Saturday, September 23, 2006

Takin’ it in slow so we can get on the down low, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Early California polls indicate Arnold Schwarzenegger would win in a landslide against his gubernatorial opponent Phil Angelides. Another poll reveals that many California voters would love to hear Arnold try and pronounce: gubernatorial opponent Phil Angelides.

Funny, that
Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, refused to attend a U.N. dinner because alcohol was being sewed. That is also the only reason Ted Kennedy did attend.

Who would have guessed?
A postal worker in Ohio was sentenced to six months in jail for urinating in his co-workers coffee. How ironic was it that the coffee was Folgers? Good to the last drop.

Not since then
Last night, the New York Yankees celebrated clinching their division after a Boston Red Sox loss. It is the first victory to result because of a loss since President Bush was elected.

Technical term
Doctors in China performed the first penis transplant. I believe the medical term for this procedure is called an add-a-dick-to-me.

Not since then
Doctors in China performed the first penis transplant only to have to remove it at the patient’s request. It is the most dramatic example of a penis rejection since Star Jones’s honeymoon

Special effects added
In a speech to the U.N., Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President Bush El Diablo, Spanish for the Devil. Asked to reply, President Bush said; “El Diablo? Heck, I kinda like the sound of that. Call me El Diablo and then play that bad-ass Clint Eastwood music”

How old is he?
The Atlanta Falcons signed 46-year-old Morten Anderson, the oldest man in the NFL. Anderson is so old when he was a rookie, the end zone dance was the Charleston. He’s old, I tell ya.

A sure sign
The American al Qaeda fighter seen on video, Adam Gadahn, is from Orange County, CA. You know how you can tell if your boy is secretly be an Islamic radical? The only thing he wants for Christmas? A Jihad Joe doll.

For his birthday he asks to go to dinner at Thank Allah Its Friday and his teddy bear is wearing a turban.

Suddenly an over-acheiver
The American al Qaeda fighter seen on video, Adam Gadahn, is from Orange County, CA.
Parents, you think your kid is disappointing? Compared to being a terrorist, dropping out of
Junior college to play drums for a Ska band suddenly doesn’t sound so bad.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

It is hard out here

Me and Spell Check (Or is it Spell Check and I?)

Yesterday, I was describing myself to a potential comedy writing client while typing away on Microsoft Word. Don’t you hate Microsoft Word? It is too good. Not many things are too good, but Microsoft Word is one of them. One mistake, one slip of the finger, and you are typing in Arabic and you can’t change it.

The problem with that is that I am fairly certain I don’t speak Arabic. I do speak Chinese. At least I thought I did for about a day when I was four-years-old. One day I blurted out;

“Wing yang zee chong chew high whoo.”

It genuinely shocked and amazed me to know that I could suddenly speak Chinese. It’s basically the same thing our youngest of two yellow Labradors, Wrigley, thinks he can do with English when he blurts out;

“Arrrrr, ewww, rawwwww, oooooewwww, errrrrr.”

Wrigley really thinks he can talk to us. Then, of course, I have to tell Wrigley that, not only isn’t he really speaking English, what he is doing is a really insulting stereotypical bad imitation of us. (Now I know how I made the Chinese feel when I was four) Unfortunately, since, as I have said, Wrigley doesn’t speak English, Wrigley just thinks I am having another conversation with him.

It is somewhat of a vicious circle, is what it is.

So, there I am trying not to write in Arabic on Microsoft Word and I want to describe myself as best and as honestly as I can to this potential comedy writing client, so, naturally, I write that I am one of the comedic geniuses of this millennium. The problem is that I misspell comedic, geniuses and millennium so badly that the spell check can’t figure out what-in-the-hell I am trying to write. In fact, for the first time, my spell check got so frustrated it actually started talking to me.

“Oh, Dude, you’re killing me. I got no idea what those words are supposed to be. Come on, help a brother out, try and spell somewhere in the neighborhood of what it might be.”

Finally after about ten tries, my Microsoft Word Spell Check says;

“Oh, no, you can’t be serious? One of the commeedic geenuiissses of this malennueim? Do you even know what millennium means?”

Now my spell check was not only talking to me, it was actually getting pissed off at me. In an angry rant my Spell Check spit;

“Don’t you think that if you were one of the comedic geniuses of the millennium (he said comedic, geniuses and millennium really slow to sound all smart-alecky) that you might, oh, I don’t know, actually know how to spell comedic geniuses of this millennium?”

By this point Spell Check was yelling at me all Dennis Leary-like. In fact, I think my Spell Check may actually be Dennis Leary. So I ask my Dennis Leary Spell Check;

“So what should I say to describe myself?”

“Oh, how about a little truth-in-advertising?” he says, lighting a cigarette.

“Hey, no smoking in here,” I scold him.

