Friday, February 15, 2008

Here is a question, Slatteenlies and Nuggluses, you may or may not want to ask yourself going into a long weekend:

If it's all things in moderation, wouldn't that also apply to moderation?
Fuhgettahboutit, he’s a frickin’ bagahdouche, dat guy, ayyyyyye, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold is it?
It has been chilly in Los Angeles. Today I was shaking like Roger Clemens taking a lie detector test.

It was Valentines Day, guys, you know you had a bad Valentines Day when your date asked you to drop her home early so she could catch the “L Word” on Showtime.

It was Valentines Day, guys, you know you had a bad Valentines Day when your date asked you to drop her home early because she was playing in a big softball tournament the next day.

Not good
Roger Clemens again denied using steroids in front of a congressional hearing. I’m not so sure Roger’s testimony was believable, while he testified, his nose grew longer than his tail.

Roger Clemens denied using steroids in front of a congressional hearing. Is it just me or does Roger Clemens remind you of the little kid who knows you saw them break the window but they deny it anyway? All that was missing was a few “Nuh uh. Did not times infinity.”

Brains really run in that family
Paris Hilton’s younger brother, Conrad, was arrested for driving under the influence. You know brains run in that Hilton family. They run right out of their ears out on the floor.

Is it me?
Mitt Romney suspended his campaign. Is it just me or does Mitt remind you of the movie submarine captain who dives her down past the recommended safety depth?

Mitt Romney suspended his campaign. Is it just me or does Mitt remind you of the guy at the gym riding the exercise bike while reading “Forbes” magazine?

Is it just me or does Mitt Romney remind you of the officer in the war movies who answers everybody with a crisp salute shouting; “Outstanding, soldier.”

Mitt Romney suspended his campaign. Is it just me or does Mitt Romney look like a guy who makes a double-clickie noise when he winks?

Mitt Romney suspended his campaign. Is it just me or does Mitt Romney look like a guy who likes to point hello at people with pistol hands and say Beeeewwwww.

Is it just me or does Mitt Romney look like a guy who likes to nickname guys sport and tiger?

Is it just me or does Mitt Romney look like a guy who says "bottom line" and "play with the numbers" a lot?

Is it just me or does Mitt Romney look like the guy who will tell anyone who listens how you can judge a man by the crease of his pants and the shine of his shoes?

Since you asked:

Or, Lex Does His Andy Rooney Impression.

You know how there’s no crying in baseball? There’s no fretting when you’re young. You just don’t fret. My inability to fret as a youth became legend. Even at the age where your friends who will turn out to be natural fretters start to show sign of fretting to get into college, I had no such worries. In fact, I never did really apply to a college, I just sort of showed up to one.

Even when, after a couple of years, I got into U.C.S.B. I had flown halfway across the country from Chicago without any money or any place to stay and not knowing anyone. My checking account was supposed to be set up when I arrived on Friday, but it was not. Did I fret? No. For three nights and two days I slept on brief acquaintance’s floors and even in the pole vault pit waking to the sound of the hundreds of tree frogs jumping all over me.

And I went a good two and a half days without eating. You know what I learned? If I have to, I can go more than a few days without eating. To this day, the taste of the bacon, avocado and cheese omelet I had that broke my involuntary fast is vivid and wonderful in my mind.

Even when I was out of college for a few years and moved to arguably one of the most dangerous cities for a visitor in the world, New York, without a place to live, I did not fret. I had a job and some money and good friends there to help me, so I was way ahead of when I moved to Santa Barbara.

Not fretting is not always a good thing. Believe me, when your car overheats and runs out of gas at the exact same time, as mine did, when I was on my first job taking my regional sales manager with me on appointments, you start to realize a little fretting about getting gas and coolant could have avoided that nightmare.

But now as I get older, I find that I fret much more. Maybe this has to do with being a father. There is a lot of fretting about your kid.

But last weekend when we went away for the weekend to a soccer tournament, I fretted all the day before. Not big frets, but frets all the same. There was fretting about getting a hair cut, doing laundry, going to the bank. Now I even fret a bit about packing. (Packing is how you can spot the real fretters. They talk and plan about packing a lot)

Fretting about packing is really stupid but especially about packing when you are leaving to come home. You don’t have to fret about what or what not to bring, you just shove everything in a suitcase. But a lot of people leaving a trip have “Pack” right on the top of their “To Do” list. People who have to do lists are fretters.

And even once we were packed and on the road, I fretted about the fact that, if my daughter’s team won, we had to book a hotel that night. (If they lost we would just come back) Real fretters have a hard time traveling to any place without a reservation.

Fretting is a very American/English/Germanic trait. Bless their lase faire hearts, the French are not fretters. Of course they have also lost their first world status and have no military to protect themselves, but they don’t fret.

Just look at our commercials. How can you not be a fretter? Are you prepared for retirement? Are you earning enough points with your credit card? What? You don’t have any points? What happens if you are hurt and out of work, will your insurance company pay for expenses like Geico? Or is it Aflec? No, that’s right, Aflec is the one who reminds you to fret about the fact that, while you are sitting on you lazy ass watching the game, you are paying too much for your auto insurance. Oh, crap, am I paying too much for my auto insurance?

