Friday, July 01, 2005

Check out the big dogosity on us, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
There was a third shark attack in Florida. To show you how bad it is, thousands of morons are trading in their pitt bulls for Florida sharks.

In honor of his last appearance at the British Open at St. Andrews, Scotland is putting Jack Nicklaus on a five pound note; in a related story, they are going to put John Daly on the 336 pound note.

Lucky dogs
Despite a series of losses, the San Diego Padres lead increases to 4.5 games. No matter how much they lose and screw up, the Padres continue to move ahead in their division: it’s called the Ben Affleck affect.

Ben Affleck married his pregnant girlfriend Jennifer Garner. If it’s a boy they are going to name the child Bennifer, if it’s a girl they’ll call her Jenjamin.

That last thing
Tomorrow begins the Tour De France with Lance Armstrong going for seven in a row. Why do we Americans admire Lance Armstrong so much? Is it because of his miraculous comeback from cancer? That’s a factor. Lance’s amazing toughness and athletic ability? That’s part of it. Is it because, when Lance wins the Tour de France, it infuriates the French? Bingo.

Last week, Russian President Vladimir Putin made off with New England Patriot owner Bob Kraft’s Super Bowl ring. When the Russian President is in Washington, President Bush insists he stay at the Ritz Carleton. That way Bush can endlessly repeat his “Putin on the Ritz” joke.

During their engagement in Paris, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ran up a $30,000 room service hotel bill. $30,000. Faking a relationship isn’t as cheap as it used to be.

No Shielding Tom
Brook Shields fired back at Tom Cruise’s “Today Show” anti-drug-for-depression comments calling it a “ridiculous rant.” Shields really is furious. In fact, if she runs into Cruise at a restaurant, she has half a mind to knock him right out of his booster seat.

Brook Shields fired back at Tom Cruise’s “Today Show” anti-drug-for-depression comments calling it a “ridiculous rant.” Shields is pretty steamed. She said if she was Katie Holmes she would have placed Tom in a time out.

Shields is pretty upset at Tom Cruise. They ran into each other at a restaurant and Shields wouldn’t even get Tom’s coat off the coat rack for him.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

You want drama? Oh yeah, we got the drama up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Spain has legalized gay marriage; to mark the occasion, the city of Pamplona has announced it is replacing “The running of the bulls” with “The running of the Shitzu’s.”

Anger issues
Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers shoved two camera men yesterday ; a couple of weeks earlier, Rogers punched a water cooler and broke his little finger. He can’t get away with that, just who does this guy think he is, Russell Crowe?

Five finger discount
Russian President Vladimir Putin walked off with Patriots owner Robert Kraft's diamond-encrusted Super Bowl ring. Apparently, Putin had been upset that Kraft had cheated on him with a room service waitress.

Apparently this isn’t a first, allegedly the Russian President has been freely taking things and “Putin” stuff in his pocket for a while.

This also explains the missing silverware and ash treys at the White House.

Apparently Putin mistakenly thought that Kraft had offered him the ring, so he took it; the same mistake used to happen all the time at the White House when Bill Clinton would meet somebody’s wife.

Sounds familiar
Jenny McCarthy will host a new show on “E” titled “Party At the Palms.” Or, as a lot of guys call, “Party at the Palms,”a new issue of Playboy magazine.

Excited about the Fourth of July? It was kind of awkward when they asked President Bush what he was doing for the Fourth of July, Bush said; “I’m not sure, what’s the date of that holiday?”

Back to work
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner got married. The couple plans to take some time for their honeymoon, but then Ben has to hurry back to resume making truly awful movies.

Help a brother out, Tom
It’s been kind of a slow news day. To show you, today, in fact, Tom Cruise didn’t even say or do one thing that was really, really creepy.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Snaps it back and hold, baby one more time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That bored, eh?
Canada is all set to approve gay marriage. Gay marriage has already been approved in Belgium and in the Netherlands. Oddly, gay marriage has not been approved in Lichtenstein.

This is great news for all the gay people in Canada. All seven of them.

Oh, the horror
“American Idol” dirt bag Corey Clark, who wrote that he slept with Paula Abdul, was arrested for a plate throwing food fight with his business manager, Laura Kathleen Troy. The fight started when Troy suddenly screamed in horror; “Oh my lord, I am Corey Clark’s business manager.”

This plate throwing incident could come back to haunt Clark when he goes for his next big gig: bus boy at Denny’s.

Get it?
An Italian newspaper reports that Adolf Hitler was the inventor of the blow-up sex doll to keep German soldiers away from brothels and sexual diseases. That’s ironic. Prior to that, Hitler was credited with stopping Germany’s inflation.

Enough with this guy
Tom Cruise told a German newspaper that he believes there are space aliens. For once, I have to agree with Tom, not only do I now believe there are space aliens, but I am fairly positive that Tom Cruise is one of them.

Tom Cruise told a German newspaper that he believes there are space aliens. For someone who doesn’t approve of anti-depression drugs, Cruise sure is pushing his publicist to use them.

