Saturday, March 18, 2006

It is hard out here

Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant:

My cold kept me from St. Patty’ing the way a really white boy with Scotch/Irish blood should. Oh well, I feel good today and will try to work out.

New Pet Peeve. This goes along with those chunks of human cholesterol who are always standing in the way. Those idiots who look like they’re standing in line, you get in back of them and it turns out they aren’t in line but they didn’t bother to tell you. Come to think of it, this isn’t new, but it has been happening a lot.

When you discover they aren’t in line - because someone else walks up in front of you - you then miss your place in line, then you have to ask; “Excuse me, are you in line?” Then they say no, as if to say, why do you ask? It takes everything I’ve got not to ask;

“So why did you think I was standing right in back of you, you mindless gerbil?”

Blue spray paint. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. We need to have roving independent teams of Civil Decency Police who, when they catch these inconsiderate and rude offenders, issue a ticket and a huge fine – that pays the CDP’s salary - and the officers spray indelible blue ink on their forehead so the rest of us will know ahead of time that they are a-holes.

“Excuse me, do you know who I am?”

“Yes, you’re the putz with the blue-tinted forehead, now get back in line, you schmuck.”

Park in a fire zone? Blue paint. Balance your entire check book before you write a check in the Ten Items or Less line? Blue paint. Make a pedestrian walking in the rain stand and wait while you drive by high and dry? Blue paint plus an added bonus of a kick in the ass. Subject captive strangers to loud cell phone conversations? Blue. Stand at the front of a long line and ask the clerk a billion stupid questions you should have answered yourself before making everyone in back of you wait? Taken outside and then shot. Then spray their face. Hang a long slow diagonal parking lot walk on a waiting driver? So blue. Sit there with –way-too-good-for-you-tickets-behind-home-plate and wave like an utter moron at the TV camera to the friends talking to you on your cell phone? Dunked in a vat of blue ink.

You got the idea.

Kooking Korner
Making this tonight along with a rotisserie grilled brine marinated chicken. This sauce is courtesy of my Food Network feisty gal, Rachel Ray. I got your peanut sauce here, Rachel.

1/2 pound spaghetti 1/4 cup Tamari dark soy, eyeball it 1/4 rounded cup smooth peanut butter, softened in microwave 15 seconds on high 2 tablespoons cider or rice wine vinegar 1 tablespoon dark sesame oil, eyeball it 2 tablespoons hot sauce 2 cups shredded cabbage and carrot mix, available in produce department 1 cup bean sprouts or pea shoots, any variety, available in produce department 3 scallions, chopped on an angle 2 tablespoons sesame seeds

Last time I added mustard but I think it overpowered the peanut sauce. Add a tossed salad on the side with Oriental dressing and crunchy won ton noodles with Mandarin oranges and Bob is your g-damn freakin’ Mofizzy Uncle, my Homeizzy.

Notice how nobody e-mails on weekends? Why is that? Also traffic on my blog plummets on Saturday and Sunday. It is clear that it serves only as a work time waster to a select and successful few. Right on, Slats and Nuggies.

More crap you don't care about
For the first time I snowboarded with my iPod last trip in Park City and it was great. It was like starring in a really sad and pathetic Warren Miller movie;

“And here is Alex Kaseberg, watch as he comes over the top of a slightly- steeper-than-normal double blue and slows to perfect the whimpy falling leaf traverse. See how he pushes off all the fresh snow ruining that path for those who will follow?”

As the music plays, you get fired up and it could easily turn into a case of your brain writing checks your body cannot cash. (In the light and fresh powder of Utah, it actually occurred to me to launch some air. I am not a launch some air snowboarder) At one point AC/DC's "Noise Pollution" sent me rocketing into the trees. Bless the helmet.

But as I came in on the last run of the trip, Joe Walsh’s “Rocky Mountain Way” kicked in and it was more than kinda cool. Kinda cool.

Friday, March 17, 2006

It is hard out here

Erin go Braghizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

St Patty
Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Today is the day you get to drink booze and eat corn beef and cabbage all day. Or as Ted Kennedy calls that: Friday.

Got Bilk?
Northwest airlines is going to charge $15 if you want an aisle seat; and it’s another $30 bucks tacked on if both pilots pass the breathalyzer test.

Northwest Airlines is going to charge $15 if you want an aisle seat; not only that, but now if you want to join the mile high club there is a $500 membership fee.

