Saturday, July 28, 2007

What it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Have you seen the YouTube clip of Beyonce falling down the stairs during an Orlando show? She popped right up and kept singing and dancing. This woman put the Bounce in Beyonce.

Breaking the hab it
Two weeks after completing rehab, Lindsay Lohan is back in. Notice how the celebrities are always going back to rehab? That’s why it’s not called Hab. You always have to Rehab.

Jake’s last request
In sad news, the 9/11-Katrina hero rescue black Labrador, Jake, passed away at 12. Jake’s owner is going to carry out Jake’s last wish and go inside Michael Vick’s house and urinate on the rug.

All but one
Just about all of Michael Vick’s sponsors are dropping Vick like he is hot. Well, except for one, but that Korean deli doesn’t pay much.

Michael Vick has been ordered by the Atlanta Falcons not to play football. Vick can’t play football at all. Kind of like the Oakland Raiders.

Michael Vick pleaded not guilty in court to dog fighting charges. This is going to be a tough trial. They may have to channel the late O.J. attorney, Johnny Cochran: “If they weren’t bit, you must acquit.”

How else are you going to drink Tang?
A new report reveals that NASA space shuttle astronauts flew drunk; you know you’re drunk when people can tell you’re drunk in zero gravity.

When you’re drunk in space nobody can hear you puke.

A new report reveals that NASA space shuttle astronauts flew drunk; this is not good news, but it does explain why that crazy astronaut Lisa Nowak drove all night in diaper. She was hammered.

From Chainsaw of 101.5, KGB's "Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw"
Why do you think they called the second astronaut on the moon “Buzz” Aldrin?

Now that is messed up
How about that NBA crooked referee scandal? To give you an idea how bad it got, this guy actually fixed games so much one time the New York Knicks almost won.

La Lohan
“Two and a Half Men” star Charlie Sheen expressed sympathy for Lindsay Lohan but said it isn’t hard to call a cab. It’s sad when Charlie Sheen has become the voice of reason.

Not good
A survey of Muslims by the Pew Research Centre reveals that Muslim support of terrorism and suicide bombing has dropped to a low of 34%. That’s good news? That’s like telling someone the good news is that 66% of the food they just ate was not deadly poison.

Nobody cares
In the Tour De France, the overall leader, Michael Rasmussen, was kicked off his own Rabobank team. Now even the teams in the Tour don’t care who wins the Tour.

Not even them
The NBA is in huge trouble over this Tim Donaghy-referee-fixing-games scandal. The popularity of the NBA is so bad even the player’s illegitimate children aren’t watching basketball anymore.

Bailing on Bonds
As of this writing, Barry Bonds is two balls away from breaking the all time home run record. In addition, due to steroid shrinkage, Bonds is two balls away from having two balls.

Barry Bonds’s ex- girlfriend, Kimberly Bell, is posing naked in “Playboy” Her turn on’s include strawberry margaritas and long walks on the beach, her turn offs are horribly shrunken testicles and grotesquely huge skulls.