Slice it, dice it and thrice it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How is that possible?
Barack Obama went bowling and shot a 37. Damn, I had $50 on the over at 40. How do you shoot a 37 in bowling? Don’t they give you 25 when you rent the shoes?

Barack Obama went bowling and shot a 37. That broke the lowest bowling score for a famous black man. And that was set by Stevie Wonder.

Olde blonde joke ande othere wordse thate ende ine ee fore noe reasone
Jessica Simpson was released from a brief hospital stay. It was scary, Jessica thought she was seriously ill, she hurt everywhere on her body that she pointed to. Turns out she just had a sprained index finger.

Here she comes again
Dolly Parton was the featured artist on “American Idol” last night. I didn’t realize how short Dolly is. Turns out her boobs aren’t big, they’re normal, they’re just disproportionate to her tiny body.

Just kidding
A man in Ohio was arrested for having sex with a picnic table, but it turned out to be an April Fool’s joke, he was really having sex with the potato salad.

The Pacman
It looks like the Dallas Cowboys will sign Pacman Jones. Pacman Jones, you may remember, is the only man who has given more money to strippers than a New York Governor.

Oh, well, in that case
On this date in 1996, in college baseball, St. Francis of Illinois defeated Robert Morris 71-1. To be fair, Robert Morris did strand four runners on third.

On this date in 1996, in college baseball, St. Francis of Illinois defeated Robert Morris 71-1. After the game, an Illinois circuit court judge ordered Robert Morris to take steroids immediately.

Quite the conspiracy
The Dallas Cowboys will sign Pacman Jones. Pacman appeared on “Sixty Minutes” and denied all eight of his brushes with the law. He wasn’t there, he didn’t do it, somebody lied. If Pacman is telling the truth there is the greatest conspiracy to get Pacman since Neil Armstrong faked landing on the moon five years after he shot JFK for impregnating Mother Teresa.

Since you askededededed:

Now that it has been a while that I have been the last grown up in the United States with their own cell phone, it is boiling down to the old good news, bad news scenario.

The good news is that it is a good feeling to know that, if it becomes of the utmost vital importance, I can be reached at all times.

The bad news is that it is becoming increasingly obvious and depressing to me that it will never, ever become of the utmost vital importance for anybody to reach me.

“Oh, Alex, thank god it’s you. The lives of millions may hinge on this. Give us a “Paris Hilton is a skank” joke, stat.”