Stake it, take it and rake it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Eww
Happy Birthday to fitness guru Richard Simmons, last week he turned 59. And his nasty red and white striped shorty shorts turned 46.

Go Cubs
The resurgent Chicago Cubs beat San Francisco, 3-2, despite the strong pitching of 23-year-old baby-faced Giant pitcher Tim Lincecum. Lincecum looks so young, three times when he tried to take the mound, security told him; “Get out of her, punk.”

How cold is he?
Barry Bonds did not play in his team’s last game due to a horrible 0-20 slump. To give you an idea how cold Bonds is, before he could inject them, the steroids froze in the syringe.

Oui kid the French
In Washington, DC, a gun-wielding hooded thief broke into a dinner party, was served wine, put the gun away, took of his hood, gave everyone a hug and left without incident. What kind of wine makes somebody put their gun down and walk away? French wine.

Nil nil?
David Beckham was introduced last week as a member of the Los Angeles Galaxy. Beckham will bring awareness to soccer in America. For example, we will finally know why so many soccer games end one nil, two nil and three nil. And who is this team Nil and why do they lose so much?

To me anyway
The State of California is considering an 8% tax on pornography. 8%? That sounds a little stiff.

Typical politicians. They can’t stand to see someone get screwed without cashing in on it.

Fierce debate
The democrats will participate in an all gay debate. All the questions will be gay questions. The first gay question?; “Oh, snap, you are so not wearing that tired ol’ pants suit, are you, Hillary? That is so last nightmare.”