Saturday, May 12, 2007

Saturday Morning Caffeine-Fueled Rant

Does everyone have these cashiers at their grocery store?

There is the overly helpful cashier. She is the older, perky bottle blonde lady who asks customers too many questions and then goes and runs around all the aisles trying to help find whatever they couldn’t find. She is a nice lady but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t piss me off. “I knew I would find that Hungarian Ox tail butter sauce.”

Then there is the serious Asian American lady who is so intense because it is her job to make sure that, as soon as you type in your phone number for your club card, she hits a button to wipe it out and you have to do it all over again. Sometimes, on a good day, she can make you type it in four times.

And of course there is Madam Sherlock Holmes. She is the one who is compelled to look at your items and divine out loud what it is you’re doing that night. “Oh, charcoal, tequila, chicken, avocados, tortillas, salsa, limes, chips, cilantro, ice. Having a little Mexican barbeque tonight are we?” One of these days I am going to buy rope, a hacksaw, a big knife, a burlap bag, a shovel, top soil, and a cigar and a bottle of champagne. “Oh, planning to off the wife tonight?”

And there is the busy body cashier. Ours happens to be a guy. One time I was buying Tums and a bottle of wine. He actually said; “You know if you didn’t drink the wine you probably wouldn’t need the Tums.” It took all that I had not reply; “If you had gone to college, you wouldn’t be working a dead-end job dealing with a surly public reminding you to mind your own business.”

And the just-promoted-stock boy cashier. He is a serial multiple swiper. He swipes and he swipes and he swipes and it won’t take. And because he knows not one price of anything, he then has to ask all the cashiers in a loud voice; “How much for Preparation H? No, not the ointment, the suppositories.” “They're for my wife” I inform the folks in line with a forced smile.

And there is the dumb girl/guy. They are basically the same as the A-Hole characters who smack their gum and have a Valley Girl accent on “Saturday Night Live.” As I only buy “Time” when it looks interesting, she picked up an issue and asked; “Who’s thaaaat?” “President Bush” I replied. “He looks like a rabbit.” OK, I made up the rabbit part, but she did ask who President Bush was.

And then there is the younger cousin of Sherlock Holmes Lady. She is the overly-inquisitive girl. This is a story that I’ve told many times. My wife was very pregnant and sent me out to get an electronic breast pump at Rite Aid. As it happened a lot during her pregnancy, I was tired and grumpy. With a long line in back of me, Overly-inquisitive girl picked up the Breast Pump and actually asked;

“Oh, is somebody pregnant?” And, in my grumpy state, I replied;

“No, it’s for me, I am just a really lonely guy. Toss in a “Penthouse” magazine and a six pack and let’s make it a night to remember.”

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?
Oh, hell to the no, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How perfect is it she is named Paris?
Paris Hilton is facing 45 days in jail. There was an awkward moment when Paris’s attorney tried to explain to Paris she faced incarceration, Paris said; “Why, is my car sick?”

Side effect
While they are at it
Lawmakers in Massachusetts have passed a law that requires dogs to wear a seatbelt in the car. In addition, they passed a law that makes it illegal for dogs to smoke when playing poker.

Mommy Day
Mother’s Day is this weekend. You want to give Mom a gift she won’t stop talking about? Give her a Dustbuster, she’ll complain about it for the rest of her life.

Come again?
Rep. Presidential candidate Duncan Hunter revealed he drives a Chevy Suburban with 274,000 miles on it. Upon hearing this, shocked people asked; “Who the hell is Duncan Hunter?”

Record breaker
Paris Hilton is facing 45-days of jail; online celebrity news sites have featured polls if their readers think Paris should go to jail and they have averaged 94% yes. This breaks the old record set when the poll asked if shooting a nail gun at a blind orphan was bad. That was 80% yes.

Since you asked:
Women are very competitive when it comes to their kids and this includes my wife, Virginia. Of this I was reminded as I had to try and carry Ann Caroline’s book-report project model home from school yesterday. Her book report was on “Heidi” and she and Virg made a landscape complete with a plastic, craggy grey mountain in the middle of it the size of Barry Bonds’s head.

It brought back memories of the weekend picture book when Ann Caroline was in pre-school. The idea was you took the book home and, using photographs and captions, illustrated what a typical weekend was like at your house.

The first few entrants were very matter-of-fact and honest. Here we are petting the dog. Making breakfast. Playing in the yard. Then competition reared its ugly head. The next entrant had people over for dinner and an arts and crafts project. The next few entrants had trips to Sea World, Legoland and the Zoo. It became very clear that the game was now beat the entrant before you. So my suggestion of a collage of "Daddy drinks booze and watches sports while lying on the couch" was more than just a little out.

