Saturday, October 15, 2005

We go on the down low, that's how we roll, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Excuse me, can I ask you a few questions? Well, that’s not very nice.”
Nearly 70 % questioned in an Associated Press-Ipsos poll said people are ruder than they were 20 years ago. The other 30 % told the polls-takers to go screw themselves.

One of the chief culprits are obnoxious cell phone users, people who annoyingly talk loudly right in the middle of (ring, ring) oh, sorry, I gotta take this. WHAT? SPEAK UP.

One of the chief culprits were obnoxious cell phone users but only 8% admitted to being obnoxious cell phone users. The other 92% said they had to take this call.

Rocky Kidney Stones
Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 during the filming of “Rocky 6” I think this one is called “The Fight to Remember Where I Parked.”

Can’t wait
President Bush has assigned an FBI anti-obscenity task force and declared a war on pornography. You know what I am looking forward to? The War on Pornography playing cards. Can’t wait to see the Queen of Diamonds.

A 39-year-old Arkansas woman had her 16th child. In a related story a Chuckie Cheese opened in the woman’s uterus.

A 39-year-old Arkansas woman had her 16th child. My lord, Michael Jackson’s prosecutor couldn’t produce that many children.

This is stupid, but I like it
The rumor is Hollywood is that Al Pacino is dating Kirstie Alley. When asked to comment, Pacino said; “I can’t breath.”

Al Gore announced he will never run for president ever again. Then Al asked the next Starbucks customer if they wanted a Venti or a Grande.

Or something like that
There is a new James Bond, British actor Daniel Craig will be the first blonde-haired Bond. The blond Bond will be different. Instead of being called double oh seven, the blond Bond is zero, zero, and this many: (holding up seven fingers)

We kid the Garden State
It has been raining like crazy back east. In New Jersey, there is so much rain water that Newark Bay isn’t even considered flammable anymore.

Yankee fans are furious at Alex Rodriguez for playing so poorly in the playoffs and many of them have been insulting him in public. In fact, New Yorkers are so busy yelling at Rodriguez, they’re neglecting to tell the tourists to go screw themselves.

And Willy Nelson
An article that will be published in the Journal of Clinical Investigation claims that smoking marijuana can actually stimulate brain growth. In a related story, Snoop Dog just became the newest member of Mensa.

Blind date don’ts
There is a website that offers blind date tips called “Dr. Dave and Dee.” It suggests that guys should not tell dirty jokes. You know what else a guy should never say on a blind date?

Top Ten Things Guys Should Never Say On a Blind Date:

“It takes the lotion and it puts it in the basket.”

“The term sexual offender is so broad.”

“Does this look infected to you?”

“For the rest of the date, let’s talk only in Klingon.”

“Could you ask your sister for my lucky boxers back?”

“It really only hurts when I pee.”

“That bitch Paris Hilton dumped me.”

“That dress looks great. That reminds me, have you heard how fat Britney Spears has become?”

“You’re dreamy. Can I name my Gerbil after you?”

And the thing a guy should never say on a blind date:

“Nicknames are cute. Can I call you Hoobastank?”

Since you asked:
I hate it when you tell someone about some horrendous event you had, like a bike crash or a bad snowboard fall, and, because you didn’t actually die, they always say the same idiotic thing: “Wow, you were really lucky. It could have been worse.”

Oh yeah? Exactly what is so lucky about tumbling down an icy double black diamond run bouncing your head on the top of every mogul? Lucky? No, the guy sitting on the chairlift next to his new girlfriend Jessica Simpson with a winning lottery ticket in his wallet watching me hurtling down the mountain like Wiley Coyote, he’s lucky. Me? I got heavily screwed.

And it could have been worse? It could always be worse. Just because a flaming meteor didn’t crash into your living room that doesn’t mean you should feel grateful. And, as a caveat, never, ever, say; “At least things can’t get any worse.” You know what? Yes they can get worse, and if you say that, sure as hell, they will get worse.
(Polite golf applause)

Friday, October 14, 2005

What it is is what it do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Wyoming, rocker Tommy Lee was burned by the fireworks from his band Motley Cru. Lee wasn’t badly hurt, but he did say it was the first time he felt a burning sensation when not peeing.

Apologies Senior Lipe
One of the few things we know about Supreme Court Nominee Harriet Miers is that she has never been married and she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Good thing she’s a lawyer or she’d never get to screw anybody.

A sure sign
This bird flu is scary. You know what is one of the symptoms of bird flu? A sudden case of incontinence when you come near a statue.

That is correct, sir
The Chicago White Sox beat the LA Angels of Anaheim due to a bad dropped third strike call with two out at the bottom of the ninth. I don’t want to say that the umpire blew the call, but today the Angels are calling him Monica.

Doing what they do
Several Minnesota Vikings are in trouble because of a boat cruise that turned into a drunken sex party. The Vikings aren’t the only NFL team that is acting like their team name, the Chicago Bears have gone into hibernation and the Arizona Cardinals look like they have the bird flu.

Well, that’s something
Boy George was arrested for possession of cocaine. Did you see the picture of Boy George after his arrest? He’s bald, old-looking and bloated. The good news? They showed Boy George’s picture to Kate Moss and she swore off cocaine forever.

