Fuhgettahboutit, he’s a frickin’ bagahdouche, dat guy, ayyyyyye, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


How cold is it?
It has been chilly in Los Angeles. Today I was shaking like Roger Clemens taking a lie detector test.

VD
It was Valentines Day, guys, you know you had a bad Valentines Day when your date asked you to drop her home early so she could catch the “L Word” on Showtime.

It was Valentines Day, guys, you know you had a bad Valentines Day when your date asked you to drop her home early because she was playing in a big softball tournament the next day.

Not good
Roger Clemens again denied using steroids in front of a congressional hearing. I’m not so sure Roger’s testimony was believable, while he testified, his nose grew longer than his tail.

Roger Clemens denied using steroids in front of a congressional hearing. Is it just me or does Roger Clemens remind you of the little kid who knows you saw them break the window but they deny it anyway? All that was missing was a few “Nuh uh. Did not times infinity.”

Brains really run in that family
Paris Hilton’s younger brother, Conrad, was arrested for driving under the influence. You know brains run in that Hilton family. They run right out of their ears out on the floor.

Is it me?
Mitt Romney suspended his campaign. Is it just me or does Mitt remind you of the movie submarine captain who dives her down past the recommended safety depth?

Mitt Romney suspended his campaign. Is it just me or does Mitt remind you of the guy at the gym riding the exercise bike while reading “Forbes” magazine?

Is it just me or does Mitt Romney remind you of the officer in the war movies who answers everybody with a crisp salute shouting; “Outstanding, soldier.”

Mitt Romney suspended his campaign. Is it just me or does Mitt Romney look like a guy who makes a double-clickie noise when he winks?

Mitt Romney suspended his campaign. Is it just me or does Mitt Romney look like a guy who likes to point hello at people with pistol hands and say Beeeewwwww.


Is it just me or does Mitt Romney look like a guy who likes to nickname guys sport and tiger?

Is it just me or does Mitt Romney look like a guy who says "bottom line" and "play with the numbers" a lot?

Is it just me or does Mitt Romney look like the guy who will tell anyone who listens how you can judge a man by the crease of his pants and the shine of his shoes?

Since you asked:

Or, Lex Does His Andy Rooney Impression.

You know how there’s no crying in baseball? There’s no fretting when you’re young. You just don’t fret. My inability to fret as a youth became legend. Even at the age where your friends who will turn out to be natural fretters start to show sign of fretting to get into college, I had no such worries. In fact, I never did really apply to a college, I just sort of showed up to one.

Even when, after a couple of years, I got into U.C.S.B. I had flown halfway across the country from Chicago without any money or any place to stay and not knowing anyone. My checking account was supposed to be set up when I arrived on Friday, but it was not. Did I fret? No. For three nights and two days I slept on brief acquaintance’s floors and even in the pole vault pit waking to the sound of the hundreds of tree frogs jumping all over me.

And I went a good two and a half days without eating. You know what I learned? If I have to, I can go more than a few days without eating. To this day, the taste of the bacon, avocado and cheese omelet I had that broke my involuntary fast is vivid and wonderful in my mind.

Even when I was out of college for a few years and moved to arguably one of the most dangerous cities for a visitor in the world, New York, without a place to live, I did not fret. I had a job and some money and good friends there to help me, so I was way ahead of when I moved to Santa Barbara.

Not fretting is not always a good thing. Believe me, when your car overheats and runs out of gas at the exact same time, as mine did, when I was on my first job taking my regional sales manager with me on appointments, you start to realize a little fretting about getting gas and coolant could have avoided that nightmare.

But now as I get older, I find that I fret much more. Maybe this has to do with being a father. There is a lot of fretting about your kid.

But last weekend when we went away for the weekend to a soccer tournament, I fretted all the day before. Not big frets, but frets all the same. There was fretting about getting a hair cut, doing laundry, going to the bank. Now I even fret a bit about packing. (Packing is how you can spot the real fretters. They talk and plan about packing a lot)

Fretting about packing is really stupid but especially about packing when you are leaving to come home. You don’t have to fret about what or what not to bring, you just shove everything in a suitcase. But a lot of people leaving a trip have “Pack” right on the top of their “To Do” list. People who have to do lists are fretters.

And even once we were packed and on the road, I fretted about the fact that, if my daughter’s team won, we had to book a hotel that night. (If they lost we would just come back) Real fretters have a hard time traveling to any place without a reservation.

Fretting is a very American/English/Germanic trait. Bless their lase faire hearts, the French are not fretters. Of course they have also lost their first world status and have no military to protect themselves, but they don’t fret.

Just look at our commercials. How can you not be a fretter? Are you prepared for retirement? Are you earning enough points with your credit card? What? You don’t have any points? What happens if you are hurt and out of work, will your insurance company pay for expenses like Geico? Or is it Aflec? No, that’s right, Aflec is the one who reminds you to fret about the fact that, while you are sitting on you lazy ass watching the game, you are paying too much for your auto insurance. Oh, crap, am I paying too much for my auto insurance?

Now that I reflect on it, a lot of my lack of fretting can be attributed to plain old fashioned laziness. You find someone who brags about not being a fretter and I will show you someone who probably does fret but is just is too lazy to do anything about it.

Alcoholics and addicts don’t fret about anything, including losing teeth, as long as they have enough booze and drugs. A lot more fretting would do them good.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is really just Advance Placement Fretting.

Don’t believe anyone who says they don’t fret. Even in my youth, I used to have sleeping problems from time to time and that comes from subconscious fretting working its way to your conscience. But back then the only thing I really fretted about were girls and how to get them. Oh, and I fretted about what to do if I ever got one.

That is one of the things that amazes people who strike it rich. The amount of fretting actually goes up. Sure their house, clothes, cars and homes are nicer, but they have much, much more to fret about. Like people asking for money, for one.

Old people fret a lot. I've got an older relative who actually frets about whether they fret too much. Now that is some serious fretting.

The thing to do when you start to fret is to ask yourself: will fretting about this do any good? Will fretting about the rain make any difference? No. Will fretting about what to wear if it does rain help? Yes.

So here is the deal with fretting. Being organized is good, fretting is not so much. The old 80-20 rule applies to fretting. We fret about 80% about things we have no control over. So don’t fret.

Remember the old bromide: If you want to make god smile, make plans. But if you want to make a hotel desk clerk laugh in your face, show up without a reservation.

And don’t pray to win the lottery unless you’ve bought a ticket.

And, if you win the lottery, whatever you do, have the decency not to, out loud at least, fret about paying taxes on the winnings.

There's fretting and there's just being a douche bag.