Saturday, September 15, 2007

This just in:
Initially highly ranked, but now both 0-2, Michigan and Notre Dame match up to see whose season will suck less. The last time two bigger underachievers hooked up it was called: The Federline-Spears wedding.

Ah, I love the smell of bacon and coffee in the morning, it reminds me of Fall Saturdays in leafy suburban Chicago, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

As if
After her nightmare comeback performance at the MTV Awards, critics are wondering if Britney can salvage her career? Britney thinks she can make another comeback, in fact, she’d bet her britches on it, if she ever wore any.

Wanna get away? Not so fast, you skank
Southwest Airlines has changed their slogan. It is now: “You are now free to move about the country, except you, you little whore.”

A second woman has come forward to say she was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight because she was dressed too sexy. Hey, Southwest, how about reserving me a seat before you cop the snotty attitude, OK, you glorified Greyhound bus of the skies?

The most boring statement in the world? Man, I had the weirdest dream last night

But I really did.

There I was stand up paddleboard surfing on the coolest UCSB-colored golden yellow and sea blue paddleboard in a remote coastal section of Western Australia with a really nice family who owned this massive sheep ranch/ Victorian stone and wood castle estate on the rugged, blustery coast.

They were a friendly, partying, athletic bunch with great rock blaring on outdoor speakers, prawns steaming on the smoky “barbies” and lots of yellow and black Labrador hunting dogs and shiny black and chestnut race horses freely milling about on the beach and on the tall grass fields beyond the cliffs. Their private beach was strewn with colorful surfboards water ski speed boats, kayaks, ocean rowboats and various fishing boats.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, we were under siege in a nightmare of canon fire from their enemy neighbors from the North who were evil South Africans trying to create a slave trade of Aborigines to be sold to remote Australian and New Zealand ranches. They were attacking our ranch because it had the only landfall for a port for a thousand of miles, which they desperately needed for their burgeoning slave trade.

(No horses or Labradors were hurt during this attack)

The attack got so bad we had to retreat into the nearby coastal mountains to regroup and to plan a counter guerilla attack on the slave merchants. We were high in the mountains in somewhat of a tropical forest. One of the brothers turned out to be not- so bright, so naturally there sprung up an amusing “Who’s on first” routine with gorillas and guerillas.

“We are going to launch a four-prong guerilla attack, mates.”

“But, crickey, how are we going to get gorillas to attack?”

Somehow we all simply retired to this mountain village rustic bar and grill for steaks and Margaritas and the entire skirmish was forgotten about entirely. At the rowdy, drunken table, I became embroiled in a bidding war for a vintage sea-foam-green Indian motorcycle.

It’s hilarious how reality and wild fantasy collide in these dreams. At one point I offered to write a check for the motorcycle but decided to put it on my credit card instead because I didn’t have enough cash in the checking account. Why couldn’t I have just dreamed I had ten million in cash from the recent sale of several Santa Barbara and Encinitas fixer-upper ranch house transactions?

That settles it. No more sweet garlic pickles with Oreos and milk before bed.

Friday, September 14, 2007

We gonna get sassy with our frassy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Welcome to the blog, or as we like to call it, “3:10 to Humor.”

Did you hear they are going to make a movie out of Britney Spears MTV performance? It’s called “3:10 to Coma.”

We kid the garden state
Prison officials had to use tear gas in a prison riot in New Jersey. Or as they call tear gas in New Jersey: air freshener.

Or something like that
Britney Spears was photographed in Las Vegas, once again, without panties. After her disastrous MTV performance, one has to assume Britney is desperately trying to snatch her career back.

Another weak “3:10 To Yuma” joke
Quentin Tarantino is thinking about making another Kill Bill sequel but this time with a western theme. It would be called “3:10 to Uma.”

Bad week
Britney Spears horrible week is getting worse. Today Britney was kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for not dressing sexy enough.

The New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was fined $500,000 for spying on the New York Jets. Is anyone surprised the Patriots cheat? They play in Gillette stadium. Of course they shave points.

Allegedly the alleged
O.J. Simpson has been questioned as an alleged suspect at an alleged theft at the Palace Casino in Las Vegas; as you know, OJ is also the alleged killer of his wife Nicole Brown and her friend, Ron Goldman, who are both allegedly dead.