Northwest Airlines is going to charge $15 if you want an aisle seat; In addition, a whack on the kneecap by the beverage cart now carries a $50 reflex testing charge.

That explains it
Jessica Simpson declined an invitation to meet President Bush at an LA republican fundraiser.
When asked if the Presidential affront was intentional, Jessica said, “No, I did it on purpose.”

Jessica Simpson declined an invitation to meet President Bush at an LA republican fundraiser. Jessica explained that she and President Bush will have more than enough time to spend together when they are seated together on the Heritage Think Tank.

Sounds familiar
Mexico eliminated team USA 2-1 to eliminate the host country of the World Baseball Classic. So Mexico gets to stay and USA has to go. Kind of like our immigration policy.

Repeat, not
“Failure to Launch” is number one at the box office and is about a guy in his thirties living with his parents. “Failure to Launch” is not, repeat, not a Metamusil commercial.

Who knew?
A Virginia high school math student recited 8,784 digits of the numeral Pi; it was awkward, when President Bush heard this he said; “I didn’t know there were that many different kinds of pies.”

Since you asked:
As silly and self-righteous as Scientologist Isaac Hayes quitting his role as Chef on “South Park” because of what he calls the growing insensitivity towards religion, specifically his religion, it brings up a great point. What with people being murdered because of a Danish cartoon, religious insensitivity is not what is growing, what is growing is hypersensitivity, religious or otherwise.

Since the dawn of political correctness and our current epidemic of over entitlement, anyone who objects to anything now feels justified – or entitled - in striking back in ways ranging from angry letters to litigation and even physical attacks and murder.

Should we submit to their emotional, legal and physical larceny and strive to be more sensitive to avoid conflict? No, these people will never be happy. Or I should say they will always be angry. What we need to do is continue to laugh at jokes and also laugh at how silly and pathetic their anger over a joke is, all the while being careful to protect ourselves from the truly crazy ones.

Didya hear this one?

How many Frenchman does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: One to screw it in, one to open the bottle of wine and one to surrender to the newly illuminated Germans.

Something just occurred to me: half of me is half French and German. (1/4 is French, 1/4 German and or Prussian) This explains why I find myself surrendering to myself so darn often.

Although it could just be my charm and good looks.

It is hard out here

Making new friends all up in the Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Got Bilk?
Northwest airlines is going to charge $15 if you want an aisle seat; that’s nothing, heaven forbid they have engine trouble, you should see what they are going to charge for a parachute.

For my new French friends
In a demonstration against a labor law, French students clashed with Paris police; there was an awkward moment when the students charged the police: both sides surrendered at the same time.

The Paris police threw tear gas but all that did was relieve the mob’s overwhelming body odor.

They won’t get this one either
Jessica Simpson declined an invitation to meet President Bush at an LA republican fundraiser. When asked if she was worried about being audited, Jessica said “No, I don’t drive an Audi.”

Nor this one
Jessica Simpson declined an invitation to meet President Bush at a LA republican fundraiser. When informed this was a breach of protocol, Jessica apologized to the people of Protocol.

They will think Yanni is a sleeping aid
Last week, new age singer Yanni was tossed in jail for allegedly slapping his girlfriend; if guilty Yanni could be sentenced to six months of listening to his own music.  

They will get this but it will upset their tender and sensitive nature
President Bush has hit a new approval rating low of 33%. To show how bad that is, the WBC Korean baseball team is more popular with Labrador retrievers.  

No chance they get this one
President Bush has hit a new approval rating low of 33%. To show how low that is that that is even less popular than McDonalds new McMad Cow Burger.

Puisque vous avez demandé (Since you asked)
If you’ll scroll down to the March 8th “Since you asked” you will see my comments about humorless humor critics. There is a new low in humorless humor critics. French humor critics. This Anti-French bashing website has been lancer me sous l'autobus (throwing me under the bus) for three days including truly angry e-mails. It has been fun but my favorite was the French guy who said;

“You are a vile pig anti-French bigot racist and I despise you and all of you stupid a##hole Americans.”

Not a keen sense of irony there I don’t think.  

And this to a guy who is one quarter French. My Dad’s Mother was a Boudreau, and 100% French. In fact, her cousin was Hall of Fame baseball player Lou Boudreau.  

