It is hard out here

Since you asked:
Not to blow smoke or log roll because they buy my jokes, “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” “Jeopardy” skit with that whacko Iranian president, Fidel Castro and George W. was off the hook. The guy who does Bush does Bush so well you have to shake your head to make sure it isn’t actually our Commander in Chief.

And not to be bitter because they turned down my sketch submission, but “Saturday Night Live” has half a year to come up with funnier skits than “TTSWJL” Jeopardy skit and they can’t. No, “SNL” is far too busy turning down my hilarious sketch of a uber cranky Donald Rumsfeld at a press conference becoming increasingly angry and condescending to the press as the press becomes more and more intimidated until they are like frightened children in front of an abusive and sadistic teacher.

The “Jeopardy” answer is Pluto and President Bush rings in with;

“What is the Spanish word for pollute? As in “Give a hooto, don’t Pluto.”

In my best Johnny, that’s uh, that’s good stuff.

Speaking of “TTSWJL” can we firmly include Justin Timberlake in “Things Lex Doesn’t Get”? Now, I know that I am not – nor have I ever been – a pre-teenage girl, but what the?

Time to play;

“Things that Lex Doesn’t Get”

Hummers. No married guy wisecracks, please.

Text Messaging

Gang-banger apparel (This is probably an age thing)

Keanu Reeves (He will forever be in the TTLDG hall of fame)

Crocs (I don’t care how comfy they are, they are too ugly to even be included into the so-ugly-they-are-cool category like Ugg boots, bull dogs and John C. Reilly)

Maria Carey. I see why some people do like her, I just don't.

Madonna (She holds the record for the longest running member of TTLDG, but she does look great)

Cell Phone camera shots (Unless you got a picture of Sasquatch doing it with Nessie, the Loch Ness monster or Carmen Electra doing an S& M bondage roll play thing with Kate Hudson, keep it to yourself)

Comedians who are too hip to want to be funny.

Musicians who are too hip to want to make and play good music (these last two could be age things)

Feng Shui (“Sunlight and cross ventilation are good things? Get out of here. Let me pay you out the tookus to tell me that”)

Paris Hilton. Does anyone, and I mean anyone, not despise her with the hot hatred of ten Suns? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Kitsch. When did crap become so cool? (See: Paris Hilton)

Bed- head. This is just me being bitter because I was the bed-head pioneer in the Seventies and Eighties and got no love before launching the careers of Jimmy Falon and Dane Cook. No love, in fact, ridicule. It’s true, *geniuses go unappreciated in their lifetime. Shout out to Vinny Van Gogh.

Decidedly not hot chicks dressing like hot chicks. Now, I know this is the epidemic of entitlement, but, for the love of decency, look in a mirror before you leave the house.

"SNL's" Horatio Sanz. Yes, that skit "I'm Carol" was once funny for a couple minutes until the wooden acting and obvious prompter reading inevitably made it not funny. Color this as jealousy of the cabbage that NBC tosses at you if you want, but Hor, buddy, amigo, please, for the love of decency, give back that picture you have of Lorne Michaels doing it with a goat. We've got a great show for you so stick around.

* A little A.l.B.b. insight: while I was including myself with my fellow geniuses, I had to have spell check correctly spell geniuses for me. Oh, thy comedy, thou art a sarcastic and caustic bitch.

Peace, roll out wit' da shout out, yooooooooooooooooooooo.