It is hard out here
Oh snap, jump back, kiss myself, hah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Not since then
Did you see Bill Clinton’s interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News? Bill Clinton got furious. In fact that is the reddest Clinton’s face has ever been without Monica being under the desk.
Bill Clinton hasn’t been that mad since Hillary hid his condoms.
Mmm, mmm, good
A new Seattle winery is producing a popular Chardonnay called Fat Bastard. Fat Bastard wine goes great with dumb-son-of-a-bitch chicken or lazy-scum-bag fish.
He should know
Did you see Bill Clinton’s angry interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News? Clinton said; “You did your nice little conservative hit job on me.” And if there is anyone who is an expert on jobs performed on him, it’s Clinton.
Did you see Bill Clinton’s angry interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News? You don’t want to lose your temper like Clinton did. Of course, it’s not as bad as losing something else on a blue dress, but still.
How old is he?
Tonight on Monday Night Football, the Atlanta Falcons debut their new 46-year-old field goal kicker, Morten Anderson against the New Orleans Saints. Now, I don’t want to say that Morten is old, but he has a Roman Numeral on his jersey.
Morten is the first NFL player to have a sponsorship deal with AARP.
Morten Anderson is so old that, if the Falcons win, instead of Gatorade, they pour Geritol over his head.
I don’t want to say Morten is really old but the last time Morten played his team was called for delay of game while he was telling a story about his grandchildren in the huddle
Celebrate good times
The FAA has lifted their ban on carrying liquids on a plane. This is good news for liquor stores and pilots.
Do not be confused
The movie “Jackass” debuted at number one at the box office. Don’t be mistaken, “Jackass” is a wild physical stunt movie, it is not, repeat, not the biography of Mel Gibson.
Coming soon
She is all over TV and she has her own magazine and her book club, now Oprah is launching a radio station. Oprah’s next media goal? To implant an audio transmitter in everybody’s head. All Oprah all the time.
Wanna come over and see my snake?
It was a wild week for Fantasy Football players. Tampa Bay quarterback Chris Simms had to have his spleen removed, Denver running back Tatum Bell emerged as a star, and the 70’s Star Trek animated series is out on DVD.
That’s what I heard
“Desperate Housewives” Eva Langoria is on the show tonight. You know she is dating NBA star and Frenchman Tony Parker? Maybe we can find out if it really is true how Frenchmen hold their liquor: By the ears.
Since you asked:
It is easy to make jokes about what nerds Fantasy Football league players are, and I have done that many times. Just be sure I, as a burly, tough, charismatic sexy-guy-who-girls-want-and-guys-want-to-be guy, I am no typical Fantasy Football nerd.
No, I am such a colossal Fantasy Football dork that I went to the added time and trouble of giving Len “Don’t want to be your beast of” Berman nicknames for my players.
At QB’s I have Rex “Dude, that is so” Grossman and Peyton “Place” Manning.
At RB’s I have Fred Taylor “of two cities”, Chester “Sweet baby James” Taylor, Tatum “O’Neal” Bell, and LenDale White “Album”
At WR’s I have Laverneous “And Shirley” Coles (Or Laverneous “I am so hot for her and she’s so” Coles) Bernard Barrian “enema”, Antonio “Heavens” Gates, Nate “toss him in the” Barrelson, and “Bear” Bryant Johnson.
K, Jay “Touchy” Feely.
So how did I do this week? Bad week. Should have let Chester sit against the #1 against-the-run Bears D and started Tatum instead. Tied at 54 going into MNF, but my opponent has Morten Anderson, the Falcons new old man kicker and I am done. Need a shut out or a couple of blocked field goals and or missed extra points and that ain’t gonna happen.
But no! Do you believe in miracles? Morten “You punks get off my lawn” Anderson lost his field goal with a minus three points when another field goal was blocked. I won. My reserves crushed his reserves.
I am 3-0 with (knock on wood) with the # 1 passing team and the # 4 rushing team and everyone is healthy and getting Antonio “Pearly” Gates back from the bye. So I got that going for me, which is nice . . .
In a couple of weeks I may have to call the Freddy the Fred, Fredster “Let me give you the name of my” Taylor into my office for a little chat. The good news, Taylor “of two cities”? You are going to be fresh and more rested. The bad news? We are starting Tatum “for whom the” Bell “tolls.” FT is a team player. He plays for the name on the front of his Jersey, not the one on the back. Think about that when you get a chance.
(In my best Freido Corleone) Did you ever once think about that? Huh?