So when we got the “Weekend” book it was on. Oh my word. Our segment looked like a combination beer and tampon commercial. Here we are on a big bike ride around a beautiful lake; a cookout on the beach; a “spontaneous barbeque” with ten friends; donating blood at the Red Cross; making balloon animals at Children’s hospital. It was ridiculous. Brad and Angelina aren’t as busy as we were.

After the weekend book was finished I got to see the entrants after ours. Oh my word, again. Let’s just say I think the final segment had the entire family flying to Darfur to donate a kidney to an orphan.

Since you asked, tu:
Got my first really expensive mail-order steak and I am going to try it tonight. A bone-in ribeye. In fact, I am planning my evening around it: First a hard work out to build up an appetite and then I am going to old school that sucker: garlic, fresh ground pepper, kosher salt rub. Sear on Roasting Ruby the Weber (My beloved Blazing Bessie the aluminum gas grill will sit this one out) with lump charcoal, then brush good olive oil and finish with the lid on.

Sautee some sweet onions, roast a garlic for the roasted garlic, butter/mustard sauce and bake a Yukon gold. Red wine and the DVR’d Cubbies while dining. (AC and Virg are otherwise engaged)

If this steak doesn’t taste amazing, I want somebody’s tookus in my totebag.

Friday, May 11, 2007

We up on a hill and in they grill, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mon ami
Did you see “American Idol” last Tuesday night? What was the deal with Blake’s hair? Was his Dad Pepi Le Pew?

Former President Bill Clinton wrote a crossword puzzle for the New York Times. And you won’t believe what he has for 69 down.

“No Honey, covering up a deceitful act, that’s called a snow job.”

Former President Bill Clinton wrote a crossword puzzle for the New York Times. “No, honey, a seven letter word for device used to torture and humiliate is Pillory, not Hillary.”

Sir old guy
The Royal couple is in the United States and they visited the Kentucky Derby.. I don’t want to say Prince Phillip is old, but when asked what he wears under his kilt, he replied; “Depends.”

Corsage time
It is high school prom time again. This can be a painful time for high school boys. It hurts to be rejected by a women, especially when she isn’t even the hottest teacher you have.

Its prom time again. To be blunt, I have horrible prom memories. My date dumped me for an old effeminate looking gun wielding music producer.

Its prom time again. To be blunt, I have horrible prom memories. My date dumped me to marry a gay New Jersey governor.

Proper jail etiquette
Paris Hilton is going to jail for 45 days. This is serious, Paris even called Martha Stewart to ask whether you send a handwritten or typed “Get Well” card after you shiv a snitch.

Buck up, Sir
There was an awkward moment when Queen Elizabeth was in the White House. The Queen overheard Bush’s advisor say; “I know you’re disappointed, Sir, but you have to meet her even if she isn’t the mother of Fiona.”

There was an awkward moment when Queen Elizabeth was in the White House. President Bush told her royal majesty; “You know we have a Queen. His name is Richard Simmons.”

France pants
France elected conservative, Nicolas Sarkozy, President, because he promises to make France more productive by working harder. So what’s the first thing Sarkozy does? He takes a vacation on a yacht. It’s too bad the French don’t have a sense of humor, they would crack themselves up.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Lex’s influential summer movies

1969 “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” I am dating myself here – as I would do numerous times later in puberty imagining the “keep goin' teacher lady” scene.

1972. As I had just come back from canoe trips at a summer camp in Michigan, I demanded that my parents take me to see “Deliverance” despite their apprehension and worried looks. To this day I cannot hear a pig squeal without tearing the scar tissue of my damaged psyche.

1973 in “Live and Let Die” my first Bond-without-Connery adequately prepares me for a life filled with things that are not as good as they used to be. But who cares? The waitress from my best friend’s Wisconsin lake club dining hall let me get to second.

1975. “Jaws.” Why was a high school boy traveling on his own in California for a Junior National Decathlon meet legally allowed to see this movie by himself? Especially when it was my first time at the Ocean in Santa Barbara. I managed to talk myself into the ocean by convincing myself it was just a movie and there was no real threat. When I got back home to Chicago a story broke about the Santa Barbara surfer who barely survived being half-swallowed by a great white shark. I couldn’t go in Lake Michigan for a year.

1980 “The Shining.” Back in Santa Barbara for college. What is it about movies in Santa Barbara that scare the crap out of me? My buddy wanted to leave the theater he was so scared. Redrum, redrum. Do you know what that spells in a mirror? What evil genius thought that one through?

