Saturday, September 30, 2006

Oh hell yeah, we gonna bring a ruckus up in here and eeh-heethang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Go black hole
“Sports Illustrated” says that ultramarathon legend Dean Karnazes “has been known, during exceptionally long competitions, to eat a pizza and even to fall asleep while he runs.’’ As a result Karnazes was named an honorary Oakland Raider.

How knows?
A medical study claims that too much testosterone can kill brain cells. Or something like that, I couldn’t really understand it.

So to speak
Vice Detectives in Tampa Bay were investigating a strip club for dancers illegally getting naked during lap dances. They spent $6,400 for 92 lap dances. But don’t worry, they’ve got their hands on a firm lead.

That should work
The Senate has passed a bill to build a 700 mile fence on our 2,000 mile border. After that the Senate plan to end global warming by telling Eva Langoria to stop being so darn hot.

Denying that he plans to run for office, George Clooney said the only thing he is going to run for has two legs and a skirt. To which Bill Clinton said; “So you are going to run for President?”

The study if full of it
A new study claims that the one thing men find most attractive in women is their sense of humor. Yeah, that’s why so many guys have the hot’s for “The View’s” Joy Behar.

So true, those Victoria swimsuit models have just tremendous wits.

A lot
Paris Hilton was officially charged with a D.U.I. Her blood alcohol level was .08. To show how high that is, Paris actually had more alcohol in her system than she had sperm and Red Bull.

Not all that abnormal
The NBC show “Heroes” is doing really well. It’s about normal people who discover they have abnormal powers. Not all the people with abnormal powers made the show. Like the guy whose power was being able to know Kirsty Alley’s current weight.

Like the guy whose power is he can translate what President Bush says into English.

Count him out
Another guy has claimed he is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. In fact, the only guy who hasn’t claimed to be Anna Nicole’s baby’s father? Lance Bass.

A sure best seller
The Madden Curse strikes again. For the fifth year in a row, the player on the cover of the video game “Madden NFL”, this time, Shaun Alexander, has been injured. The good
news? Next year the cover of “Madden NFL 2007”? Osama bin Laden.

A sure thing
A Pennsylvania adult T-ball baseball coach was convicted of paying one his eight-year-old players $25 to throw a ball at the head of their eight-year-old mentally challenged teammate to injure him and get him out of a game. In addition, the guy was sentenced to say hello to Ken Lay when he goes to hell.

Not clear on the concept
A medical study claims that too much testosterone can kill brain cells. When asked to comment, positive testosterone testing cyclist Floyd Landis, said “Duh, huh?”

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Video killed the radio star, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Cater to the slobs
McDonalds is going to serve breakfast 24-hours a day. How fat and lazy have we become when we have to cater to slobs who can’t make it out of bed to get to McDonalds by 11:00 am?

McDonalds is going to serve breakfast 24-hours a day. And thank goodness, just in time, our country was just getting too darn skinny.

I tell ya’, he was hot
Bill Clinton is still furious about his interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News. In fact, Clinton is so steamed, he crawled in bed with Hillary just to cool down.

Just missed
During Bill Clinton’s fiery interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News, Clinton claimed to have plans to shoot a missile at terrorists, but, like with Monica, Clinton missed down and to the right.

Can you believe the temper on Bill Clinton in his interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News? Before that nobody knew Clinton could blow his fuse that fast except Monica.

No easy task, that
Pope Benedict met with Muslim leaders to try and diffuse Muslim anger. Yeah, good luck with that. The Pope might want to try something a little easier than diffusing Muslim anger like, oh, say, building a time machine, for example.

Good news bad news
In an inspiring Monday Night Football win for New Orleans, the Saints beat the Atlanta Falcons 23-3. The good news for the Saints is they got momentum from blocking the field goal of 46-year-old Morten Anderson. The bad news? They were charged with elder abuse.

Not easy
A study on Internet Pornography reveals it generates 12 billion a year in revenue more than three times what NBC makes. Of course it is tough for NBC to compete with Internet porn, the only time anyone on NBC got screwed is when they saw the ratings for “Joey.”

My Poor Cubbies
In a typical rookie hazing, the Chicago Cubs rookies had to dress in drag for a road trip. Man, just when you thought the Cubs couldn’t look any uglier.

One player was wearing a mini skirt so short, you could almost see his steroid shrunken testicles.

Infuriated, I say
It is disgusting that we have something as powerful as the Internet and we use it to generate 12 billion dollars in pornography. That infuriates me. It also infuriates me when an Internet site says a three-way is two guys and a girl, it should be two girls and a guy.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Since you asked:

My wife, Virginia, bless her heart, has a thing for decorative bed pillows. Not to be biased, but this has to be a chick thing. We have more fancy pillows on our bed than the Sheik of Arabia. This is a thing I do not get. Why go to the trouble of arranging a bunch of pillows like a Japanese rock garden only to have to toss them all off on the floor when you go to bed?

These pillows serve absolutely no purpose and look affected and or dated to me, but, as far as decoration input is concerned, my opinion counts less than the opinion of one of those pillows.

And my wife loves those pillows. She fretted and fretted over the fabric, size, colors, patterns and then, once she had all of her treasured perfect pillows, she fretted over how to arrange them.

