Tuesday, October 11, 2005

She all kinds of fine, so we got your back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The nerve
At the Q awards in London, Yoko Ono made disparaging remarks about Sir Paul McCartney’s singing voice; that’s like Paris Hilton calling Joan of Arc a slut.

Must Flee TV
Al Qaeda is advertising to hire people with television experience. To apply you must have experience with editing, production assistance, voice work and at least three beheadings.

Al Qaeda is looking to hire people for television production work. That’s pretty bad when al Qaeda has to outsource from Hollywood because, as terrorists, they simply aren’t cruel and vicious enough to be TV executives.

Al Qaeda is looking to hire people for television production work. Maybe I could get a job at al Qaeda writing jokes? Hey, did you hear about the al Qaeda stand up comedian? He only bombed once.

Al Qaeda is looking to hire for television production work. They tried to hire a big Hollywood production team, but the terrorists couldn’t take all the vicious Hollywood back-stabbing.

How nice
Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers said that President Bush was the most brilliant man she has ever worked with. And here I had no idea Harriet used to work with the mentally challenged.

Looks familiar
One of the criticisms of President Bush Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers is that nobody knows where she stands on important issues. The other criticism of Harriet Miers? She looks like that mean principal I had in second grade.

Three New Orleans police pleaded not guilty to battery charges even though they were caught on Associated Press tape beating the man. The policemen were charged with several counts of assault and battery and ten counts of stupidity for hitting the guy while an A.P. camera is filming them.

Oh, yeah, well, that makes sense
Madonna has angered Rabbis in Israel. A song of Madonna’s mentions an ancient Jewish scholar. When asked if Madonna’s exploiting their religion is what made them angry, the Rabbis said; “No, we hate her annoying British accent.”

What the heck?
The relief efforts at the Afghanistan earthquake are going slowly. How slowly? Not even Sean Penn has arrived their yet.

Tootie Bootie
An early snowstorm dumped 20 inches of snow in Colorado. People haven’t seen this much white powder since Kate Moss’s birthday party.

Texas-El Paso football coach and ex-Alabama coach Mike Price reached a settlement with Time Inc. over a Sports Illustrated article recounting a night of drinking at a topless bar in Florida. Terms of the settlement were not disclosed other than that Price requested he be paid in ones.

Tootie Bootie 2
The rumor in Hollywood is that, after her most recent car accident, Lindsay Lohan went back into the smashed car to retrieve something. What did she retrieve? Let’s just say that Kate Moss called Lindsay and asked if she wanted to car pool.

Since you asked:
Desert Island Moves. Keira Knightly? Oh, my. In. Who is swimming? Sorry Jennifer Connelly. (Sorry Mark Snake) Saw you on Conan and you are more than a little weird. Not go-date-Matthew-McCanohoey weird, but still, a tad too goofy.

Can we get rid of one thing that Lex doesn’t get? Never got the whole accents-are-sexy thing. To me it seems you’d be spending all your time asking “Huh?” Women swoon when they hear Jude Law. Why? He’s a skinny, oily, balding guy.

Then I heard my girl, Keira. Oh, my. It’s a wonder butterflies and tiny white doves don’t spring from her mouth when she talks. Just the way she can say the word actually? Two words: Damn and it.

So here we are. My deserted island have-to-be-famous-to-count five:

Heather Graham, Keira Knightly, Julie Bowen, Carmen Electra, Denise Richards

So, so sorry Amanda Peete, you seem like a lot of fun, but Denise just edged you out.
Any comments? lexkase@san.rr.com