Saturday, July 28, 2007

What it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Have you seen the YouTube clip of Beyonce falling down the stairs during an Orlando show? She popped right up and kept singing and dancing. This woman put the Bounce in Beyonce.

Breaking the hab it
Two weeks after completing rehab, Lindsay Lohan is back in. Notice how the celebrities are always going back to rehab? That’s why it’s not called Hab. You always have to Rehab.

Jake’s last request
In sad news, the 9/11-Katrina hero rescue black Labrador, Jake, passed away at 12. Jake’s owner is going to carry out Jake’s last wish and go inside Michael Vick’s house and urinate on the rug.

All but one
Just about all of Michael Vick’s sponsors are dropping Vick like he is hot. Well, except for one, but that Korean deli doesn’t pay much.

Michael Vick has been ordered by the Atlanta Falcons not to play football. Vick can’t play football at all. Kind of like the Oakland Raiders.

Michael Vick pleaded not guilty in court to dog fighting charges. This is going to be a tough trial. They may have to channel the late O.J. attorney, Johnny Cochran: “If they weren’t bit, you must acquit.”

How else are you going to drink Tang?
A new report reveals that NASA space shuttle astronauts flew drunk; you know you’re drunk when people can tell you’re drunk in zero gravity.

When you’re drunk in space nobody can hear you puke.

A new report reveals that NASA space shuttle astronauts flew drunk; this is not good news, but it does explain why that crazy astronaut Lisa Nowak drove all night in diaper. She was hammered.

From Chainsaw of 101.5, KGB's "Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw"
Why do you think they called the second astronaut on the moon “Buzz” Aldrin?

Now that is messed up
How about that NBA crooked referee scandal? To give you an idea how bad it got, this guy actually fixed games so much one time the New York Knicks almost won.

La Lohan
“Two and a Half Men” star Charlie Sheen expressed sympathy for Lindsay Lohan but said it isn’t hard to call a cab. It’s sad when Charlie Sheen has become the voice of reason.

Not good
A survey of Muslims by the Pew Research Centre reveals that Muslim support of terrorism and suicide bombing has dropped to a low of 34%. That’s good news? That’s like telling someone the good news is that 66% of the food they just ate was not deadly poison.

Nobody cares
In the Tour De France, the overall leader, Michael Rasmussen, was kicked off his own Rabobank team. Now even the teams in the Tour don’t care who wins the Tour.

Not even them
The NBA is in huge trouble over this Tim Donaghy-referee-fixing-games scandal. The popularity of the NBA is so bad even the player’s illegitimate children aren’t watching basketball anymore.

Bailing on Bonds
As of this writing, Barry Bonds is two balls away from breaking the all time home run record. In addition, due to steroid shrinkage, Bonds is two balls away from having two balls.

Barry Bonds’s ex- girlfriend, Kimberly Bell, is posing naked in “Playboy” Her turn on’s include strawberry margaritas and long walks on the beach, her turn offs are horribly shrunken testicles and grotesquely huge skulls.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Lay down the hunka hunka junka in the trunka, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
Man it has been hot. I’m sweating like Michael Vick at the Westminster Dog show.

Not good
Lindsay Lohan was reportedly extremely difficult and argumentative when she was arrested. Lindsay was so difficult, in addition to a DUI, she was charged with behaving like Rosie O’Donnell.

Feel good story
A tiny pet Chihuahua in Colorado got between a toddler and a rattlesnake and managed to fight off the rattler to save the little boy's life. The boy and the Chihuahua are fine. This is a truly touching story to everyone but Michael Vick. He had his money on the rattlesnake.

There was a record turnout for David Beckham’s soccer debut in Los Angeles. Did you see how skinny Beckham’s wife., Victoria, is? Man, forget Posh Spice, now she is “Would It Kill You To Eat a Sandwich?” Spice.

Yesterday in 776 AD was the first Olympic Games in Greece. Did you know they competed naked? It was great for everybody but the men’s high hurdles, that took an ugly turn.

Again, not good
The NFL’s Michael Vick is indicted for dog fighting, the NBA’s, Tim Donaghy is accused of fixing games he refereed and the leading team in the Tour De France was caught blood doping and Barry Bonds is under federal investigation for perjury. You know things are bad when the classiest act in pro sports is boxing’s Don King.

