Saturday, July 21, 2007

Bonds, schmonds.

Lots of people ask me, Lex, how do you feel about Barry Bonds getting the home run record? Well, a lot if you consider nobody a lot.

Other than the fact that it will make my friend and wildly loyal San Francisco Giant fan and brilliant sports joke writer, Janice Hough, happy, I would have to care a whole lot more to not give a crap.

One of the most inane things you can argue about is trying to compare athletes of different eras. Bruce Jenner scored a lot more points than Rafer Johnson in the Decathlon but, as a person, as an athlete and because he cheated with steroids, Jenner doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as the great Rafer Johnson.

Technical, nutritional, training advances equal out. The swimming coach of my New Trier East high school, Dave Robertson – who will be immortalized as the target of the Baby Ruth-in-the-pool-retrieved-in-the-mouth prank copied by “Caddy Shack” is in the swimming hall of fame because he took a high school swim team and entered them in the AAU Nationals against the country’s best swim clubs and college teams, including swimming powerhouses UCLA and USC and they finished third. Why? Because he was the first person to apply interval training to swimming. Prior to that if you swam the mile, you swam a mile as fast as you could.

When other swim teams started using intervals the gap narrowed.

The only other good thing that could come out of Bonds passing Hank Aaron’s record is that Hank Aaron will get more of the attention and recognition he so richly deserves. When Aaron started out in baseball, he had to eat and sleep away from the team. Not for the reason Bonds does, because Bonds is a world class jerk, but because there was segregation.

When Hank was hammerin’, pitchers threw at players for hitting home runs. That doesn’t happen now.

No, as far as I am concerned, Barry Bonds is simply the lying cheater who was the second person to break Babe Ruth’s record. Hank Aaron will always be the first.

Now when Ken Griffey Jr and or Alex Rodriguez breaks the record, that will be something.

But give the devil his due. With it looking more and more like the grand jury will indict Barry Bonds for perjury and that means Bonds will do time, Barry is probably going to be the convict with the most home runs.
For the Vick sick

Anyone who – due to the sickeningly ugly sports news lately - needs a dog love fix, they need look no further than the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band song “Mr. Bojangles.”

“He spoke through tears of fifteen years how his dog and him traveled about”

“His dog up and died. He up and died. After twenty years he still grieves.”

One time, Wrigley, our beloved hound-doggy looking white-yellow lab, chewed up a chunk of oriental carpet and I lost my mind. I went crazy. Crazy. I grabbed Wrigley by the collar and screamed “Get out!” and practically hurled him out the door to the backyard.

The scared, bewildered and deeply hurt look in Wrigley's eyes when I did that is something I will never, ever, forgive myself for. I didn’t hit him. I didn’t hurt him. I just severely freightened him. And it was awful.

Each and every night when Wrigley is lying on his back - on our since-replaced oriental rug - and he is grunting and cooing from all the tummy rubs and ear scratches and muzzle nuzzlings he is getting, I silently ask a higher source for forgiveness for that one lapse in temper that caused a sweet animal to get so upset.

How on earth is god ever going to forgive Michael Vick?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The trick with Vick

Yes, I will admit that the stomach sickening evidence of dog cruelty in the Michael Vick case had me screaming for Vick’s head like every other dog lover and decent human being. Kick him out of the sport and ruin his life via the press.

But isn’t that exactly what happened to the Duke Lacrosse team?

At the start of the Duke Lacrosse team rape charges, I said that the vastly differing reactions had more to do with the people having them than they did with the facts at hand. White conservative racists immediately disregarded the word of a poor black stripper, the multi-colored liberal racists wanted the rich white boys to fry simply because they were rich white boys.

Granted, the two cases couldn’t be more different. Instead of the word of a mentally unstable, drug-addled hooker versus the word of college athletes, with Vick we have dead dogs and sworn testimony from eye witnesses as well as dog fighting gear.

Does anyone else wonder about the strange vacuum of silence that is coming from those famous publicity whore extortionists Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Gloria Allred on the Michael Vick indictments? Usually when a case develops that encompasses sports, a trial and huge publicity, ala Duke Lacrosse, those hypocrites are the first ones to whore themselves out in the press.

What was Sharpton’s excuse for crucifying a group of college kids in the press? He said he thought the DA would not have charged them with such a serious charge without dead solid evidence, so they must be guilty. Well, as Sharpton is with most things, he was wrong. Granted, the chances that the DA in the Vick case will be another evil, lying, greedy publicity slut moron like Mike Nifong are pretty slim.

But we shouldn’t make the same mistakes we made before with the Duke Lacrosse team. There is a chance – albeit a small one – that Vick is as clueless as he claims to be. All of the testimony could be lies. Until we know for sure, let Vick keep his job in the NFL. Sponsors should not drop him. The press should not try him.

But if Vick cops a plea or is found guilty, that guy should fry, fry, fry.
We gonna take down the break down up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Atlanta QB Michael Vick has been indicted on two felony counts of dog fighting including accusations of Vick killing eight dogs. On the bright side, Vick just landed a Chinese food endorsement.