Any more comments please keep them coming:

Thursday, March 16, 2006

It is hard out here

Since you asked:
Every now and then life tosses you one of those transcendent moments and I caught one tonight. On a beautiful early gloaming evening in the park after a run and playing soccer with my daughter, Ann Caroline, I taught her how to ride her bike on the grass. She was riding in five minutes. The only person more excited than her was me. The feelings flooded over with excitement mixing with immense pride and softened with a hint of sadness that she is growing up so fast.

Granted we came late to the bike riding party as she is already seven, but she took to like the proverbial duck to water.

Now if San Diego State can beat Indiana this will be a night for the ages. Oh, hell, it already is. Today I pissed off a lot of French pains-in-the-ass. What more can a man ask for?

It is hard out here

We all up in those funky frogizzy grills, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Time to go
Mike Wallace is retiring from “Sixty Minutes” at age 87.  He wanted to retire before he got so old he had to become a CBS viewer.

You know when Wallace knew it was time to retire? When he started getting so old he was actually agreeing with Andy Rooney.

Mike Wallace is retiring from “Sixty Minutes” at age 87. Mike Wallace wants to rest up a before he has to start rigorously dating Anna Nicole Smith.

Did you see “The Sopranos”? Tony got shot by Junior. And next episode, Junior gets shot by Dick Cheney.

Did you see “The Sopranos”? Tony got shot by Junior in the stomach. Tony’ stomach is a target so big even Dick Cheney wouldn’t miss that.  

History lesson
You know what happened on this date in 44 B.C.? Julius Caesar was killed. He went on a quail hunt and was shot by his vice president.

So Long Mikey
Mike Wallace is retiring from “Sixty Minutes” at age 87.  He wanted to retire on the anniversary of the first story he covered: the murder of Julius Caesar.

That is fast
Rumor has it that Britney Spears is pregnant again. Wow, that’s amazing, I mean she just barely had time to teach her other baby how to drive.    

Kinda like that
Authorities shut down the Neverland Ranch over lapsed employee insurance. Closing down the Neverland Ranch for unpaid bills is like arresting Osama bin Laden for ripping off a mattress label.

Banana hammock
In several different interviews, Shaquille O’Neal has revealed that he wears thong underwear. And not just any thong, Shaq’s tailor custom makes them out of Cost Co Hammocks.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

It is hard out here

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

It is hard out here

Comedian Lisa Lampanelli was on “TTSWJL” and she was talking about how she was performing at a comedy show and a couple got up and ran out. She said she was upset that they didn’t like her act but then she heard it was because their friend had been in a car accident, so she thought, well, thank goodness.

That pretty much sums up the entire comedy thing.

It is hard out here

Oh yes, even though it was hard out there for a pimp, this here managed to get him some sick, sick, sick, Snowboarding air. And by sick I mean dead and non- existent, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A lot, but not that much
A while ago, “The New York Post” claimed women in New York have more sex than women in any other city including Paris, France, but less sex than Paris Hilton.

Atta Girl
Paris Hilton has a CD coming out that includes the song “Screwed.” That’s right Paris, stick with what you know.

Paris Hilton has a CD coming out. Paris collaborated with Dr. Dre, Fat Joe and Jadakiss. They didn’t help with her CD, she just collaborated with them.

Good news, bad news
In the World Baseball Classic, Korea clobbered Team USA 7-3. However, team Korea is not doing well in the current Iditarod race in Alaska. For some reason, Korea’s sled team is missing six dogs and their driver has mysteriously gained Sixty five pounds.

In the World Baseball Classic, Korea clobbered Team USA 7-3. In short, the Koreans pounded the US like it was tenderizing a Pit Bull flank steak.

Not good numbers
And President Bush’s approval rating is at an all time low. In fact, less people now approve of Bush than there are people who approve of selling President Bush to Dubai.

A man in Australia was cited for driving 25 miles backwards. On the bright side, President Bush has found his next Iraq exit strategy advisor.

Cruising for a bruising
A congressional panel was told that over 24 people have disappeared from cruise ships over the last two years. They’re not positive but they think the people may have fallen overboard or they’ve been devoured during a midnight buffet feeding frenzy.

Gone too far
In Mesa Arizona, a deputy fire chief was caught having sex with a sheep; they were going to give him a suspended sentence but then they examined the evidence and game him six months in jail. Apparently that was one ugly sheep.