So what does our no-sense-having, hound-dog-resembling white/ yellow Labrador, Wrigley, do? The second he has a chance, when nobody was looking and before we could make the bed and the pillows were on the floor, he sneaks up stairs heads right for the biggest and prettiest silk decorative bed pillow, lifts his leg and pees all over it. And not on one spot, Wrigley did a whole Jackson Pollock number. It was the single most efficient and effective thing Wrigley could have done to piss off my wife short of pooping on her shoes.

This ultimate affront was made worse because it followed a weekend of my wife lavishly doting on our dogs. She walked them every day, she gave them a bath and she brushed them down. At night she would cuddle and coo with the dogs, hoping to train them to behave and stay close in the newly redecorated home entertainment area, which, to their credit, they do.

So how does Wrigley reward all that attention? He pees on her damn pillow. But what else can you expect from a dog that, on Christmas eve, with the scent of chestnuts roasting on an open fire and the dulcet sound of Nat King Cole singing “Oh Holy Night” cheerily wafting in the air, Wrigley walks up and, as pretty as you please, pees directly on the Christmas tree and all the presents underneath.

This is a dog with serious icon authority issues. And no sense. No sense at all.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

It is hard out here

Oh snap, jump back, kiss myself, hah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not since then
Did you see Bill Clinton’s interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News? Bill Clinton got furious. In fact that is the reddest Clinton’s face has ever been without Monica being under the desk.

Bill Clinton hasn’t been that mad since Hillary hid his condoms.

Mmm, mmm, good
A new Seattle winery is producing a popular Chardonnay called Fat Bastard. Fat Bastard wine goes great with dumb-son-of-a-bitch chicken or lazy-scum-bag fish.

He should know
Did you see Bill Clinton’s angry interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News? Clinton said; “You did your nice little conservative hit job on me.” And if there is anyone who is an expert on jobs performed on him, it’s Clinton.

Did you see Bill Clinton’s angry interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News? You don’t want to lose your temper like Clinton did. Of course, it’s not as bad as losing something else on a blue dress, but still.

How old is he?
Tonight on Monday Night Football, the Atlanta Falcons debut their new 46-year-old field goal kicker, Morten Anderson against the New Orleans Saints. Now, I don’t want to say that Morten is old, but he has a Roman Numeral on his jersey.

Morten is the first NFL player to have a sponsorship deal with AARP.

Morten Anderson is so old that, if the Falcons win, instead of Gatorade, they pour Geritol over his head.

I don’t want to say Morten is really old but the last time Morten played his team was called for delay of game while he was telling a story about his grandchildren in the huddle

Celebrate good times
The FAA has lifted their ban on carrying liquids on a plane. This is good news for liquor stores and pilots.

Do not be confused
The movie “Jackass” debuted at number one at the box office. Don’t be mistaken, “Jackass” is a wild physical stunt movie, it is not, repeat, not the biography of Mel Gibson.

Coming soon
She is all over TV and she has her own magazine and her book club, now Oprah is launching a radio station. Oprah’s next media goal? To implant an audio transmitter in everybody’s head. All Oprah all the time.

Wanna come over and see my snake?
It was a wild week for Fantasy Football players. Tampa Bay quarterback Chris Simms had to have his spleen removed, Denver running back Tatum Bell emerged as a star, and the 70’s Star Trek animated series is out on DVD.

That’s what I heard
“Desperate Housewives” Eva Langoria is on the show tonight. You know she is dating NBA star and Frenchman Tony Parker? Maybe we can find out if it really is true how Frenchmen hold their liquor: By the ears.

Since you asked:
It is easy to make jokes about what nerds Fantasy Football league players are, and I have done that many times. Just be sure I, as a burly, tough, charismatic sexy-guy-who-girls-want-and-guys-want-to-be guy, I am no typical Fantasy Football nerd.

No, I am such a colossal Fantasy Football dork that I went to the added time and trouble of giving Len “Don’t want to be your beast of” Berman nicknames for my players.

At QB’s I have Rex “Dude, that is so” Grossman and Peyton “Place” Manning.

At RB’s I have Fred Taylor “of two cities”, Chester “Sweet baby James” Taylor, Tatum “O’Neal” Bell, and LenDale White “Album”

At WR’s I have Laverneous “And Shirley” Coles (Or Laverneous “I am so hot for her and she’s so” Coles) Bernard Barrian “enema”, Antonio “Heavens” Gates, Nate “toss him in the” Barrelson, and “Bear” Bryant Johnson.

K, Jay “Touchy” Feely.

So how did I do this week? Bad week. Should have let Chester sit against the #1 against-the-run Bears D and started Tatum instead. Tied at 54 going into MNF, but my opponent has Morten Anderson, the Falcons new old man kicker and I am done. Need a shut out or a couple of blocked field goals and or missed extra points and that ain’t gonna happen.

But no! Do you believe in miracles? Morten “You punks get off my lawn” Anderson lost his field goal with a minus three points when another field goal was blocked. I won. My reserves crushed his reserves.

I am 3-0 with (knock on wood) with the # 1 passing team and the # 4 rushing team and everyone is healthy and getting Antonio “Pearly” Gates back from the bye. So I got that going for me, which is nice . . .

In a couple of weeks I may have to call the Freddy the Fred, Fredster “Let me give you the name of my” Taylor into my office for a little chat. The good news, Taylor “of two cities”? You are going to be fresh and more rested. The bad news? We are starting Tatum “for whom the” Bell “tolls.” FT is a team player. He plays for the name on the front of his Jersey, not the one on the back. Think about that when you get a chance.

(In my best Freido Corleone) Did you ever once think about that? Huh?