Friday, September 14, 2007

We gonna get sassy with our frassy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Welcome to the blog, or as we like to call it, “3:10 to Humor.”

Did you hear they are going to make a movie out of Britney Spears MTV performance? It’s called “3:10 to Coma.”

We kid the garden state
Prison officials had to use tear gas in a prison riot in New Jersey. Or as they call tear gas in New Jersey: air freshener.

Or something like that
Britney Spears was photographed in Las Vegas, once again, without panties. After her disastrous MTV performance, one has to assume Britney is desperately trying to snatch her career back.

Another weak “3:10 To Yuma” joke
Quentin Tarantino is thinking about making another Kill Bill sequel but this time with a western theme. It would be called “3:10 to Uma.”

Bad week
Britney Spears horrible week is getting worse. Today Britney was kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for not dressing sexy enough.

The New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was fined $500,000 for spying on the New York Jets. Is anyone surprised the Patriots cheat? They play in Gillette stadium. Of course they shave points.

Allegedly the alleged
O.J. Simpson has been questioned as an alleged suspect at an alleged theft at the Palace Casino in Las Vegas; as you know, OJ is also the alleged killer of his wife Nicole Brown and her friend, Ron Goldman, who are both allegedly dead.

I, uh, I did not know that
A second woman has said she was kicked off Southwest Airlines because she was dressed sexy. What hypocrites. Southwest Airlines is how hookers fly from L.A. to Las Vegas. In fact, there are so many hookers flying Southwest, for $100, you can have sex in the bathroom while the plane is still on the runway. It’s called the twenty-foot high club.

Since you asked:
So for about three days I noticed that Ann Caroline – who is nine – before she would walk into our kitchen, would stop and draw in a loud breath and then hold it, walk through the kitchen, cheeks puffed, and then, once outside, loudly exhale. Odd, I thought.

So finally I ask if something smelled bad that I wasn’t smelling? She said no. So on the fourth day, I asked Ann Caroline why she held her breath when she went through the kitchen.

“Because I don’t want to burn my lungs up.”

It turns out there was a story she heard that, when you make microwave popcorn, when you open the bag and inhale deeply to smell the steam, it can cause a lung injury called popcorn lung where the lungs get burned from the steam or from something in the popcorn that creates the buttery flavor. Ann Caroline thought the lungs got burned breathing when jsut walking next to the microwave.

Ann Caroline was greatly relieved to discover that she no longer had to hold her breath when walking past the microwave.

But a part of me secretly thought I should have not told her and see how long she would keep doing it.

In the words of the late, great Mitch Hedberg:

Dogs are always in the push up position.