We droppin a dime just in time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . cold . . . was . . .it?
It is so cold in New York, Hillary Clinton fired another campaign manager just for the fire.

No wonder
A study claims men lose brain cells three times faster than women. You try and not burn up brain cells rapidly when you’re constantly answering questions like “Does this dress make me look fat?”

A study claims men lose brain cells three times faster than women. The study claims the reason men burn up brains cells so much faster than woman has something to do with some scientific thing that does something to that other medical-sounding thing.

Please, please do not do this
It’s freezing cold in New York during fashion week, so please, please, no matter how tempting, New Yorkers, do not use the super models for kindling.

Yep, that’s what I call it
The annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition is out and it is spectacular, or, as I describe it to my wife: salacious filth that I will throw away at the first opportunity, dear.

The annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition is out and it is spectacular. The “SI” swimsuit issue is as much about swimsuits as a lap dance is about putting a girl through medical school.

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is out. One of the models is only wearing a flower lei and a strategically placed cocoanut. Dear S.I. if you don’t want us hack comedians making jokes about your swimsuit edition, do not toss us softballs like the words lei and cocoanut.

Cubbies
Chicago Cubs jerseys with the name of their newest pitching acquisition are flying off the shelves because Cubs fans aren’t ashamed to walk around with the name Fukudome on their backs. Hey, that’s nothing, St. Louis Cardinals fans wear jerseys that identify them as Pujols.

You know, that section
The latest “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit issue features bikini clad hot wives of rich and famous athletes like Johnny Damon and Jeff Gordon. It’s in the “Sorry, Dude, but your life sucks” section of the magazine.

Dear Sports Illustrated:

As I have asked my wife to observe over my shoulder, I am writing you in total and utter disgust and anger over how inappropriate the salacious filth is you call your swimsuit edition especially in an alleged sports magazine. What kind of message are you giving to our young girls when you objectify those poor models in such a flagrantly sexist manner? Please, expect to see a request for you to cancel my . . .

OK, she left to watch “Oprah.” Don’t you dare cancel my subscription. You “SI” dudes rock. Danica Patrick? Oh my word, why would Viagra need to advertise on a car race ever again? Just show her white bathing suit shots. Viva Viagra? Viva Danica. And all that one babe was wearing was mud. What, are you kidding me? Mud? If I asked my wife to wear mud she would throw it in my face.

Keep up the great work and don’t worry about those spineless weasels with too much time on their hands who write to complain. Who cares what they think? They are not smart enough to know that the swimsuit issue comes out every single year. Oh snap, she is coming back . . .

You should be ashamed of yourselves, Mr. Sports Illustrated, ashamed, I say . . .

She’s gone again. Six words, Sports Illustrated: Thank you, thank you, thank you.