I, uh, I did not know that
A second woman has said she was kicked off Southwest Airlines because she was dressed sexy. What hypocrites. Southwest Airlines is how hookers fly from L.A. to Las Vegas. In fact, there are so many hookers flying Southwest, for $100, you can have sex in the bathroom while the plane is still on the runway. It’s called the twenty-foot high club.

Since you asked:
So for about three days I noticed that Ann Caroline – who is nine – before she would walk into our kitchen, would stop and draw in a loud breath and then hold it, walk through the kitchen, cheeks puffed, and then, once outside, loudly exhale. Odd, I thought.

So finally I ask if something smelled bad that I wasn’t smelling? She said no. So on the fourth day, I asked Ann Caroline why she held her breath when she went through the kitchen.

“Because I don’t want to burn my lungs up.”

It turns out there was a story she heard that, when you make microwave popcorn, when you open the bag and inhale deeply to smell the steam, it can cause a lung injury called popcorn lung where the lungs get burned from the steam or from something in the popcorn that creates the buttery flavor. Ann Caroline thought the lungs got burned breathing when jsut walking next to the microwave.

Ann Caroline was greatly relieved to discover that she no longer had to hold her breath when walking past the microwave.

But a part of me secretly thought I should have not told her and see how long she would keep doing it.

In the words of the late, great Mitch Hedberg:

Dogs are always in the push up position.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

We gonna make the play like they did back in the day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Rancers

Good news
A Buffalo Bills player, Kevin Everett, badly hurts his neck in a game and just when the doctors announce he is paralyzed, he voluntarily moves his arms and legs. Isn’t that great? He voluntarily moved his arms and legs. Hell, most of the Oakland Raiders can’t do that.

Doctors say Everett will be able to walk and do most normal tasks but he can’t play professional football. So that means he can still be a Cleveland Brown.

Hef getting’ it done
In an interview 81-year-old Hugh Heffner claims he still has sex three times a week. When asked how good it is, Hef replied; “How good is what?”

In an interview 81-year-old Hugh Heffner claims he still has sex three times a week. And that is just the number of times he had sex that he can remember.

Or something like that
Bathroom party animal Idaho Senator Larry Craig wants to withdraw his guilty plea. Now he claims he wasn’t touching another guy in the stall, he was simply gerrymandering the bathroom.

Can fix an awful picture
Two Pittsburgh researchers have developed a software that can take really bad photographs and fix them. It takes awful shots and turns them into great shots. It works, they took a picture of Britney Spears at the MTV show and, bam, it turned her into Gwen Stefani.

It took the team picture of the Oakland Raiders and turned it into the Indianapolis Colts.

19 Years Gone
Legendary rock band Led Zeppelin is going to get back together after 19 years for one concert.
What did the original Led Zeppelin fan say when he was told that Led Zeppelin is getting back together? “Eh? Speak up sonny. Who is Ted Heffelen? ”

Musical challenges
The big thing in the music business is open challenges to other artists. Kanye West challenged 50 Cent and Country Singer Kenny Chesney to a record sales contest. And just today, Ashley Simpson challenged Madonna and Britney Spears to a bad lip-synch contest.

Hate those things
Don’t you just hate the junk e-mails? I’ve been getting two lately “OMG (Oh my god) somebody has a huge crush on you.” And an offer to add three inches to my penis. So which one is it? If I really needed three inches on my penis, somebody probably wouldn’t have a crush on me.

Since you asked:
Man, I loved me some Led Zeppelin when I was a buck. Still do. At a time when Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison were busy being dead, the Beatles were being Yoko’d to death, Roger Daltry was preoccupied with a pretty boy movie career and Mick Jagger was going through a very-troubling-to-a-young-teenage-boy gender bending silly campy faze, Eric Clapton was sick of being a guitar god while exploring the depth of heroine addiction, and the Eagles hadn’t really gotten rolling, Led Zeppelin was it.

Now Led’s preoccupation with “Lord of the Rings” seems hilariously dorky for a rocking band, but back then, it simply added to their mystery and storm-the-English-castle-and-rape-and-pillage image

If you don’t know, the mighty Zep was formed when Keith Moon and Pete Townsend left the Who sick of Roger Daltry’s diva fits. When Page announced they would jack up the rock on classic American blues songs, Moon said;

“That will go over like a lead balloon”

Moon left the still-being-formed band and went back to the Who. Hence the name Led Zeppelin.