Boy George was arrested for possession of cocaine. Did you see the picture of Boy George after his arrest? Not good. The good news? He won the Elmer Fudd look-alike contest.

Uh, no, sir, that’s not what, oh forget it, A
It was awkward, when they asked President Bush what should be done about the avian flu, he said; “People will just have to stop drinking that expensive French avian water.”

How wet is it?
It is still raining in the northeast. In fact, in New York City, for an extra $20, the Times Square hookers will throw in a squeegee job.

It is still raining like crazy in the northeast. In fact, in New York City, when a tourist asks for directions, the locals have to stop and tread water to tell them to go screw themselves.

It is still raining like crazy in the northeast. In fact, the only reason New York and Boston aren’t flooded is because, during the playoffs, the Red Sox and the Yankees sucked so much.

Uh, no, sir, that’s not what, oh forget it, B
It was kind of embarrassing, when they asked President Bush about Supreme Court nominee Harriet Mier’s Evangelical beliefs, Bush said; “I think prison inmates should get Evangelical visits but only from their wives.”

Oh, we kid the president. Like I graduated from Yale with better marks than John Kerry?
The San Diego Zoo is holding a contest to name their baby panda. One of the most popular names they are considering is the Chinese name Bao Bai which means precious. The least popular name? The Chinese name Dum Dum which means: President Bush.

Jet Blue is offering a flight from New York to Boston for $25. That would be a good deal but the cab ride to New York’s LaGuardia airport costs a thousand bucks.

At least it isn’t really weird
The latest on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is that they are going to name their expectant baby Xenu after the galactic leader of Scientology. Apparently the name Screwed-Up-For-Life was already taken.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

She all kinds of fine, so we got your back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The nerve
At the Q awards in London, Yoko Ono made disparaging remarks about Sir Paul McCartney’s singing voice; that’s like Paris Hilton calling Joan of Arc a slut.

Must Flee TV
Al Qaeda is advertising to hire people with television experience. To apply you must have experience with editing, production assistance, voice work and at least three beheadings.

Al Qaeda is looking to hire people for television production work. That’s pretty bad when al Qaeda has to outsource from Hollywood because, as terrorists, they simply aren’t cruel and vicious enough to be TV executives.

Al Qaeda is looking to hire people for television production work. Maybe I could get a job at al Qaeda writing jokes? Hey, did you hear about the al Qaeda stand up comedian? He only bombed once.

Al Qaeda is looking to hire for television production work. They tried to hire a big Hollywood production team, but the terrorists couldn’t take all the vicious Hollywood back-stabbing.

How nice
Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers said that President Bush was the most brilliant man she has ever worked with. And here I had no idea Harriet used to work with the mentally challenged.

Looks familiar
One of the criticisms of President Bush Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers is that nobody knows where she stands on important issues. The other criticism of Harriet Miers? She looks like that mean principal I had in second grade.

Three New Orleans police pleaded not guilty to battery charges even though they were caught on Associated Press tape beating the man. The policemen were charged with several counts of assault and battery and ten counts of stupidity for hitting the guy while an A.P. camera is filming them.

Oh, yeah, well, that makes sense
Madonna has angered Rabbis in Israel. A song of Madonna’s mentions an ancient Jewish scholar. When asked if Madonna’s exploiting their religion is what made them angry, the Rabbis said; “No, we hate her annoying British accent.”

What the heck?
The relief efforts at the Afghanistan earthquake are going slowly. How slowly? Not even Sean Penn has arrived their yet.

Tootie Bootie
An early snowstorm dumped 20 inches of snow in Colorado. People haven’t seen this much white powder since Kate Moss’s birthday party.

Texas-El Paso football coach and ex-Alabama coach Mike Price reached a settlement with Time Inc. over a Sports Illustrated article recounting a night of drinking at a topless bar in Florida. Terms of the settlement were not disclosed other than that Price requested he be paid in ones.

Tootie Bootie 2
The rumor in Hollywood is that, after her most recent car accident, Lindsay Lohan went back into the smashed car to retrieve something. What did she retrieve? Let’s just say that Kate Moss called Lindsay and asked if she wanted to car pool.

Since you asked:
Desert Island Moves. Keira Knightly? Oh, my. In. Who is swimming? Sorry Jennifer Connelly. (Sorry Mark Snake) Saw you on Conan and you are more than a little weird. Not go-date-Matthew-McCanohoey weird, but still, a tad too goofy.

Can we get rid of one thing that Lex doesn’t get? Never got the whole accents-are-sexy thing. To me it seems you’d be spending all your time asking “Huh?” Women swoon when they hear Jude Law. Why? He’s a skinny, oily, balding guy.

Then I heard my girl, Keira. Oh, my. It’s a wonder butterflies and tiny white doves don’t spring from her mouth when she talks. Just the way she can say the word actually? Two words: Damn and it.

So here we are. My deserted island have-to-be-famous-to-count five:

Heather Graham, Keira Knightly, Julie Bowen, Carmen Electra, Denise Richards

So, so sorry Amanda Peete, you seem like a lot of fun, but Denise just edged you out.
Any comments?