“Blow me.” he says flicking a piece of tobacco off his lip. Then he says;

“Describe yourself as a slightly amusing guy who just might not be a complete and utter idiot.”

Now I was getting pissed at Spell Check Dennis Leary. Sure he has an Emmy for writing and all, but I don’t need to take that, so I shoot back at him;      

“OK, smart guy, you really think they are going to hire a guy after he describes himself as a slightly amusing guy who isn’t a total idiot?”

Spell Check Dennis Leary took a long drag off of his Marlboro and swigged his Rum and Coke and hissed;

“Maybe.  Who knows? You being a comedic genius and all you might have heard of this thing out there called irony and sarcasm. Try it. Run with it. Bathe in it. Let it be your friend.”

“That rum and Coke looks good” I say, “Where did you get it?”

“You don’t get one, you’re working.”

“Oh, but you get to have one?” I asked indignantly.

“I’m sorry,” Dennis Leary Spell Check said sarcastically; “I forgot, are you the big shot star with an Emmy for best writing or am I? Hmm?”

Well, needless to say I didn’t get the job and Spell Check Dennis Leary and I aren’t speaking to each other anymore. And I never got the rum and Coke.

But at least Wrigley thinks I can speak Chinese, so that’s something anyway.  

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

It is hard out here

Since you asked:
Not to blow smoke or log roll because they buy my jokes, “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” “Jeopardy” skit with that whacko Iranian president, Fidel Castro and George W. was off the hook. The guy who does Bush does Bush so well you have to shake your head to make sure it isn’t actually our Commander in Chief.

And not to be bitter because they turned down my sketch submission, but “Saturday Night Live” has half a year to come up with funnier skits than “TTSWJL” Jeopardy skit and they can’t. No, “SNL” is far too busy turning down my hilarious sketch of a uber cranky Donald Rumsfeld at a press conference becoming increasingly angry and condescending to the press as the press becomes more and more intimidated until they are like frightened children in front of an abusive and sadistic teacher.

The “Jeopardy” answer is Pluto and President Bush rings in with;

“What is the Spanish word for pollute? As in “Give a hooto, don’t Pluto.”

In my best Johnny, that’s uh, that’s good stuff.

Speaking of “TTSWJL” can we firmly include Justin Timberlake in “Things Lex Doesn’t Get”? Now, I know that I am not – nor have I ever been – a pre-teenage girl, but what the?

Time to play;

“Things that Lex Doesn’t Get”

Hummers. No married guy wisecracks, please.

Text Messaging

Gang-banger apparel (This is probably an age thing)

Keanu Reeves (He will forever be in the TTLDG hall of fame)

Crocs (I don’t care how comfy they are, they are too ugly to even be included into the so-ugly-they-are-cool category like Ugg boots, bull dogs and John C. Reilly)

Maria Carey. I see why some people do like her, I just don't.

Madonna (She holds the record for the longest running member of TTLDG, but she does look great)

Cell Phone camera shots (Unless you got a picture of Sasquatch doing it with Nessie, the Loch Ness monster or Carmen Electra doing an S& M bondage roll play thing with Kate Hudson, keep it to yourself)

Comedians who are too hip to want to be funny.

Musicians who are too hip to want to make and play good music (these last two could be age things)

Feng Shui (“Sunlight and cross ventilation are good things? Get out of here. Let me pay you out the tookus to tell me that”)

Paris Hilton. Does anyone, and I mean anyone, not despise her with the hot hatred of ten Suns? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Kitsch. When did crap become so cool? (See: Paris Hilton)

Bed- head. This is just me being bitter because I was the bed-head pioneer in the Seventies and Eighties and got no love before launching the careers of Jimmy Falon and Dane Cook. No love, in fact, ridicule. It’s true, *geniuses go unappreciated in their lifetime. Shout out to Vinny Van Gogh.

Decidedly not hot chicks dressing like hot chicks. Now, I know this is the epidemic of entitlement, but, for the love of decency, look in a mirror before you leave the house.

"SNL's" Horatio Sanz. Yes, that skit "I'm Carol" was once funny for a couple minutes until the wooden acting and obvious prompter reading inevitably made it not funny. Color this as jealousy of the cabbage that NBC tosses at you if you want, but Hor, buddy, amigo, please, for the love of decency, give back that picture you have of Lorne Michaels doing it with a goat. We've got a great show for you so stick around.

* A little A.l.B.b. insight: while I was including myself with my fellow geniuses, I had to have spell check correctly spell geniuses for me. Oh, thy comedy, thou art a sarcastic and caustic bitch.

Peace, roll out wit' da shout out, yooooooooooooooooooooo.