Imagine that?
Comic/Con is in San Diego. It is a huge convention for comic book lovers. It’s wild, the hookers get paid to play Dungeon and Dragons.

Again, again, not good
I’m not sure how serious the democratic debate with questions from YouTube was. Like that question for John Edwards: “When shampooing, is it rinse, lather and repeat or rinse, lather, rinse repeat?”

A White House spokesperson said that, after undergoing his colonoscopy and polyp removal, President Bush rode his mountain bike. Ouch. That’s like getting a nose job and then boxing three rounds.

Maybe this guy really is dumb. Who thinks, “I just had a huge colonoscopy and five polyps removed. What should I do now? I know, I’ll go ride a bike.”

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

We got a load of righteous beat down to drop, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who knew?
You wouldn’t believe what they found during President Bush’s colonoscopy: the weapons of mass destruction.

Cost efficient
President Bush’s colonoscopy was cost efficient, while they were in there, they also did a brain scan. Both tests were negative.

Get it?
The five polyps removed during President Bush’s colonoscopy were benign, which is a coincidence because Bush’s approval rating will soon be nine.

Ground breaking
Sadly, Tammy Faye Baker passed away. Her passing did cause a bit of undertaking history. It was the first time the mortician had to take makeup away.

Drew Carey is going to host “The Price is Right.” The negotiations were tough. Carey has to agree to get neutered.

Gof, without the L
After missing a putt to finish second in the British Open, Spaniard Sergio Garcia said he plays golf thinking and talking in English, not Spanish. Unfortunately he played on Sunday like he is Finnish.

More trouble for Vick
The NFL commissioner has banned Michael Vick from the Atlanta Falcons training camp for his dog fighting indictments. More bad news for Vick. It turns out some of the dogs tested positive for steroids.

Grow up
Hillary Clinton called Barack Obama irresponsible and naïve. And Barack accused Hillary of fabricating a controversy. And then Hillary said “I know you are, but what am I?” And Barack said Hillary had cooties times infinity. To which Hillary countered with infinity plus one

In the battle of the train wreck stars, it seems to be Lindsay Lohan ahead of Andy Dick, Britney Spears, Paula Abdul and David Hasselhof . How far ahead? Due to the cocaine they found, Lindsay is leading by a nose.

Since you asked:

Since you asked:

This blog is now an official piece of evidence in the upcoming trial of the case of my wife, Virginia, trying to “Gaslight” me.

For those not familiar with that term, the 1944 awesome movie “Gaslight” featured a diabolical Charles Boyer attempting to get rid of his wife, Ingrid Bergman, by slowly driving her insane. The gaslight was one of the key items he used. After she had turned it on, he would turn it off and tell her he didn’t touch it and vice versa.

Last night, we had tickets to see John Hiatt perform at “Humphrey’s By the Bay” in the wonderful combining of one of my favorite artists performing at one of my favorite venues. For a concert to get any better it would have to be Eric Clapton playing at Santa Barbara’s County Bowl and that is not going to happen. And if it did, I would be dead because I would have somebody shoot me afterwards.

So needless to say, I was excited about the John Hiatt show. (If you haven’t seen Hiatt, you should. If you don’t have one of his CDs, you should get it) What we do is meet friends on the grass in front of Humphrey’s right on San Diego Bay and eat dinner and drink wine and listen to the artist we are about to see on my iPod docking port portable speakers. It is really a great time.

To show how excited I was, I packed Virg’s Caesar salad and my roast beef sandwich and the wine hours before hand and had the nylon box cooler with wheels and a handle all ready to go with the cool Martha Stewart-ish roll up table and the beach chairs. Not to mention I made an iPod playlist of my favorite John Hiatt tunes. Virg got the tickets from our friend who waited in line all night to buy a large of tickets for a bunch of shows. (We are also going to see Huey Lewis and the News among others)

Now, I am not going to bring up that Virg was her usual thirty minutes late and she took an extra 15 minutes to get ready so we were already 45 minutes late. There we are, one exit from the exit we need to get there, Rosecrans, after fighting rush hour traffic all the way South on I5 from La Jolla through Pacific Beach for forty minutes, when Virg suddenly says;

“I forgot the tickets.”

Remember the boss police chief that Inspector Clouseau drove insane in “Shot in the Dark”? That was me at that moment. That or Dennis Leary dealing with his ex in “Rescue Me”.