1983 “Terms of Endearment” This was in the Fall in New York City. My first experience with the new, uh, herb. Zowow. It took me three city blocks to figure out how to put my jacket on. Somehow we ended up at a Upper Westside party and I left with a pretty redhead - no, not Hondo's sister - and spent the night at her Soho loft. All in all a good night.

1984 "Ghostbusters." Saw this in New York first with my buddies, Woody and Hondo then again with my then girlfriend. As was our custom, we snuck two sandwiches and two oil can Fosters for my cheapskate version of dinner and a movie. I was shocked and annoyed to discover that she ordered tuna fish. It stunk up the whole place. It made us feel cool that this was filmed in New York. The Central Park scenes were a couple blocks from Hondo's apartment.

1986 "Top Gun" Happy to be back in California starting over as a stock broker in La Jolla. As I was new in town, the only people I knew well enough to go with me were busy, so I went by myself. No big deal, I did that a lot in New York. Of course the owner of the coolest restaurant - it still is - in La Jolla, "George's at the Cove" one of the few people I had met, George, was there and so were half the women from my new office. Oh well. Who cares? I was so glad to be out of New York and back in California. And this was filmed right here in San Diego. Later we all went to the Kansas City Barbeque place where the "Great balls of fire" scene was filmed.

1987 "Lethal Weapon" Went with my only married friends and my then girlfriend, and I remember starting to think that these married friends might be a little on the shallow and cheap side as they, once again, conveniently forgot their money when it was time to pay for the tickets. It turns out I was wrong, they weren't a little on the cheap and shallow side, they were wildly selfish and deviously greedy. This con would be repeated at bars and restaurants all over San Diego until everyone got sick of it and they had to find new people to constantly screw-over. They are since divorced, of course.

1990 "Dances with Wolves" Ah, what a great popcorn movie. Who knew then it was self-indulgent and way, way too long?

1992 "Last of the Mohicans." It may as well have been titled "Last Time Lex Really Enjoys Going to the Movies." What doesn't this movie have? Great drama, great love scene, great battles, great soundtrack, great fort - I am goofy about forts since my Daniel Boone days. Plus it was my first movie as an about to be married dude. Shout out to Scoots.

1997 "Titanic." This was memorable not because of the movie, but because it was my lovely and then pregnant wife and my last movie together before we had Miss Wonderful, Ann Caroline, aka, Stinkerbell, aka, Miss Thing, aka, A.C., aka, Stompy the wonder Chimp. Hard to believe.

A few years before this, going to the movies started to truly suck as theaters got smaller and they started playing far too many commericials. Then, as your all know, came cell phones and the proliferation of loud,rude and selfish a-holes and suddenly going to a movie held all the charm of attending an insurance seminar hungover.

Ah, but, to this day, the power chords to Paul McCartney's "Live and Let Die" bring back sweet memories of the hot dewey Wisconsin air, the feint wiff of the Newport she smoked before the movie, strawberry lip balm and a bra that snapped in front.

But that is the beauty of a great summer blockbuster. It can get you sixteen in your head again.

Without all the homework. Not that I did any anyway.

(polite applause)

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

You gotta taunt it, flaunt it, and want it up in this here this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Cracking down
The New York Yankees have signed 44-year-old pitcher, Roger Clemons, for $28 million. Wow, I guess the Bush administration really is cracking down on illegal Cuban immigration.

Clemens claims the deal is not about the money. And he’s right, it’s about what the money can buy.

Not in a New York State of mind
Three New York lawmakers want to make it illegal for teams to incorrectly call themselves from New York. From now on, teams just named New York would have to named for where they play. So that means their NFL teams would be the New Jersey Jets and Giants, their baseball teams would be the Long Island Mets and the Bronx Yankees, and their NBA team would be called the Last Place Knicks.

Explain that
A study reveals that exercise increases brain cells and memory. If that is true, how come runners who have entered their second marathon couldn’t remember the agony of the first one?

New stolen segment:
It is time for a new segment on A.L.B.b. whose concept we outright stole from “Saturday Night Live” Weekend Update segment titled: “Really?!?” (Apologies to my dawgs, Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler and a shout out to my buddy Mark Snake for one of the jokes)

A woman testified that music legend Phil Spector held an Uzi on her, turned demonic and then they had, quote, “icky sex.” Really?!? Have you seen Phil? Even without being demonic and without wielding a gun, was she surprised sex with Spector would be icky? Really?!? The guy looks like David Spade’s insane tranny uncle.

Here’s my question: Lady, after a guy who looks like Joan Rivers pulls a machine gun on you and becomes possessed, did you really think the sex would be good? Really?!? But ya' did him anyway? Really?!?