It is hard out here

Beeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Los Vientos Del Diablo
In L.A. we are experiencing Santa Ana winds which are called devil winds because they can make people act crazy. It’s true, today in Santa Monica somebody was so nuts, they actually walked into a Tower Records and bought Paris Hilton’s CD.

Not since then
The New York Giants overcame a 17 point fourth quarter deficit to come from behind to beat the Philadelphia Eagles. It was the greatest come-from-behind performance since the Paris Hilton video.

What’s the difference
President Bush told reporters this week that he has no plans to invade North Korea. That won’t ease their mind, Bush didn’t have any plans for invading Iraq.

Sounds familiar
In the waters off New Guinea, conservationists discovered a walking shark. Don’t we have those? They’re called attorneys.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Pope Benedict apologized for his remarks that Islam’s prophet, Muhammad, preached violence; Today, Muslim’s around the world responded violently — including shooting a Nun in Somalia - at being accused by the Pope of responding violently. Well that should show the Pope.

If you know what I mean
Lindsay Lohan fell and fractured her wrist. They don’t know what caused Lindsay to fall but — thanks to several revealing paparazzi shots - they do know Lindsay didn’t trip on her panties.

Get it?
The San Diego Chargers destroyed the Tennessee Titans 40-7. San Diego’s defense put the Charge in Chargers. The Tennessee defense was so dainty, they put the you-know-what in Titan.

al -Lohan
Apparently Lindsay Lohan and her Mom got into a violent screaming obscenity-laced fight with her mother at a New York restaurant. And here I didn’t even know the Lohan’s were Muslims.

Monday, September 18, 2006

We random with the abandon up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Irony Mike
Mike Tyson has a job shadowboxing for visitors at a Las Vegas hotel. That should be a great fight because Tyson is a shadow of his former self.

Don’t mention it
Britney Spears had a baby boy. It was a little awkward, when they informed Britney the baby was born by Caesarean, Britney said, “Thank Dr. Caesarean for me.’

It was a little awkward, when they informed Britney that the baby was born via Caesarean section, Britney said; “I thought we were in the maternity ward?”

Now that is fast
A survey claims that 20% of men suffer from premature ejaculation; and 5% of those men ejaculate so quickly they travel back in time.

A survey claims that 20% of men suffer from premature ejaculation. Another survey reveals that women think the other 80% of those men are lying.

First time caller, long time fearer
Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem are launching an all-woman all talk radio show. I think the call letters are W-PMS, The Scare On the Air.

Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem are launching an all-woman all talk radio show. I’m going to go on a limb and say they aren’t going to sell a lot of advertising time to Hooters Restaurants.

What are the odds?
Segway Scooters have been recalled due to a glitch in their software that can cause a rider to get thrown off. It’s so bad that one Segway user was thrown so far he actually landed on top of a woman.

Religious expressions
President Bush said that there is a religious revival in America and that he notices more and more expressions of faith among the people he meets. As in; “Good lord, what are you doing?” And, “God, you’re approval ratings are low.” And “Why the hell are gas prices so high?”

A sure sign
There is a new device developed at Cal Tech that reportedly informs you if you are being boring in social situations. You know how it can tell if you’re boring? If you went to Cal Tech.

Our Lafaveorite
Did you see Matt Lauer interview the Florida teacher, Debra Lafave, who slept with the 14-year-old student? That teacher is so hot, if you listen to the interview carefully, you can actually hear the boy she slept with getting high-fives from his buddies.

Did you see Matt Lauer interview the hot Florida teacher, Debra Lafave, who slept with the 14-year-old student? When I was in high school even the shop teacher wouldn’t let me nail anything.

Did you see Matt Lauer interview the hot Florida teacher, Debra Lafave, who slept with the 14-year-old student? It was a tough interview, in fact, Matt Lauer was so mad at Debra Lafave for what she did, he demanded to spank her.

That drunk
San Diego Charger linebacker Steve Foley who was shot three times while approaching an off-duty policeman, had three times the legal limit of alcohol. To give you an idea how intoxicated somebody is three times the legal limit, they are so drunk they will go at a guy shooting a gun.

Uh, no sir, that’s not what, oh forget it
Once again, President Bush’s approval ratings are down. In an awkward moment, President Bush vowed to improve his approval rating by traveling to the city of Approval to settle his differences with the fine Approvalian people.

Not fair
This year’s CBS “Survivor” is divided by race, but political correctness is hurting the white team. The black team yells, “Win for Africa.” The Hispanic team yelled; “Go Chicanos!” The Asian team yells “Win for the Orient.” The white team yelled; “We, uh, we like Wonder bread.”

Book motive
Owen Lafave, the ex of the hot teacher who slept with her 14-year-old-student, Debra Lafave, explained to Newsweek why he wrote a book about her titled; “Gorgeous Disaster.” Why? Gee, let me guess. It wouldn’t have something to do with money would it?