Monday, September 18, 2006

We random with the abandon up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Irony Mike
Mike Tyson has a job shadowboxing for visitors at a Las Vegas hotel. That should be a great fight because Tyson is a shadow of his former self.

Don’t mention it
Britney Spears had a baby boy. It was a little awkward, when they informed Britney the baby was born by Caesarean, Britney said, “Thank Dr. Caesarean for me.’

It was a little awkward, when they informed Britney that the baby was born via Caesarean section, Britney said; “I thought we were in the maternity ward?”

Now that is fast
A survey claims that 20% of men suffer from premature ejaculation; and 5% of those men ejaculate so quickly they travel back in time.

A survey claims that 20% of men suffer from premature ejaculation. Another survey reveals that women think the other 80% of those men are lying.

First time caller, long time fearer
Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem are launching an all-woman all talk radio show. I think the call letters are W-PMS, The Scare On the Air.

Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem are launching an all-woman all talk radio show. I’m going to go on a limb and say they aren’t going to sell a lot of advertising time to Hooters Restaurants.

What are the odds?
Segway Scooters have been recalled due to a glitch in their software that can cause a rider to get thrown off. It’s so bad that one Segway user was thrown so far he actually landed on top of a woman.

Religious expressions
President Bush said that there is a religious revival in America and that he notices more and more expressions of faith among the people he meets. As in; “Good lord, what are you doing?” And, “God, you’re approval ratings are low.” And “Why the hell are gas prices so high?”

A sure sign
There is a new device developed at Cal Tech that reportedly informs you if you are being boring in social situations. You know how it can tell if you’re boring? If you went to Cal Tech.

Our Lafaveorite
Did you see Matt Lauer interview the Florida teacher, Debra Lafave, who slept with the 14-year-old student? That teacher is so hot, if you listen to the interview carefully, you can actually hear the boy she slept with getting high-fives from his buddies.

Did you see Matt Lauer interview the hot Florida teacher, Debra Lafave, who slept with the 14-year-old student? When I was in high school even the shop teacher wouldn’t let me nail anything.

Did you see Matt Lauer interview the hot Florida teacher, Debra Lafave, who slept with the 14-year-old student? It was a tough interview, in fact, Matt Lauer was so mad at Debra Lafave for what she did, he demanded to spank her.

That drunk
San Diego Charger linebacker Steve Foley who was shot three times while approaching an off-duty policeman, had three times the legal limit of alcohol. To give you an idea how intoxicated somebody is three times the legal limit, they are so drunk they will go at a guy shooting a gun.

Uh, no sir, that’s not what, oh forget it
Once again, President Bush’s approval ratings are down. In an awkward moment, President Bush vowed to improve his approval rating by traveling to the city of Approval to settle his differences with the fine Approvalian people.

Not fair
This year’s CBS “Survivor” is divided by race, but political correctness is hurting the white team. The black team yells, “Win for Africa.” The Hispanic team yelled; “Go Chicanos!” The Asian team yells “Win for the Orient.” The white team yelled; “We, uh, we like Wonder bread.”

Book motive
Owen Lafave, the ex of the hot teacher who slept with her 14-year-old-student, Debra Lafave, explained to Newsweek why he wrote a book about her titled; “Gorgeous Disaster.” Why? Gee, let me guess. It wouldn’t have something to do with money would it?