Phil Spector gets off on pointing guns at women. Really?!? If they aren’t careful, this trial could get weird. Really?!?

But don’t worry about anything, Phil. OJ Simpson and Robert Blake have proven you won’t go to prison. Unless, of course you hitched a ride with Paris Hilton. Really?!?

How psycho does Phil Spector have to be when, in a time when Michael Jackson and Boy George have been charged by police, Phil Spector is the weirdest guy in the music business?


Paris in springtime
For violating her drunk driving parole, L.A. prosecutors will send Paris Hilton to jail for 45 days. Paris Hilton’s lawyers will appeal. This marks the first time the words Paris Hilton and appeal have appeared together.

For twice violating her drunk driving parole, Paris Hilton is going to jail for 45 days. In a related story, the new “Free Paris” t-shirts are officially the worst selling garment in history.

Los Angeles Dodgers defeated the Florida Marlins behind starter Brad Penny’s 14-strike outing, despite the fact a sports page photo reveals Penny’s fly was wide open. And you thought soccer players flopped?

Makes sense
After Paris Hilton blamed her publicist, Elliot Mintz, for Paris breaking her drunk driving parole and being sentenced to 45 days in jail, Paris fired Mintz but then quickly rehired him. Paris figured that simply being the publicist of an untalented diva bitch was punishment enough.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Sometimes I think I’m the only cab on the road, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Darby Day
Have you placed your bets for the Kentucky Derby? I have a hot tip: put all your money on D.C. Madam. I here she is going to destroy everyone.

Happy feliz
Cinco De Mayo was Saturday. For those who don’t know, Cinco De Mayo is Spanish for Gas Prices Suck.

Now that’s drunk
David Hasselhof’s family released a video of the former “Baywatch” star on the floor too drunk to eat a hamburger. To give you an idea just how drunk Hasselhof was, his shirt was off and he forgot to suck in his gut.

L.A. prosecutors want to send Paris Hilton to jail for 45 days for violating her drunk driving charge. We like making jokes, but can you imagine poor little Paris at the mercy of some really mean, tall, brunette woman jail guard? Huh? Oh, sorry, I got lost for a second there.

Donald Trump has come out with a line of meat. And what could be more appetizing than food from a bloated, rapidly-aging egomaniac with a bad comb-over?

Well, there is an exception
The Kentucky Derby is Saturday. Last year’s winner Barbaro, proved that America can fall in love with a big strong animal with a huge head. Well, except for Barry Bonds.

Now that is tense
A Washington DC Madam is going to disclose all the congressmen who hired her prostitutes. Things are so tense at Capital Hill, congressmen are actually forgetting to pick up their bribes.

Sign me up
Drew Barrymore is on the cover of “People” magazine’s sexiest issue. Drew Barrymore once said she wished she could make love to herself so she could see how she was as a lover. That’s one romantic comedy guys would go see.

Since you asked:
As I have mentioned, one of my favorite things to do in the early gloaming is to pour a glass of wine, crack some pasticcios, flip on the “Food Network” sirens Rachel Ray and Giadi DeLaurentis and make crude, oafish sexual double-entendres at their cooking tips in my best “Caddy Shack” Bill Murray character Carl Spackler “I got a salami I gotta hide” voice.

“Oh yeah? I’ll heat up your sauce. I got some meat for ya. You can scramble my eggs.”

There I was watching the cleavage jiggling Giadi grinding some pepper (You can grind my pepper), when I suddenly hit a rare cold streak. Nothing. No thoughts. And then, finally the dish was finished, Giadi took a forkful, and looked right at the camera with her “I can do things in bed you can’t even pronounce” smile and said;

“It’s hot so blow on it.”

Blinking in shock, I yelled out in frustration:

“It isn’t fun if you aren’t going to make me try!”

Derby tip. Don't bet on a horse with the name Elmers in it.

They're trying

Blogger/ Google or Bloggle as I call them are trying. Bless their hearts, they are trying to drive me out of my mind. Today I logged on to Blogger via my Google account and it suddenly forgot my name and password again. When I typed them in, they didn't acknowledge them. Two hours of cyber hell later, somehow I got back in. Once again, Cookies were a factor for some reason.

But they won't drive me out of my mind. Will they? What's that? Oh, Doorgon, the non-violent voice in my head says to remind the goats herding on Malgatrollis to carry the severed unicorn heads to the temple of Trollgus for the annual Clagging of the snorfullus.

Hmmm hmmm hmm hhhmm hah hah hahhhh hahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah