Tuesday, June 28, 2005

We up and downloaded a case of the you-can’t-stop-it’s is what we done, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What are they feeding those movie stars?
A video reveals that, after hitting a hotel concierge in the face with a phone, Russell Crowe also threw a vase and then assumed a menacing martial arts position. I think Crowe is losing it, because he then jumped up on a couch and shouted he was in love with Katie Holmes.

Pfizer, the manufacturer of Viagra says that Viagra does not cause blindness. In a related story, thousands of able-sighted men cancelled their reservation to buy a seeing-eye dog.

Oh my word, what a relief . . . for all those other guys, I mean, not for me, nah. Nope.
Pfizer, the manufacturer of Viagra says that Viagra does not cause blindness. This is great news for everybody but Prince Charles.

Twice bitten four time shy
Tragically, there was another shark attack in Florida, the second in as many days. In a related story, sales have plummeted in Miami of Coppertone’s new Prime Rib scented sun block.


In a related story, sales have plummeted in Miami of Coppertone’s new Chum-scented sun block.

Bad news kinda good news
In sad news, the voice of Tigger, 82-year-old Paul Winchell, and the voice of Piglet, 80-year-old John Fiedler, both died. On the bright side, the guy who was the voice of Christopher Robin finally came out of the closet.

The right man for the job
The Supreme Court is split on displaying the Ten Commandments. This is a highly complicated issue involving church and state with complex religious and civil liberty implications. There is clearly only one person smart enough to understand all of this: Tom Cruise.

She can only do so much
In the movie "Bewitched," when Nicole Kidman's character finally confesses that she is a witch, Will Ferrell's character, initially not believing her, responds, "Guess what? I'm a Clipper fan." To which Kidman’s character should have answered, “Sorry, can’t help you, I’m a witch, not God.”

Just as helpful
Did you hear that Tom Cruise said women with post partum depression should exercise and not take drugs? He’s gone too far. Now Tom Cruise proscribes that women who suffer from schizophrenia, to get better, should dance in their underwear to “Old Time Rock and Roll.”

This just in: for those millions of women who suffer from anorexia, Tom Cruise has proscribed a cure: Eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

At this point even Michael Jackson thinks Tom Cruise is barking mad.

Hate to hear that
Virginia Gov. Mark Warner broke his hand riding his bike. The embarrassing part? He broke it when a ran over the bike of a fallen President Bush.

Since you asked:
It is official. Tom Cruise has gone from odd-ball, to whacky, to nutty and, suddenly, despised psycho all in a couple weeks.

Forget all the affected, B.S. Katie Holmes garbage, when a clearly megalomaniacal pompous midget first says, in referencing fatherhood: “Not until you experience it can you understand it” to two minutes later spewing that women who suffer from post-partum depression should not take any drugs; this has officially placed Cruise in that rare pantheon of pains-in-the-ass actors who I will not spend a dime to see ever again.

First, of course, is Madonna, followed by Barbra Streisand, Michael Moore, Dustin Hoffman, Woody Allen, Ben Kingsley and now Tom Cruise.

Anyone who doubted the importance of a competent and professional Hollywood publicist before Cruise’s melt-down has to have changed their mind. Cruise fired his now revealed genius publicist, Pat Kingsley, and hired his sister. How did that work out?

Another thing we’ve learned is just how crazy big-shot movie stars actually are. You think Russell Crowe and Courtney Love are a little off? Multiply it times fifty and you have a better idea.

How does this happen? Is it the Howard Hughes syndrome? Do movie stars get so rich, so secluded, so catered to that they actually lose grip with reality and slowly become insane? That has to be the answer.

What is the deal?
What would happen if you walked up to, oh, say a Starbucks clerk, sorry, Starbucks “partner” and asked for a non-fat latte and he said, “OK, it will be ready in four to six hours.”

The ubiquitous Starbucks would fold, right? How come pharmacists get away with that? They aren’t making the drugs. All the stuff is right there. Like everyplace else, you tell them what you want. Unlike everybody else, they have some snot in a doctor jacket giving you attitude. Just because you play doctor doesn’t make you a doctor.

And you can’t even walk up and ask for what you want at the pharmacist. You have to get your doctor to tell you to call the pharmacist and fax an order form to the doctor’s pharmacist who then sends the order to the doctor to be sent back to the doctor’s pharmacist who then sends it to the pharmacist.

What the hell?