You gotta taunt it, flaunt it, and want it up in this here this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Cracking down
The New York Yankees have signed 44-year-old pitcher, Roger Clemons, for $28 million. Wow, I guess the Bush administration really is cracking down on illegal Cuban immigration.

Clemens claims the deal is not about the money. And he’s right, it’s about what the money can buy.

Not in a New York State of mind
Three New York lawmakers want to make it illegal for teams to incorrectly call themselves from New York. From now on, teams just named New York would have to named for where they play. So that means their NFL teams would be the New Jersey Jets and Giants, their baseball teams would be the Long Island Mets and the Bronx Yankees, and their NBA team would be called the Last Place Knicks.

Explain that
A study reveals that exercise increases brain cells and memory. If that is true, how come runners who have entered their second marathon couldn’t remember the agony of the first one?


New stolen segment:
It is time for a new segment on A.L.B.b. whose concept we outright stole from “Saturday Night Live” Weekend Update segment titled: “Really?!?” (Apologies to my dawgs, Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler and a shout out to my buddy Mark Snake for one of the jokes)

A woman testified that music legend Phil Spector held an Uzi on her, turned demonic and then they had, quote, “icky sex.” Really?!? Have you seen Phil? Even without being demonic and without wielding a gun, was she surprised sex with Spector would be icky? Really?!? The guy looks like David Spade’s insane tranny uncle.

Here’s my question: Lady, after a guy who looks like Joan Rivers pulls a machine gun on you and becomes possessed, did you really think the sex would be good? Really?!? But ya' did him anyway? Really?!?

Phil Spector gets off on pointing guns at women. Really?!? If they aren’t careful, this trial could get weird. Really?!?

But don’t worry about anything, Phil. OJ Simpson and Robert Blake have proven you won’t go to prison. Unless, of course you hitched a ride with Paris Hilton. Really?!?

How psycho does Phil Spector have to be when, in a time when Michael Jackson and Boy George have been charged by police, Phil Spector is the weirdest guy in the music business?

Really?!?

Paris in springtime
For violating her drunk driving parole, L.A. prosecutors will send Paris Hilton to jail for 45 days. Paris Hilton’s lawyers will appeal. This marks the first time the words Paris Hilton and appeal have appeared together.

For twice violating her drunk driving parole, Paris Hilton is going to jail for 45 days. In a related story, the new “Free Paris” t-shirts are officially the worst selling garment in history.

Youch
Los Angeles Dodgers defeated the Florida Marlins behind starter Brad Penny’s 14-strike outing, despite the fact a sports page photo reveals Penny’s fly was wide open. And you thought soccer players flopped?

Makes sense
After Paris Hilton blamed her publicist, Elliot Mintz, for Paris breaking her drunk driving parole and being sentenced to 45 days in jail, Paris fired Mintz but then quickly rehired him. Paris figured that simply being the publicist of an untalented diva bitch was punishment enough.