Monday, May 07, 2007

Sometimes I think I’m the only cab on the road, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Darby Day
Have you placed your bets for the Kentucky Derby? I have a hot tip: put all your money on D.C. Madam. I here she is going to destroy everyone.

Happy feliz
Cinco De Mayo was Saturday. For those who don’t know, Cinco De Mayo is Spanish for Gas Prices Suck.

Now that’s drunk
David Hasselhof’s family released a video of the former “Baywatch” star on the floor too drunk to eat a hamburger. To give you an idea just how drunk Hasselhof was, his shirt was off and he forgot to suck in his gut.

L.A. prosecutors want to send Paris Hilton to jail for 45 days for violating her drunk driving charge. We like making jokes, but can you imagine poor little Paris at the mercy of some really mean, tall, brunette woman jail guard? Huh? Oh, sorry, I got lost for a second there.

Donald Trump has come out with a line of meat. And what could be more appetizing than food from a bloated, rapidly-aging egomaniac with a bad comb-over?

Well, there is an exception
The Kentucky Derby is Saturday. Last year’s winner Barbaro, proved that America can fall in love with a big strong animal with a huge head. Well, except for Barry Bonds.

Now that is tense
A Washington DC Madam is going to disclose all the congressmen who hired her prostitutes. Things are so tense at Capital Hill, congressmen are actually forgetting to pick up their bribes.

Sign me up
Drew Barrymore is on the cover of “People” magazine’s sexiest issue. Drew Barrymore once said she wished she could make love to herself so she could see how she was as a lover. That’s one romantic comedy guys would go see.

Since you asked:
As I have mentioned, one of my favorite things to do in the early gloaming is to pour a glass of wine, crack some pasticcios, flip on the “Food Network” sirens Rachel Ray and Giadi DeLaurentis and make crude, oafish sexual double-entendres at their cooking tips in my best “Caddy Shack” Bill Murray character Carl Spackler “I got a salami I gotta hide” voice.

“Oh yeah? I’ll heat up your sauce. I got some meat for ya. You can scramble my eggs.”

There I was watching the cleavage jiggling Giadi grinding some pepper (You can grind my pepper), when I suddenly hit a rare cold streak. Nothing. No thoughts. And then, finally the dish was finished, Giadi took a forkful, and looked right at the camera with her “I can do things in bed you can’t even pronounce” smile and said;

“It’s hot so blow on it.”

Blinking in shock, I yelled out in frustration:

“It isn’t fun if you aren’t going to make me try!”

Derby tip. Don't bet on a horse with the name Elmers in it.

They're trying

Blogger/ Google or Bloggle as I call them are trying. Bless their hearts, they are trying to drive me out of my mind. Today I logged on to Blogger via my Google account and it suddenly forgot my name and password again. When I typed them in, they didn't acknowledge them. Two hours of cyber hell later, somehow I got back in. Once again, Cookies were a factor for some reason.

But they won't drive me out of my mind. Will they? What's that? Oh, Doorgon, the non-violent voice in my head says to remind the goats herding on Malgatrollis to carry the severed unicorn heads to the temple of Trollgus for the annual Clagging of the snorfullus.

Hmmm hmmm hmm hhhmm hah hah hahhhh hahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah