Saturday, October 15, 2005

We go on the down low, that's how we roll, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Excuse me, can I ask you a few questions? Well, that’s not very nice.”
Nearly 70 % questioned in an Associated Press-Ipsos poll said people are ruder than they were 20 years ago. The other 30 % told the polls-takers to go screw themselves.

One of the chief culprits are obnoxious cell phone users, people who annoyingly talk loudly right in the middle of (ring, ring) oh, sorry, I gotta take this. WHAT? SPEAK UP.

One of the chief culprits were obnoxious cell phone users but only 8% admitted to being obnoxious cell phone users. The other 92% said they had to take this call.

Rocky Kidney Stones
Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 during the filming of “Rocky 6” I think this one is called “The Fight to Remember Where I Parked.”

Can’t wait
President Bush has assigned an FBI anti-obscenity task force and declared a war on pornography. You know what I am looking forward to? The War on Pornography playing cards. Can’t wait to see the Queen of Diamonds.

A 39-year-old Arkansas woman had her 16th child. In a related story a Chuckie Cheese opened in the woman’s uterus.

A 39-year-old Arkansas woman had her 16th child. My lord, Michael Jackson’s prosecutor couldn’t produce that many children.

This is stupid, but I like it
The rumor is Hollywood is that Al Pacino is dating Kirstie Alley. When asked to comment, Pacino said; “I can’t breath.”

Al Gore announced he will never run for president ever again. Then Al asked the next Starbucks customer if they wanted a Venti or a Grande.

Or something like that
There is a new James Bond, British actor Daniel Craig will be the first blonde-haired Bond. The blond Bond will be different. Instead of being called double oh seven, the blond Bond is zero, zero, and this many: (holding up seven fingers)

We kid the Garden State
It has been raining like crazy back east. In New Jersey, there is so much rain water that Newark Bay isn’t even considered flammable anymore.

Yankee fans are furious at Alex Rodriguez for playing so poorly in the playoffs and many of them have been insulting him in public. In fact, New Yorkers are so busy yelling at Rodriguez, they’re neglecting to tell the tourists to go screw themselves.

And Willy Nelson
An article that will be published in the Journal of Clinical Investigation claims that smoking marijuana can actually stimulate brain growth. In a related story, Snoop Dog just became the newest member of Mensa.

Blind date don’ts
There is a website that offers blind date tips called “Dr. Dave and Dee.” It suggests that guys should not tell dirty jokes. You know what else a guy should never say on a blind date?

Top Ten Things Guys Should Never Say On a Blind Date:

“It takes the lotion and it puts it in the basket.”

“The term sexual offender is so broad.”

“Does this look infected to you?”

“For the rest of the date, let’s talk only in Klingon.”

“Could you ask your sister for my lucky boxers back?”

“It really only hurts when I pee.”

“That bitch Paris Hilton dumped me.”

“That dress looks great. That reminds me, have you heard how fat Britney Spears has become?”

“You’re dreamy. Can I name my Gerbil after you?”

And the thing a guy should never say on a blind date:

“Nicknames are cute. Can I call you Hoobastank?”

Since you asked:
I hate it when you tell someone about some horrendous event you had, like a bike crash or a bad snowboard fall, and, because you didn’t actually die, they always say the same idiotic thing: “Wow, you were really lucky. It could have been worse.”

Oh yeah? Exactly what is so lucky about tumbling down an icy double black diamond run bouncing your head on the top of every mogul? Lucky? No, the guy sitting on the chairlift next to his new girlfriend Jessica Simpson with a winning lottery ticket in his wallet watching me hurtling down the mountain like Wiley Coyote, he’s lucky. Me? I got heavily screwed.

And it could have been worse? It could always be worse. Just because a flaming meteor didn’t crash into your living room that doesn’t mean you should feel grateful. And, as a caveat, never, ever, say; “At least things can’t get any worse.” You know what? Yes they can get worse, and if you say that, sure as hell, they will get worse.
(Polite golf applause)