Man, I gotta start charging for this stuff . . .

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

We did right by Vinny’s memory last night but not to our heads this morning, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Big night
A Japanese man, Yosuke Ochi, won the air guitar championship in Finland. It was a big day for Ochi. Two hours after winning the air guitar championship, Ochi also won the Sex-with-an-air-groupie contest.

After this Ochi will prepare to compete in an Air “Get-a-life” contest.

So what?
The Atlanta Falcons got hammered by the Minnesota Vikings Sunday 24-3. But Michael Vick doesn’t care. He didn’t have a dog in that fight.

So sad
Britney Spears tried to make her comeback at the MTV Music Video Awards in Las Vegas; it didn’t go well. In fact, Britney did everything she could to ruin her career short of organizing and betting on dog fights.

Even Sanjaya’s hair had a hard time watching it.

Where is Mia when you need her?
At the Women’s World Cup soccer Championship in China, in a mild upset, North Korea tied the U.S. 2-2. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il was so excited he fell off his booster seat.

Oops, I did it again . . .
Britney Spears tried to make her comeback at the MTV Music Video Awards in Las Vegas; it didn’t go well. In fact, her performance was so weak, listless and lazy, she had to change her name to Kevin Federline.

Britney Spears tried to make her comeback at the MTV Music Video Awards in Las Vegas; it didn’t go well. You had a feeling Britney’s lip-synching wasn’t going to go well when she dedicated her performance to Ashlee Simpson and Milli Vanilli.

Britney Spears tried to make her comeback at the MTV Music Video Awards in Las Vegas; it didn’t go well. They showed rapper 50 Cent in the audience cringing. You know a performance is bad when a guy who has been shot nine times can’t take it.

Just doesn’t make any sense
A New England Patriots employee had a video camera confiscated and the NFL is investigating if he was spying on the New York Jets. That’s silly. Why would he spy on the Jets when he could be snooping on Tom Brady’s super models?

Pretty sure that wasn’t the cause
Kid Rock and Tommy Lee got in a fight backstage at the MTV Music Video Awards. We’re not sure what the fight was about but we can rule out it was over who joined Mensa first.

This just in:
Apple has announced they have a new iPod. It has more memory, it’s smaller, costs less, can hold more songs, it can show movies, it . . . Wait, this just in, since I started telling this joke, Apple has announced they have an even newer iPod.

Let’s rule that one out right now
The excuses are starting to come out from Britney Spears’s camp for her horrible MTV Music Video Award performance. Britney was upset about jokes, they didn’t let her do the dance she wanted to do. One thing we do know, it wasn’t because her underwear was too tight.,

Since you asked:
Lex has a new pet peeve. Warning, now that you are aware of this you will run into it everywhere all the time.

What is it with people who see that you are waiting for them to pull out of a parking spot – either I want it or I am being nice and letting them go ahead– and they see you stopped, clearly not moving and just as clearly waiting for them to pull out- but they wait for you to go by anyway? Doofus, Dorkmeister, I wouldn’t be stopped if I didn’t want to let you get out first, so stop waiting and GO.

And then when they stop so long you finally decide, oh screw this idiot, I am going to go past them, then the pull out.

And what is the deal with their pulling out one foot every ten seconds? What are they afraid of? Not only aren’t you moving and you can’t hit them while you wait, you are blocking anyone else from possibly hitting them. So step on it, Slappy.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

They gotta knock that rock into the onion bag, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Slats and Nugs, do me a favor and hoist an adult beverage to one "Skinny" Vinny "Boom Batz" Abate. A friend and a former co-worker who was one of many, many good people who died on September 11th, 2001)

Not good
Britney Spears tried to make her comeback at the MTV Music Awards in Las Vegas; it didn’t go well. Britney looked so out-of-shape and lethargic she could have been an Oakland Raider.

Well, that was nice
In his latest videotape, Osama bin Laden criticized the Democrats for not stopping the war in Iraq. But Osama did give Hillary Clinton a nice compliment on her pink pants suit.

Not happy
A homeland security advisor said that Osama bin Laden was virtually impotent. Osama is virtually impotent? This is going to be bad news for his 72 virgins in paradise.

In his latest videotape, Osama bin Laden said he is not gay, he was just in the Minneapolis airport men’s room stall using a really wide stance.

