They gotta knock that rock into the onion bag, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Slats and Nugs, do me a favor and hoist an adult beverage to one "Skinny" Vinny "Boom Batz" Abate. A friend and a former co-worker who was one of many, many good people who died on September 11th, 2001)

Not good
Britney Spears tried to make her comeback at the MTV Music Awards in Las Vegas; it didn’t go well. Britney looked so out-of-shape and lethargic she could have been an Oakland Raider.

Well, that was nice
In his latest videotape, Osama bin Laden criticized the Democrats for not stopping the war in Iraq. But Osama did give Hillary Clinton a nice compliment on her pink pants suit.

Not happy
A homeland security advisor said that Osama bin Laden was virtually impotent. Osama is virtually impotent? This is going to be bad news for his 72 virgins in paradise.

In his latest videotape, Osama bin Laden said he is not gay, he was just in the Minneapolis airport men’s room stall using a really wide stance.

It’s only fair
Now bathroom partier Larry Craig will resign. First he said he would resign, then he said he wouldn’t resign, now he says he will resign. But hey, a girl has a right to change her mind.

Now it looks like bathroom enthusiast Larry Craig will resign. He wants to spend more time using a wide stance in his family bathroom.

Now it looks like bathroom enthusiast Larry Craig will resign. Walker still denies he is gay but that is not what the rumors say. The gay rumors in Idaho say Walker put the boys in Boise.

Popular dude
Remember that sleazy North Carolina prosecutor, Mike Nifong, who lied and hid evidence in the Duke Lacrosse team rape trial? He went to jail for one day. One thing you do not want to be is a prosecuting attorney in jail. Talk about a full dance card.

What up?
Paris Hilton is suing Hallmark for using her likeness and her trademark expression; “That’s hot.” Upon hearing they were being sued for using Paris Hilton’s trademark expression, a confused Hallmark spokesman said; “But we never once used the word skank.”

Makes scents
There is a new Men’s cologne called Mustang. Mustang cologne is perfect for the man who wants to smell like a wild dirty horse that has been running around in the hot dessert.

Signs of Fall
Fall is beginning to creep into the air even in Los Angeles. For example, Britney Spears is running around not wearing her flannel panties.

And counting
Miss Teen South Carolina gave a speech at the MTV Video Music Awards. Thanks to Britney Spears, Miss Teen South Carolina was only the second stupidest person there.

Since you asked:

Let me just say wow, wow and a little bit more of some wow with a side of wow soup. What a great sports weekend. Let me ‘splain.

Saturday I saw my daughter’s first of two soccer games this weekend. The first one was supposed to be a tune up against a local team our girls normally beat 4-1. The girls were sleep walking and sure enough, the defenders and the goalie did a “I got it, you got it” routine and we were down 1-0. Bang, got one back and then it was on, we were constantly on attack without one ball in our half. The problem? Their goalie guessed right, their goalie made a great save, off the post, just over the cross bar. Everywhere but in. Hey, it happens. We tied 1-1.

(Notice when the girls get scored on I call them the girls, but when they win I say we? Sad? A little bit)

But now we are in trouble. The game Sunday is against a great, great team, the Temecula Hawks, who just barely lost to the So Cal Blues Cup winners Barcelona, 1-0. As of right now, record wise, Barcelona is the best probably in California. Oh, well, we’ll worry about that on Sunday, I thought.. Saturday I saw Oregon beat up on Michigan and Tiger start a charge at the BMW championship, all in glorious, glorious most def Hi Def.

Saturday night I DVR’d the Cubs win over the Pie-rats with Carlos Zambrano pitching. There are three things that worry me now – I just thought of a fourth – about the Cubs: D. Lee’s ribs, “Fons’s thigh, the Cardinals and Zambo’s brain. Watching Carlos pitch is like watching a gasoline soaked three-year-old playing with matches. It is tense, it is entertaining but it can get ugly fast.

Sunday dawns a cool, beautiful day. The Hawks. Our girls seem more awake and fired up. Sure enough, we stage a break away and they foul our spark plug nicknamed Dynamo outside the penalty area. AC has a real long penalty kick. I mean long. Bam, that kick hit the top corner of the net and it was still rising when it went in. 1-0. It was amazing. Oh yes, she popped that rock into the onion bag. Here we tied a team yesterday we can normally beat short-handed and here we are hammering arguably the best team in the state.

Then our awesome goalie had a brain cramp. She picked up a ball out of the box. Penalty kick, goal, 1-1. At one point we had a breakaway that bounced back off the cross bar right one foot in front of the goal right on AC’s foot and she launched it over the top. Ahhhhhh.

So there you have it, two soccer ties, one awful, one great. Now it is on to the golf and Tiger flexes his muscles at the BMW. How much is the discussion of who is the greatest player ever in golf? Phil Mickelson is a great, hall of fame player. He has more Majors than Greg Norman and more tour wins than Lee Trevino. And he isn’t even close to as good as Tiger is.

And my Bears played here in town. Sadly, bad Rex showed. Good news is Antonio Gates, my Fantasy player, was awesome. Sadly he wasn’t awesome enough for me to overcome a guy who had a resurgent Randy Moss.