Too bad
A former senior White House advisor, Claude Allen, was arrested for stealing items from Target and Hecht stores and returning them for cash refunds. He would have gotten away with it but when they finally confronted him, he didn’t have an exit strategy either.

A sure sign of trouble
The head of neurology at Oakland had to be restrained and arrested for being too drunk to operate. They suspected he was drunk when he tried to take a hit off the anesthesiologist’s tube.

Don’t be confused
“Failure to Launch” is number one at the box office. “Failure to Launch” is about a guy who lives with his parents, “Failure to Launch” is not a Viagra instructional video.

“Failure to Launch” is number one at the box office and features a naked Terry Bradsaw; due to Bradshaw’s nude scene, the working title was “Backbacon Mountain.”

The number one movie is “Failure to Launch” which about a guy who lives with his parents too long; you can tell you’ve been living with your parents too long when they get mad at you for using their Depends.

The number one movie is “Failure to Launch” is about a guy who lives with his parents too long; you can tell you’ve been living with your parents too long when they ground you by taking the keys to your Rascal Scooter.

“Shaft” singer, Isaac Hayes, quit his role of Chef on “South Park” because they made fun of his religion, Scientology. Hayes had no problem with “South Park’s” animated Holiday feces called Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo, but don’t mess with Scientology.

Back to Launch
In “Failure to Launch,” Terry Bradshaw appears naked. Here is my question: Why? Was Dick Cheney busy?

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Albert Einstein was born on this day in 1879. Upon hearing this, President Bush replied; “Hey, a lot of people call me Einstein, you know. As in “Nice Iraq exit strategy, Einstein.”

Again, not good
President Bush’s popularity rating is so low, it now officially has to be called President Bush’s unpopularity rating.

Since you asked:
What a great time in Park City. Great weather, amazing conditions, fabulous digs, great food and a great, great group of people. We had thirteen and it went as smoothly and was as fun as possible. Not to mention that I snowboarded like a god. Well, if the god was a no-longer-young and not very aggressive snowboarder.

As I was a snowboarder, and thus a wretched outcast from the archaic ski only policy at Deer Valley, I took the rented van down to Park City while our skiers left from the house at Deer Valley. After the first day of boarding with my skier wife – yes, we have a mixed marriage, I board, she skis – we returned up the mountain road just in time to run into all the other skiers coming off the slopes. They were ecstatic that we could save them the several hundred yards uphill walk in boots and carrying skis and poles to the house.

On the last day back I parked to pick up the last two skiers and parked and walked from the street down to slope on to the ski run at Deer Valley. As I stood just off to the side of the run, a woman skier skiing past me pointed right at me and yelled to her friends behind her:

“Hey, look at that big moose, will yah?”

Just as I was about to yell; “Oh yeah, well screw you, you fat mouthed b*tch” I turned around to discover I was standing down and in front of a huge brass sculpture of a Moose.

Since you asked, you won’t believe me version
Guess who I stuck out my big paw and shook mitts with in Park City? You got it, none other than the Flying Freakin’ Tomato himself: Shaun White. He was there for a big half pipe competition and he was standing outside of my favorite restaurant in Park City, the Baja Cantina. Walked up to him, told him I lived in Carmel Valley, where he used to live, and congratulated him on the gold medal. What a nice, friendly, guy but what a young kid. My word. And the women that were in his entourage? Oh yes, it’s good to be the Tomato.

Since you asked, tres
Why are people questioning what should be done with Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Raphael Palmeiro, and all the known steroid cheaters in baseball?

Back when baseball had a commissioner with an intact spine, Bart Giamatti banned Pete Rose from baseball and the Hall of Fame with the same quality of information on Rose’s gambling that we now have on Bonds and all the others: testimony from fairly reliable and a few unreliable witnesses.

Baseball is not a government where you to have proof in a legal system beyond a reasonable doubt before you can punish or banish; baseball is a private organization. Nobody has the inalienable right to play Major League baseball, it is a professional privilege bestowed on the talented few. As with any club or company, if the commissioner or president has reliable information that the organization’s rules have been violated, it is incumbent upon that commissioner or president to fire the rule violator. Just as Giamatti did with Rose.

If baseball really wants to help stop children from using steroids or other drugs, they have to scare the public out of using drugs with harsher penalties than a ten day suspension.

Baseball also has to keep known cheaters out of their Hall of Fame and that includes Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire and especially Barry Bonds.