It’s only fair
Now bathroom partier Larry Craig will resign. First he said he would resign, then he said he wouldn’t resign, now he says he will resign. But hey, a girl has a right to change her mind.

Now it looks like bathroom enthusiast Larry Craig will resign. He wants to spend more time using a wide stance in his family bathroom.

Now it looks like bathroom enthusiast Larry Craig will resign. Walker still denies he is gay but that is not what the rumors say. The gay rumors in Idaho say Walker put the boys in Boise.

Popular dude
Remember that sleazy North Carolina prosecutor, Mike Nifong, who lied and hid evidence in the Duke Lacrosse team rape trial? He went to jail for one day. One thing you do not want to be is a prosecuting attorney in jail. Talk about a full dance card.

What up?
Paris Hilton is suing Hallmark for using her likeness and her trademark expression; “That’s hot.” Upon hearing they were being sued for using Paris Hilton’s trademark expression, a confused Hallmark spokesman said; “But we never once used the word skank.”

Makes scents
There is a new Men’s cologne called Mustang. Mustang cologne is perfect for the man who wants to smell like a wild dirty horse that has been running around in the hot dessert.

Signs of Fall
Fall is beginning to creep into the air even in Los Angeles. For example, Britney Spears is running around not wearing her flannel panties.

And counting
Miss Teen South Carolina gave a speech at the MTV Video Music Awards. Thanks to Britney Spears, Miss Teen South Carolina was only the second stupidest person there.

Since you asked:

Let me just say wow, wow and a little bit more of some wow with a side of wow soup. What a great sports weekend. Let me ‘splain.

Saturday I saw my daughter’s first of two soccer games this weekend. The first one was supposed to be a tune up against a local team our girls normally beat 4-1. The girls were sleep walking and sure enough, the defenders and the goalie did a “I got it, you got it” routine and we were down 1-0. Bang, got one back and then it was on, we were constantly on attack without one ball in our half. The problem? Their goalie guessed right, their goalie made a great save, off the post, just over the cross bar. Everywhere but in. Hey, it happens. We tied 1-1.

(Notice when the girls get scored on I call them the girls, but when they win I say we? Sad? A little bit)

But now we are in trouble. The game Sunday is against a great, great team, the Temecula Hawks, who just barely lost to the So Cal Blues Cup winners Barcelona, 1-0. As of right now, record wise, Barcelona is the best probably in California. Oh, well, we’ll worry about that on Sunday, I thought.. Saturday I saw Oregon beat up on Michigan and Tiger start a charge at the BMW championship, all in glorious, glorious most def Hi Def.

Saturday night I DVR’d the Cubs win over the Pie-rats with Carlos Zambrano pitching. There are three things that worry me now – I just thought of a fourth – about the Cubs: D. Lee’s ribs, “Fons’s thigh, the Cardinals and Zambo’s brain. Watching Carlos pitch is like watching a gasoline soaked three-year-old playing with matches. It is tense, it is entertaining but it can get ugly fast.

Sunday dawns a cool, beautiful day. The Hawks. Our girls seem more awake and fired up. Sure enough, we stage a break away and they foul our spark plug nicknamed Dynamo outside the penalty area. AC has a real long penalty kick. I mean long. Bam, that kick hit the top corner of the net and it was still rising when it went in. 1-0. It was amazing. Oh yes, she popped that rock into the onion bag. Here we tied a team yesterday we can normally beat short-handed and here we are hammering arguably the best team in the state.

Then our awesome goalie had a brain cramp. She picked up a ball out of the box. Penalty kick, goal, 1-1. At one point we had a breakaway that bounced back off the cross bar right one foot in front of the goal right on AC’s foot and she launched it over the top. Ahhhhhh.

So there you have it, two soccer ties, one awful, one great. Now it is on to the golf and Tiger flexes his muscles at the BMW. How much is the discussion of who is the greatest player ever in golf? Phil Mickelson is a great, hall of fame player. He has more Majors than Greg Norman and more tour wins than Lee Trevino. And he isn’t even close to as good as Tiger is.

And my Bears played here in town. Sadly, bad Rex showed. Good news is Antonio Gates, my Fantasy player, was awesome. Sadly he wasn’t awesome enough for me to overcome a guy who had a resurgent Randy Moss.