Now that I reflect on it, a lot of my lack of fretting can be attributed to plain old fashioned laziness. You find someone who brags about not being a fretter and I will show you someone who probably does fret but is just is too lazy to do anything about it.

Alcoholics and addicts don’t fret about anything, including losing teeth, as long as they have enough booze and drugs. A lot more fretting would do them good.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is really just Advance Placement Fretting.

Don’t believe anyone who says they don’t fret. Even in my youth, I used to have sleeping problems from time to time and that comes from subconscious fretting working its way to your conscience. But back then the only thing I really fretted about were girls and how to get them. Oh, and I fretted about what to do if I ever got one.

That is one of the things that amazes people who strike it rich. The amount of fretting actually goes up. Sure their house, clothes, cars and homes are nicer, but they have much, much more to fret about. Like people asking for money, for one.

Old people fret a lot. I've got an older relative who actually frets about whether they fret too much. Now that is some serious fretting.

The thing to do when you start to fret is to ask yourself: will fretting about this do any good? Will fretting about the rain make any difference? No. Will fretting about what to wear if it does rain help? Yes.

So here is the deal with fretting. Being organized is good, fretting is not so much. The old 80-20 rule applies to fretting. We fret about 80% about things we have no control over. So don’t fret.

Remember the old bromide: If you want to make god smile, make plans. But if you want to make a hotel desk clerk laugh in your face, show up without a reservation.

And don’t pray to win the lottery unless you’ve bought a ticket.

And, if you win the lottery, whatever you do, have the decency not to, out loud at least, fret about paying taxes on the winnings.

There's fretting and there's just being a douche bag.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

We droppin a dime just in time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . cold . . . was . . .it?
It is so cold in New York, Hillary Clinton fired another campaign manager just for the fire.

No wonder
A study claims men lose brain cells three times faster than women. You try and not burn up brain cells rapidly when you’re constantly answering questions like “Does this dress make me look fat?”

A study claims men lose brain cells three times faster than women. The study claims the reason men burn up brains cells so much faster than woman has something to do with some scientific thing that does something to that other medical-sounding thing.

Please, please do not do this
It’s freezing cold in New York during fashion week, so please, please, no matter how tempting, New Yorkers, do not use the super models for kindling.

Yep, that’s what I call it
The annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition is out and it is spectacular, or, as I describe it to my wife: salacious filth that I will throw away at the first opportunity, dear.

The annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition is out and it is spectacular. The “SI” swimsuit issue is as much about swimsuits as a lap dance is about putting a girl through medical school.

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is out. One of the models is only wearing a flower lei and a strategically placed cocoanut. Dear S.I. if you don’t want us hack comedians making jokes about your swimsuit edition, do not toss us softballs like the words lei and cocoanut.

Chicago Cubs jerseys with the name of their newest pitching acquisition are flying off the shelves because Cubs fans aren’t ashamed to walk around with the name Fukudome on their backs. Hey, that’s nothing, St. Louis Cardinals fans wear jerseys that identify them as Pujols.

You know, that section
The latest “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit issue features bikini clad hot wives of rich and famous athletes like Johnny Damon and Jeff Gordon. It’s in the “Sorry, Dude, but your life sucks” section of the magazine.

Dear Sports Illustrated:

As I have asked my wife to observe over my shoulder, I am writing you in total and utter disgust and anger over how inappropriate the salacious filth is you call your swimsuit edition especially in an alleged sports magazine. What kind of message are you giving to our young girls when you objectify those poor models in such a flagrantly sexist manner? Please, expect to see a request for you to cancel my . . .

OK, she left to watch “Oprah.” Don’t you dare cancel my subscription. You “SI” dudes rock. Danica Patrick? Oh my word, why would Viagra need to advertise on a car race ever again? Just show her white bathing suit shots. Viva Viagra? Viva Danica. And all that one babe was wearing was mud. What, are you kidding me? Mud? If I asked my wife to wear mud she would throw it in my face.

Keep up the great work and don’t worry about those spineless weasels with too much time on their hands who write to complain. Who cares what they think? They are not smart enough to know that the swimsuit issue comes out every single year. Oh snap, she is coming back . . .

You should be ashamed of yourselves, Mr. Sports Illustrated, ashamed, I say . . .

She’s gone again. Six words, Sports Illustrated: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

We runnin’ and gunnin’ the funnin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . .cold . . .is it?
Man it is cold back East. It was so cold in Washington, Roger Clemens had to lie to congress about never having injected anti-freeze into his butt.

Man it is cold back East. In New York people were shaking like Amy Winehouse the day after celebrating winning the Grammys.

Whither Mitt?
Mitt Romney has suspended his campaign. But don’t worry about Mitt, he is going to go back to his Massachusetts country club cocktail parties and tell a lot of scotch-fueled dirty golf jokes.

Mitt Romney has suspended his campaign. But don’t worry about Mitt, he is going to go back to his old job playing the stand up bass for the band in those Viva Viagra commercials.

