Saturday, May 12, 2007

Oh, hell to the no, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How perfect is it she is named Paris?
Paris Hilton is facing 45 days in jail. There was an awkward moment when Paris’s attorney tried to explain to Paris she faced incarceration, Paris said; “Why, is my car sick?”

Side effect
While they are at it
Lawmakers in Massachusetts have passed a law that requires dogs to wear a seatbelt in the car. In addition, they passed a law that makes it illegal for dogs to smoke when playing poker.

Mommy Day
Mother’s Day is this weekend. You want to give Mom a gift she won’t stop talking about? Give her a Dustbuster, she’ll complain about it for the rest of her life.

Come again?
Rep. Presidential candidate Duncan Hunter revealed he drives a Chevy Suburban with 274,000 miles on it. Upon hearing this, shocked people asked; “Who the hell is Duncan Hunter?”

Record breaker
Paris Hilton is facing 45-days of jail; online celebrity news sites have featured polls if their readers think Paris should go to jail and they have averaged 94% yes. This breaks the old record set when the poll asked if shooting a nail gun at a blind orphan was bad. That was 80% yes.

Since you asked:
Women are very competitive when it comes to their kids and this includes my wife, Virginia. Of this I was reminded as I had to try and carry Ann Caroline’s book-report project model home from school yesterday. Her book report was on “Heidi” and she and Virg made a landscape complete with a plastic, craggy grey mountain in the middle of it the size of Barry Bonds’s head.

It brought back memories of the weekend picture book when Ann Caroline was in pre-school. The idea was you took the book home and, using photographs and captions, illustrated what a typical weekend was like at your house.

The first few entrants were very matter-of-fact and honest. Here we are petting the dog. Making breakfast. Playing in the yard. Then competition reared its ugly head. The next entrant had people over for dinner and an arts and crafts project. The next few entrants had trips to Sea World, Legoland and the Zoo. It became very clear that the game was now beat the entrant before you. So my suggestion of a collage of "Daddy drinks booze and watches sports while lying on the couch" was more than just a little out.

So when we got the “Weekend” book it was on. Oh my word. Our segment looked like a combination beer and tampon commercial. Here we are on a big bike ride around a beautiful lake; a cookout on the beach; a “spontaneous barbeque” with ten friends; donating blood at the Red Cross; making balloon animals at Children’s hospital. It was ridiculous. Brad and Angelina aren’t as busy as we were.

After the weekend book was finished I got to see the entrants after ours. Oh my word, again. Let’s just say I think the final segment had the entire family flying to Darfur to donate a kidney to an orphan.

Since you asked, tu:
Got my first really expensive mail-order steak and I am going to try it tonight. A bone-in ribeye. In fact, I am planning my evening around it: First a hard work out to build up an appetite and then I am going to old school that sucker: garlic, fresh ground pepper, kosher salt rub. Sear on Roasting Ruby the Weber (My beloved Blazing Bessie the aluminum gas grill will sit this one out) with lump charcoal, then brush good olive oil and finish with the lid on.

Sautee some sweet onions, roast a garlic for the roasted garlic, butter/mustard sauce and bake a Yukon gold. Red wine and the DVR’d Cubbies while dining. (AC and Virg are otherwise engaged)

If this steak doesn’t taste amazing, I want somebody’s tookus in my totebag.