Give them that
Oprah Winfrey was refused entry to the exclusive Hermes store in Paris. Say what you want about the French, at least their rudeness at Americans isn’t biased towards the rich and famous.

Oprah was upset until she remembered that, from that moment on, she will still be Oprah and they will still have to be the French.

Baked big apple
It has been hot and muggy in New York. It is so hot, to keep cool, Donald Trump has taken to storing his toupees overnight in the freezer.

It is so hot and muggy in New York, the Mets are staying in the cellar of their division because it’s so cool down there.

What was I thinking?
President Bush gave his speech and said the war in Iraq is going pretty well. Yeah, apparently I’ve been following the wrong war. Silly me.

Of course, remember, this is a guy who says he won all of the Presidential debates.

Since you asked:

Anyone who wants to advertise on this blog, feel free to throw money at me. I'll tell you when to stop.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

We up and downloaded a case of the you-can’t-stop-it’s is what we done, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What are they feeding those movie stars?
A video reveals that, after hitting a hotel concierge in the face with a phone, Russell Crowe also threw a vase and then assumed a menacing martial arts position. I think Crowe is losing it, because he then jumped up on a couch and shouted he was in love with Katie Holmes.

Pfizer, the manufacturer of Viagra says that Viagra does not cause blindness. In a related story, thousands of able-sighted men cancelled their reservation to buy a seeing-eye dog.

Oh my word, what a relief . . . for all those other guys, I mean, not for me, nah. Nope.
Pfizer, the manufacturer of Viagra says that Viagra does not cause blindness. This is great news for everybody but Prince Charles.

Twice bitten four time shy
Tragically, there was another shark attack in Florida, the second in as many days. In a related story, sales have plummeted in Miami of Coppertone’s new Prime Rib scented sun block.


In a related story, sales have plummeted in Miami of Coppertone’s new Chum-scented sun block.

Bad news kinda good news
In sad news, the voice of Tigger, 82-year-old Paul Winchell, and the voice of Piglet, 80-year-old John Fiedler, both died. On the bright side, the guy who was the voice of Christopher Robin finally came out of the closet.

The right man for the job
The Supreme Court is split on displaying the Ten Commandments. This is a highly complicated issue involving church and state with complex religious and civil liberty implications. There is clearly only one person smart enough to understand all of this: Tom Cruise.

She can only do so much
In the movie "Bewitched," when Nicole Kidman's character finally confesses that she is a witch, Will Ferrell's character, initially not believing her, responds, "Guess what? I'm a Clipper fan." To which Kidman’s character should have answered, “Sorry, can’t help you, I’m a witch, not God.”

Just as helpful
Did you hear that Tom Cruise said women with post partum depression should exercise and not take drugs? He’s gone too far. Now Tom Cruise proscribes that women who suffer from schizophrenia, to get better, should dance in their underwear to “Old Time Rock and Roll.”

This just in: for those millions of women who suffer from anorexia, Tom Cruise has proscribed a cure: Eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

At this point even Michael Jackson thinks Tom Cruise is barking mad.

Hate to hear that
Virginia Gov. Mark Warner broke his hand riding his bike. The embarrassing part? He broke it when a ran over the bike of a fallen President Bush.

Since you asked:
It is official. Tom Cruise has gone from odd-ball, to whacky, to nutty and, suddenly, despised psycho all in a couple weeks.

Forget all the affected, B.S. Katie Holmes garbage, when a clearly megalomaniacal pompous midget first says, in referencing fatherhood: “Not until you experience it can you understand it” to two minutes later spewing that women who suffer from post-partum depression should not take any drugs; this has officially placed Cruise in that rare pantheon of pains-in-the-ass actors who I will not spend a dime to see ever again.

First, of course, is Madonna, followed by Barbra Streisand, Michael Moore, Dustin Hoffman, Woody Allen, Ben Kingsley and now Tom Cruise.

Anyone who doubted the importance of a competent and professional Hollywood publicist before Cruise’s melt-down has to have changed their mind. Cruise fired his now revealed genius publicist, Pat Kingsley, and hired his sister. How did that work out?

Another thing we’ve learned is just how crazy big-shot movie stars actually are. You think Russell Crowe and Courtney Love are a little off? Multiply it times fifty and you have a better idea.

How does this happen? Is it the Howard Hughes syndrome? Do movie stars get so rich, so secluded, so catered to that they actually lose grip with reality and slowly become insane? That has to be the answer.

What is the deal?
What would happen if you walked up to, oh, say a Starbucks clerk, sorry, Starbucks “partner” and asked for a non-fat latte and he said, “OK, it will be ready in four to six hours.”

The ubiquitous Starbucks would fold, right? How come pharmacists get away with that? They aren’t making the drugs. All the stuff is right there. Like everyplace else, you tell them what you want. Unlike everybody else, they have some snot in a doctor jacket giving you attitude. Just because you play doctor doesn’t make you a doctor.

And you can’t even walk up and ask for what you want at the pharmacist. You have to get your doctor to tell you to call the pharmacist and fax an order form to the doctor’s pharmacist who then sends the order to the doctor to be sent back to the doctor’s pharmacist who then sends it to the pharmacist.

What the hell?