Thursday, April 03, 2008

Chx it B 4 U wrx it B 4 I Lex it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Don’t fall for it
Happy belated April Fool’s Day. Yesterday was the day you have to be careful not to let people trick you. For example, if somebody suggested you invest in a Bear Stearns Sub Prime Mortgage and then celebrate by going to Eliot Spitzer’s Emperor’s Club, you may want to pass.

In the “White Trash” aisle
Toys R Us is offering fake tattoos for kids. They’re right next to the toy plastic crystal meth laboratory kits.

Here we go again
In Long Island, a 25-year-old female teacher is charged with having sex with her 16-year-old male student. She could face jail, he could face the never-ending jealousy of his buddies.

Oh goody
A company in Wisconsin has made a beer with pizza ingredients in it. And who doesn’t want to drink something that tastes like the floor of a New York City cab on New Years Eve?

A man in Oregon - who was a women but had a sex change operation to become a man - now claims to be pregnant. Guys, you thought you craved a vagina badly?

Good choice
Paris Hilton is taking acting lessons. The first acting lesson for Paris is to think outside her box.

We kid the Bradshaw
Terry Bradshaw is working with writers to create a one man 90-minute stand up show that will be as successful as Billy Chrystal’s 700 Sundays.” I don’t know, Billy Chrystal has three things Terry doesn’t have: hair, brains and talent.

So much for that
In Pennsylvania, Barack Obama went bowling and shot a 37. So much for the charge that Obama is too white.

More likely
In Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky; it seems Rambo is a more accurate comparison: a fictional character who dodged fake sniper fire.

Long odds
At Opening Day at Wrigley Field, they unveiled a statue of the great Chicago Cubs player, Ernie Banks. The sad news? Las Vegas has given the Ernie Banks statue better odds to go to the World Series this year than the Cubs.

Good news, bad news
Paris Hilton bruised her chin when she was knocked down by photographers. The good news is that Paris said her chin only hurts when she gives oral sex; unfortunately, that means it hurts constantly.

Blonde joke
Jessica Simpson was released from a hospital after being treated for a kidney infection. Jessica has no idea how she got the kidney infection, in fact, until she did, she didn’t even know she had kidneys.

Jessica Simpson was released from a hospital after being treated for a kidney infection. Urinary tract infections in young women are usually caused by increases in sexual activity. You know what that means? In the off season, Jessica has been Tony Romo’s leading receiver.

Great moment
Have you seen HBO’s “John Adams”? There is a great scene where George Washington is sworn in as President and, at the inaugural ball, John McCain introduces the Rolling Stones.

While promoting his book “Vindicated” Jose Conseco claims baseball had a conspiracy to cover up steroid tests to discredit Conseco. At this point I would have a better chance of believing Conseco if he said he dodged sniper bullets in Bosnia.

While promoting his book “Vindicated” Jose Conseco gives one the feeling that, without the help of a ghost writer on this book, Conseco thought vindicated was a brand of jock-rash ointment.