Mitt Romney has suspended his campaign. But don’t worry about Mitt, he is going to go back to his old job as an over-caffeinated motivational speaker who fires up a bunch of out-of-work insurance agents.

Revised for geographical reasons
Is it just me or does John McCain look like that Southwest Pilot on the flight from Los Angeles to Denver who won’t shut up on the intercom about the Grand Canyon?

Monday, February 11, 2008

Without me you are just aweso, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Or something like that
The Westminster Dog Show is tonight. Did you know the most popular dog this election year is named for the candidates as well the election? It’s the combination Bullmastif and Shih Tzu, that’s right: the Bull Shih Tzu.

Just in tyme
The writer’s strike is over. Just in time because, between I and you, we wasn’t doing near rightly as goodly without our writerers.

Good to know
An Arizona drug company has a new test that will determine if the substance you find your kid is hiding is either marijuana or oregano. So, for $40 bucks you find out if your kid is a stoner or really stupid.

Not good
Paris Hilton movie, “The Hottie and the Nottie” made a whopping $91 per screen this weekend. That means that, this weekend, less people went inside a movie theater to see Paris’s movie than ended up inside Paris.

First time for everything
Now Roger Clemen’s trainer, Brian McNamee, claims Roger requested he inject HGH into Roger’s wife Debbe’s butt, for her “Sports Illustrated” bathing suit photograph. If this is true Clemens will be the first guy to intentionally put together the words trainer, inject, butt and wife.

Well, they didn’t
At Guantanamo Bay they are seeking the death penalty for six of the September 11th planners. “Gosh, that’s really too bad” said nobody on the planet.

Hate to see that happen again
It’s fashion week in New York so the Bronx zoo wants to avoid another tragedy by asking please, please, fashion models do not walk in between the cage bars to pet the lion or polar bear.

Nice move
Hillary Clinton fired her campaign manager. It’s all part of Hillary’s new “Rearranging The Deck Chairs on the Titanic” strategy.

Big night
Amy Winehouse had a big night last night as she won the most Grammys; in addition, when it came to drugs, Amy had the most grams.

Amy Winehouse won the most Grammys. Gosh, I wonder what she is going to do to celebrate?

I swear I saw this
It’s fashion week in New York. In central park, a squirrel and a super model fought over the squirrel’s nuts.

Those guys are amazing
At the Grammys, the Foo Fighters won best rock album; those Foo Fighters are hard workers, they fight more Foo before Nine A.M. than most people fight all day.

And here we have a new feature at a.L.bB. we call:

Lex’s Totally Unqualified and Unsolicited Health Tips:

Hydrate. Your drate can never be too hy. That being said, that whole ten-glasses-of eight-ounces- of-water is a waste of time and urine. It turns out that those beverages that were deemed diuretics (made you lose water) are not if your body needs water, like coffee, juices, etc. When your pee is in the clear, so are you.

One day a week, try and sleep late or nap until you just can’t sleep no more. Nobody these days can do that regularly but once a week is doable.

Keep a workout journal and write in it everyday. Those days you are thinking about blowing off a work out it is a lot harder to blow it off when you have to write down: Did not work out today, I ate fudge and drank Yoo Hoos instead.

Fire up a really fun iPod playlist to workout to. Get creative. There are songs you may think you don’t like but are awesome to work out to. For example, Kenny Loggin’s “Top Gun” inspired “Danger Zone” may seem helplessly dated but it will fire you up. Same with ACDC’s “Shook Me All Night Long.”

If it's fun, you will work out more. For example, I have snowboarded and stand up paddle boarded until I had to lie down and groan. This has never happened to me on the Stairmaster or treadmill.

If you are thinking about blowing off an afternoon workout, drink coffee. It will jack you up and it helps you get more oxygen into your bloodstream during aerobic exercise. Or something like that, I told you I wasn’t qualified to give this advice.

Grill or bake instead of frying. Cut up a bunch of small Yukon gold potatoes into fourths or eighths, place in a bowl, drizzle with olive oil, add sea salt, fresh ground pepper, garlic powder, smoked paprika and rosemary, mix well and place on a baking sheet in the oven at 450 degrees for about forty minutes. Much better than French fries and better for you.

Stretch. This is really an example of the pot calling the kettle a hypocrite as I am way too tight. But stretching is the best thing you can do with the least amount of effort to improve your fitness and how you feel. A hot shower can really help you get loose fast.

One day a week, save time from fixing and cleaning up dinner and just snack on relatively healthy things like pistachio nuts, Greek olives, apple slices, grapes, cheese and crackers with some salami, small carrots. Grill some good sausages, slice them up and place out a choice of fancy mustards to dab them in to. Do not double dab.

If you don’t have time to do your regular workout, just do something. A little exercise is a whole lot better than none. Days when I just have time to run and pick up my daughter from soccer practice, if I start juggling a soccer ball enough to break a light sweat, or if I just take the doggies for a 15-minute brisk walk, I feel much better than if I did absolutely nothing.