Atlanta QB Michael Vick has been indicted on two felony counts of dog fighting including accusations of Vick killing dogs. Michael Vick’s publicist is hosed. Vick’s publicist is going to have to dump Vick and find a client with a better image: like, Osama bin Laden, for example.

People are shocked that Nike hasn't dumped Vick. They shouldn't be. It wasn't that long ago that shoemakers made shoes out of dog skin.

The NFL has announced that Michael Vick can still play despite the dog fighting and killing indictments. Apparently the NFL stands for No Fido League.

Congressman David Vitter admitted he hired prostitutes but he denied the prostitute’s claim that he asked her to put him in a diaper. You know a congressman is having a bad week when simply being caught with a hooker is the second most embarrassing thing to happen to him.

Congressman David Vitter admitted he hired prostitutes but he denied the prostitute’s claim that he asked her to put him in a diaper. That’s a tough one, who do you believe? The hooker or the politician?

A British explorer became the first man to swim the waters at the North Pole. He also became the first man to emerge from the water without his North Pole.

The 51-year-old wife of former Cincinnati Bengal lineman Tim Dinkel, Jeni Lee Dinkel, admitted to having sex with a 15-year old boy at a wild party. Apparently the sex occurred during a rousing game of Pin-the-tail-of-the-Dinkel.

Since you asked, Vick version:
In a country which happily spends over 40 billion a year on its pets, Atlanta Falcon moron Michael Vick could not be more deservedly screwed. This guy is going to fry like nobody who didn't kill somebody has ever fried before.

From goldfish owners to horse breeders, it is impossible to measure the depth of feelings and love Americans have for their pets and vice versa. Sadly, in many cases, the love for their pets surpasses their feelings for their family.

It is also impossible to measure the damage Michael Vick has caused himself in the American public’s eye. Vick could have been caught wearing a diaper so he could drive all night and smoke crack to have sex with a mentally challenged transvestite and he could have recovered.

A while ago there were two items in the news, one was a particularly horrific murder and the other was a road rage case where a guy threw a woman’s puppy into traffic. The letters were one hundred thousand to one for the woman and her dog over the dead human.

Pit bulls should be illegal, but pit bulls are dogs and all dogs, bred to kill or not, are capable of amazing emotional intelligence and love. To do what Vick did to these dogs is beyond cruel. It is so great to me that Clinton Portis came out in support of Vick. That clears up any questions I had as a Fantasy Football owner about Clinton Portis. Anyone that stupid is going to repeat that stupidity and ruin his image and career.

Many could not comprehend the capacity for pure evil al Qaeda had until they saw the al Qaeda video clip of the puppy Labrador slowly being poisoned to death. These people are far beneath the animals that they torture. Far beneath. And they deserve what they get. And what they are going to get is not good.

On a lighter note:

You simply will not believe where my precious daughter has been the past two weeks. Training for the Taliban? More likely. Painting “Go Mets” posters? I could stand that. Learning to play the accordion? It’s even more annoying than that.

Ann Caroline Kaseberg has spent the past two weeks at a French summer camp. (Pause while my readers double check to see if they have the right blog)

No lie. And she loves it. And the French teachers have been wonderful to her. (Pause while my readers call 911 to send me an ambulance)

But the other day I was driving AC and her great and adorable friend, Hannah, to their French camp when I asked them if they have any real French kids in their class.

“Yes!” came the loud and exasperated sounding answer in unison.

“Are they nice?” I asked.

“No.” Came the even louder and in more precisely in unison answer.

Sniff. I’m so proud.

Speaking of which, check out your boy Home Cookin’ at "Newsday."

Google Newsday, click on Opinions and then punchlines.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Stake it, take it and rake it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy Birthday to fitness guru Richard Simmons, last week he turned 59. And his nasty red and white striped shorty shorts turned 46.

Go Cubs
The resurgent Chicago Cubs beat San Francisco, 3-2, despite the strong pitching of 23-year-old baby-faced Giant pitcher Tim Lincecum. Lincecum looks so young, three times when he tried to take the mound, security told him; “Get out of her, punk.”

How cold is he?
Barry Bonds did not play in his team’s last game due to a horrible 0-20 slump. To give you an idea how cold Bonds is, before he could inject them, the steroids froze in the syringe.

Oui kid the French
In Washington, DC, a gun-wielding hooded thief broke into a dinner party, was served wine, put the gun away, took of his hood, gave everyone a hug and left without incident. What kind of wine makes somebody put their gun down and walk away? French wine.

Nil nil?
David Beckham was introduced last week as a member of the Los Angeles Galaxy. Beckham will bring awareness to soccer in America. For example, we will finally know why so many soccer games end one nil, two nil and three nil. And who is this team Nil and why do they lose so much?

To me anyway
The State of California is considering an 8% tax on pornography. 8%? That sounds a little stiff.

Typical politicians. They can’t stand to see someone get screwed without cashing in on it.

Fierce debate
The democrats will participate in an all gay debate. All the questions will be gay questions. The first gay question?; “Oh, snap, you are so not wearing that tired ol’ pants suit, are you, Hillary? That is so last nightmare.”