Not since then
Did you see Bill Clinton’s interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News? Bill Clinton got furious. In fact that is the reddest Clinton’s face has ever been without Monica being under the desk.
Bill Clinton hasn’t been that mad since Hillary hid his condoms.
Mmm, mmm, good
A new Seattle winery is producing a popular Chardonnay called Fat Bastard. Fat Bastard wine goes great with dumb-son-of-a-bitch chicken or lazy-scum-bag fish.
He should know
Did you see Bill Clinton’s angry interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News? Clinton said; “You did your nice little conservative hit job on me.” And if there is anyone who is an expert on jobs performed on him, it’s Clinton.
Did you see Bill Clinton’s angry interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News? You don’t want to lose your temper like Clinton did. Of course, it’s not as bad as losing something else on a blue dress, but still.
How old is he?
Tonight on Monday Night Football, the Atlanta Falcons debut their new 46-year-old field goal kicker, Morten Anderson against the New Orleans Saints. Now, I don’t want to say that Morten is old, but he has a Roman Numeral on his jersey.
Morten is the first NFL player to have a sponsorship deal with AARP.
Morten Anderson is so old that, if the Falcons win, instead of Gatorade, they pour Geritol over his head.
I don’t want to say Morten is really old but the last time Morten played his team was called for delay of game while he was telling a story about his grandchildren in the huddle
Celebrate good times
The FAA has lifted their ban on carrying liquids on a plane. This is good news for liquor stores and pilots.
Do not be confused
The movie “Jackass” debuted at number one at the box office. Don’t be mistaken, “Jackass” is a wild physical stunt movie, it is not, repeat, not the biography of Mel Gibson.
Coming soon
She is all over TV and she has her own magazine and her book club, now Oprah is launching a radio station. Oprah’s next media goal? To implant an audio transmitter in everybody’s head. All Oprah all the time.
Wanna come over and see my snake?
It was a wild week for Fantasy Football players. Tampa Bay quarterback Chris Simms had to have his spleen removed, Denver running back Tatum Bell emerged as a star, and the 70’s Star Trek animated series is out on DVD.
That’s what I heard
“Desperate Housewives” Eva Langoria is on the show tonight. You know she is dating NBA star and Frenchman Tony Parker? Maybe we can find out if it really is true how Frenchmen hold their liquor: By the ears.
Since you asked:
It is easy to make jokes about what nerds Fantasy Football league players are, and I have done that many times. Just be sure I, as a burly, tough, charismatic sexy-guy-who-girls-want-and-guys-want-to-be guy, I am no typical Fantasy Football nerd.
No, I am such a colossal Fantasy Football dork that I went to the added time and trouble of giving Len “Don’t want to be your beast of” Berman nicknames for my players.
At QB’s I have Rex “Dude, that is so” Grossman and Peyton “Place” Manning.
At RB’s I have Fred Taylor “of two cities”, Chester “Sweet baby James” Taylor, Tatum “O’Neal” Bell, and LenDale White “Album”
At WR’s I have Laverneous “And Shirley” Coles (Or Laverneous “I am so hot for her and she’s so” Coles) Bernard Barrian “enema”, Antonio “Heavens” Gates, Nate “toss him in the” Barrelson, and “Bear” Bryant Johnson.
K, Jay “Touchy” Feely.
So how did I do this week? Bad week. Should have let Chester sit against the #1 against-the-run Bears D and started Tatum instead. Tied at 54 going into MNF, but my opponent has Morten Anderson, the Falcons new old man kicker and I am done. Need a shut out or a couple of blocked field goals and or missed extra points and that ain’t gonna happen.
But no! Do you believe in miracles? Morten “You punks get off my lawn” Anderson lost his field goal with a minus three points when another field goal was blocked. I won. My reserves crushed his reserves.
I am 3-0 with (knock on wood) with the # 1 passing team and the # 4 rushing team and everyone is healthy and getting Antonio “Pearly” Gates back from the bye. So I got that going for me, which is nice . . .
In a couple of weeks I may have to call the Freddy the Fred, Fredster “Let me give you the name of my” Taylor into my office for a little chat. The good news, Taylor “of two cities”? You are going to be fresh and more rested. The bad news? We are starting Tatum “for whom the” Bell “tolls.” FT is a team player. He plays for the name on the front of his Jersey, not the one on the back. Think about that when you get a chance.
(In my best Freido Corleone) Did you ever once think about that? Huh?
posted by Alex at
8:23 PM
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