wrx it B 4 I Lex it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Don’t fall for it
Happy belated April Fool’s Day. Yesterday was the day you have to be careful not to let people trick you. For example, if somebody suggested you invest in a Bear Stearns Sub Prime Mortgage and then celebrate by going to Eliot Spitzer’s Emperor’s Club, you may want to pass.

In the “White Trash” aisle
Toys R Us is offering fake tattoos for kids. They’re right next to the toy plastic crystal meth laboratory kits.

Here we go again
In Long Island, a 25-year-old female teacher is charged with having sex with her 16-year-old male student. She could face jail, he could face the never-ending jealousy of his buddies.

Oh goody
A company in Wisconsin has made a beer with pizza ingredients in it. And who doesn’t want to drink something that tastes like the floor of a New York City cab on New Years Eve?

A man in Oregon - who was a women but had a sex change operation to become a man - now claims to be pregnant. Guys, you thought you craved a vagina badly?

Good choice
Paris Hilton is taking acting lessons. The first acting lesson for Paris is to think outside her box.

We kid the Bradshaw
Terry Bradshaw is working with writers to create a one man 90-minute stand up show that will be as successful as Billy Chrystal’s 700 Sundays.” I don’t know, Billy Chrystal has three things Terry doesn’t have: hair, brains and talent.

So much for that
In Pennsylvania, Barack Obama went bowling and shot a 37. So much for the charge that Obama is too white.

More likely
In Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky; it seems Rambo is a more accurate comparison: a fictional character who dodged fake sniper fire.

Long odds
At Opening Day at Wrigley Field, they unveiled a statue of the great Chicago Cubs player, Ernie Banks. The sad news? Las Vegas has given the Ernie Banks statue better odds to go to the World Series this year than the Cubs.

Good news, bad news
Paris Hilton bruised her chin when she was knocked down by photographers. The good news is that Paris said her chin only hurts when she gives oral sex; unfortunately, that means it hurts constantly.

Blonde joke
Jessica Simpson was released from a hospital after being treated for a kidney infection. Jessica has no idea how she got the kidney infection, in fact, until she did, she didn’t even know she had kidneys.

Jessica Simpson was released from a hospital after being treated for a kidney infection. Urinary tract infections in young women are usually caused by increases in sexual activity. You know what that means? In the off season, Jessica has been Tony Romo’s leading receiver.

Great moment
Have you seen HBO’s “John Adams”? There is a great scene where George Washington is sworn in as President and, at the inaugural ball, John McCain introduces the Rolling Stones.

While promoting his book “Vindicated” Jose Conseco claims baseball had a conspiracy to cover up steroid tests to discredit Conseco. At this point I would have a better chance of believing Conseco if he said he dodged sniper bullets in Bosnia.

While promoting his book “Vindicated” Jose Conseco gives one the feeling that, without the help of a ghost writer on this book, Conseco thought vindicated was a brand of jock-rash ointment.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Get a biscuit on this that there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It really is true, the word gullible is not in any dictionary.

Where have I heard that before?
It’s Opening Day in baseball and at the Washington Nationals game, President Bush threw out the first pitch. Unfortunately he didn’t have an exit strategy and he got shelled for nine innings.

A sure sign
Rumor has it that Brad Pitt married Angelina Jolie; I think it’s true, they just adopted a minister.

Ahh, the smell of opening day
It’s opening day at Wrigley Field and the Chicago Cubs have added new seats that auction for thousands of dollars. The seats are so close to the field the fans can smell the bitter resignation on the Cubs players.

It has been one hundred years since the Chicago Cubs have won a World Series. To give you an idea how long it’s been, even John McCain can’t remember the last time the Cubs won a World Series.

Two reasons
Hillary Clinton said she is a Rolling Stones fan. And not just because they named two songs after her, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” and “Bitch.”

What a good idea
Israel announced they are getting rid of their roadblocks to Palestine. After all, what could go wrong with doing that?

What is the matter with that guy?
A woman is suing American Airlines because the guy next to her masturbated for the entire three- hour flight. For the love of decency, Eliot Spitzer, get some help.

A woman is suing American Airlines because the guy next to her masturbated for the entire three- hour flight. She’s suing American Airlines because it wasn’t something special that was in the air.

A woman is suing American Airlines because the guy next to her masturbated for the entire three- hour flight. He claims he was just trying to join the mile high club by himself.

Iran is trying to attract American tourists. The Iranian Tourism board’s new motto? “Come for the intolerance, stay for the anger.”

Iran is trying to attract American tourists. “Hey, that’s a great idea. Why don’t we spend our vacation in Iran?” said absolutely nobody.

That will help
Hillary Clinton’s supporters say see should stay in the race until June. Besides, it will be a lot easier for Hillary to dodge snipers when there is no more snow and ice.

Of course
According to a new
study, Mexico is now the second fattest nation on Earth, right behind the United States. Of course we are the fattest nation on earth, we got lard-asses like Dr. Phil writing diet books.

She counts like a big girl
“21” was number one at the box office. Or as Jessica Simpson calls it “(Ten fingers) This many and this many (ten fingers) plus one.”

Great comparison
“The Rolling Stones” Mick Jagger was the cover story for “Parade” magazine. He looks great for 64. Especially when he is standing next to Keith Richards.

“The Rolling Stones” Mick Jagger was the cover story for “Parade” magazine. He looks great for 64. And Keith Richards looks good for his age, which is 132 in Keith-Richards-years.

“The Rolling Stones” Mick Jagger was the cover story for “Parade” magazine. Jagger has been busy, he plays himself in an upcoming Martin Scorsese “Stones” documentary titled “Shine a Light” and Mick also plays himself on the HBO series; “John Adams.”

Paris Hilton bruised her chin after a run-in with paparazzi outside a Czech Republic restaurant; on one hand it wasn’t the first time that Paris bounced a Czech.

Since you asked:

It is official, there is some odd force in my universe that creates the fact that no matter how uncrowded a store is, there may only be a handful of shoppers in a huge super market, there will be one nob, some tool, some 'moke, some helmet, some yutz, some snork, some oxygen-thief who is standing right in front of whatever it is on the shelf that I need with nothing else in the world to do but stand there in the way and stare as if hypnotized. And possibly on the cell phone with his wife saying:

"Well, they have fat-free and non-fat salad dressing. Which one is better?"

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Add this to my celebrity iTunes playlist

Bell Bottom Blues” by Eric with Derek and the Dominos. Yes, the name dates it, but so what? Listen to it and picture a broken-hearted 17-year-old boy staring out at the white caps on Lake Michigan on a blustery early spring day desperately trying not to think about the soft long brown hair, sweet perfume and warm lips of a beautiful girl who was with another man.

Karen, you broke my heart. Thank you forever.