Oh, you think I am kidding that my wife is trying to “Gaslight” me?

How about we flash back to the Albion Cup soccer tournament a couple of weeks ago. Now, I am not bringing this up simply so I can brag that Ann Caroline scored the winning goal in the championship Girls Under 9 Showcase (the best) bracket. No, I am bringing this up to say that I promised one of the girls on her team, Marissa, and her brother, Eric, a real and good harmonica after seeing them playing a piece of junk, plastic and tin one in their car.

These were from my extensive harmonica collection. Whenever I visit a new town I try to sneak into a great music store or an antique store- no, I am still not gay, not that there is a thing wrong with it – to find a cool, vintage harmonica. So I find an extra House of Blues key of C harmonica and a real good condition Lee Oscar harmonica in A to give them. (C and A are the two most common played keys as they correspond with G and E, the two most common guitar tunings).

So when I climb into the van, Saturday, to carpool with our friends, the Meyers, their daughter being Hannah or Dynamo as she is called in soccer, a perfect descriptive nickname because she is all over that field, I put the harmonicas in the van. Well, I forget them and leave them in the van for the first game. No problem, I will give the harmonicas to the brother and sister before the second game. Suddenly, after the first game, I climb in the van and the harmonicas aren’t in the van.

Must have left them at home was my thought, as the van had not been burgled. When we come home after the second game, I search the house. No harmonicas. The next morning before the Sunday games, I ask the Meyers if they are somewhere in their van. No harmonicas. This searching for and asking the Meyers goes on for two weeks. At this point, after suspecting our very good friends of playing a cruel joke on me to hide my harmonicas to surprise me with them later, like on my birthday, I am pretty sure I am losing my mind. Where could the harmonicas be?

After I tell our friends an abbreviated version of this last night while sipping wine after we flew home and fought traffic three times before the concert, Virg says, as flatly as you please;

“Oh, I put those harmonicas in your glove compartment.”

Huh? Wha? Virg claims, while driving back from the tournament on Saturday, I gave the harmonicas to her and told her I didn’t want to lose them. No. Why would I keep looking for something she told me she had? But that continues to be her story.

Virg said she told me she had them, but that I probably didn’t hear her. Or something like that, I wasn’t really listening.

No, Slats and Nugs, I am being gaslighted, and you are now witnesses.

Now, what was that other thing I was going to write about?

Monday, July 23, 2007

We gonna lay it down ‘til it play the sound, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
John McCain’s campaign is in trouble. Today McCain couldn’t get the endorsement of Michael Vick.

Vick is a . . .
Atlanta QB Michael Vick has been indicted on two felony counts of dog fighting including. accusations of Vick killing dogs. Nike cancelled the scheduled to launch of the new Vick shoe. I’m not sure what the shoe was called but it wasn’t the new Nike Air Dales.

Tres French
A French rider in the Tour De France struck a yellow Labrador and destroyed his front tire. The dog is fine and the French rider then promptly surrendered to the dog.

Comedian Dave Chapelle was admitted to a hospital for exhaustion. You never see marathon runners or Ironman triathletes hospitalized for exhaustion, its just celebrities. Those power lunches with agents must be grueling.

Get it?
A big part of the $660 million dollar settlement the Los Angeles Archdiocese paid to victims of priest sexual abuse were paid by an insurance policy. You know how Aflac insurance has a duck? The sex abuse insurance company has a goose.

That was quick
Al Gore is under attack for serving an endangered species, sea bass, at his daughter’s wedding; this just in, after Al Gore’s last meal, Corn Dogs have been declared an endangered species.

In the Emmy nominated HBO show “Entourage” they’re making the movie “Medellin.” To which an NBC exec asked HBO; “What the heck is that?” “Medellin is a drug cartel” HBO replied. “No”, said the NBC exec; “What’s an Emmy?”

Since you asked:
As soo many lok up too me as a purfreshnal righter, it is inqumbaanant up on me to try and right as gooder as possabul.

But when I wrote a Michael Vick joke about dog fighting in LA is really just two Chihuahuas viciously gossiping, it took me ten times to finally spell Chihuahua just horribly enough so that spell check could finally offer the right one.

And people really do pay me money for my writing.

Man, that is sweet.