Friday, March 04, 2005

Forgot to tell you this:

As I had just seriously tweaked my elbow and was done snowboarding for the day at Grand Targhee, Wyoming, I decided to check out a slalom race they had set up on the closest hill to the village. When I got to the plastic orange fencing on the side where the other spectators were standing, I saw that it was a children’s race.

These children –from about age four to seven-years-old - were fearlessly hurtling themselves down the course but still managing to barely make every gate. Then I saw the cutest little girl, about five-years-old, with long, blonde hair, just like my daughter, Ann Caroline. She was making her way through the gates a tad cautiously and slower than the others, but to much greater and more enthusiastic applause from the fans. Why? Her blind-skier guide had to yell out to her when to make her turns.

Bless her brave little heart, is all.

Oh, snap, it is on. It is on like an on thing that is really on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s not right
“Newsweek” put Martha Stewart’s face on a thinner model’s body? That’s not right. You can’t put your fat face on a thin model’s body unless you’re Donald Trump.

Be afraid
Jurors saw a police videotape of Michael Jackson’s bedroom, or as child psychiatrists call it: the
Chamber of Horrors.

In a police videotape, jurors saw that Michael Jackson’s bedroom is full of toys, mannequins, dolls, puppets as well as a Square Bob Sponge Pants figure. Well, I guess this settles it. Square Bob Sponge Pants is gay.

In a police videotape, jurors saw that Michael Jackson’s bedroom is full of mannequins and dolls, including a Square Bob Sponge Pants figure. That’s not the worst part. They found Michael’s DNA in Sponge Bob’s Square Pants.

Sing it, Elton, who is back?
I am really looking forward to seeing what Martha Stewart learned in prison. “No time to make a pie from scratch? Then give your bitch a beat-down and make her do it.”

“A shiv is great for aerating the soil in your herb garden.”

“How to choose the proper cocktail dress to compliment your new prison tattoos.”

“How to make wonderful hors d’oeuvres out of magic meat and chipped beef on toast.”

Martha Stewart will serve the rest of her sentence at her $40 million dollar 153 acre luxury estate. Upon which, the Martha Stewart estate servants asked; “What the hell did we do wrong?”

Martha Stewart will serve the rest of her sentence at her $40 million dollar 153 acre luxury estate. Is that fair? The only people who are really being punished by that sentence are Martha’s servants.

How do I get to conduct these kind of studies?
A study in the New England Journal of Medicine reports that, for men, staring at a women’s breasts for ten minutes is equal to working out at the gym for 30 minutes. How much would it suck to be picked for this study and end up being chosen to do the 30 minute work out part?

So that means if I do ten minutes at the gym on the treadmill while staring at the women’s breast next to me, that’s a forty minute workout. And a six month jail sentence.

A study in the New England Journal of Medicine reports that, for men, staring at a women’s breasts for ten minutes is equal to working out at the gym for 30 minutes. Another study revealed that guys who do studies prefer to do a study on staring at women’s breasts than anything else.

A damper on the big guy
Because Jay Leno might have to testify at the Michael Jackson trial, he might be under a gag order. Jay hasn’t had a gag order affect his jokes since, well, Monica Lewinski.

Such a deal . . .
The court said that, while under house arrest, Martha Stewart can leave home for up to 48 hours a week to shop or run other approved errands. She can leave home for 48 hours a week? That’s a sweeter deal than most of us married guys have. How do I get that?

Hate to see that
In California, a man was savagely attacked in the face by two angry escaped chimps. It appears Bubbles is really taking the Michael Jackson trial worse than we thought.

The Cos celeb
In responding to accusations of sexual harassment, Bill Cosby said he is sorry for any pain he caused his wife. Pain he caused his wife? When is he going to apologize for the pain he caused all of us with his ugly-assed sweaters?

Two examples of comedy collaboration with most of the credit going to Janice Hough:
A British court just ruled in favor of a 16 year old Muslim girl who wanted to attend school in traditional Burka that completely covered her from head-to-toe in black cloth. The court also requested that Camilla Parker Bowles do the same.

There was an awkward moment when Martha Stewart returned home; Martha caught her housekeeping staff blasting Martha’s boom box to Elton John’s “The Bitch is Back.”

Back to my shoddy solo stuff
There are going to be a lot of adjustments for Camilla Parker Bowles after she marries Prince Charles. For example, she’ll have to give up her job as Janet Reno’s body double.

Back to Martha “Good thing” Stewart
According to reports, Martha Stewart was well liked by the prison population. Prisoners said it was amazing how quickly Martha could decorate and clean a cell with just some flowers, candles, a mop and a shiv to her bitch’s neck.

And finally. Hey, stop that cheering. I mean it.
You have to admit, the nightly news will seem strange without Dan Rather. In Dan’s terms, CBS News will look plumb goofier than a straw-hat and bow-tie wearing circus geek eatin’ a banana on a train.

Since you asked:
It is contingent that comedy writers and comedians make fun of the pompous acts of the arrogant and powerful. There is no doubt in my mind that were I powerful, I would become arrogant and pompous, but as I am not, I get to lay into them unabashed. It’s fun, it’s easy and it’s fair. It’s fair because they asked for it. That is why jokes at the expense of Chelsea Clinton, for one example, were never funny but mean. She did not ask for her fame or her situation.

So why, you ask, is Camilla Parker Bowles is such an inviting target for nasty personal insults? Because she chose to put herself in the public eye. And it simply doesn’t get more pompous than any connection to the Royal family.

Because it is contingent that comedy writers and comedians make fun of the pompous acts of the arrogantly powerful, that is also why it becomes so deathly unfunny when comedians become pompous, arrogant and powerful themselves. Nobody can make fun of others for being exactly what they have now become.

That doesn’t mean all successful comedians become pompous and arrogant. Billy Crystal, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Chris Rock, Conan O’Brien, Steve Martin are just a few good examples of guys who I believe are grounded and yet still wildly huge and hilarious. They probably consider themselves fortunate to be blessed with talent and success and they appreciate the wonderful position that they have earned.

On the other hand, could Chevy Chase, Rosie O'Donnell, Eddie Murphy, Roseanne, Bill Cosby, Bill Maher and Jeanine Garafulo possibly have fallen faster and further from the heights of extreme funniness? (Ellen DeGeneris? Great comeback, that)

One of the first symptoms of pompous arrogance and an over-blown ego is when they truly believe that their opinions are not only more important than other people’s opinion’s – face it, we all think that – but that their overly-important opinions are so damn important that they must be shared with all those poor morons who aren’t as enlightened. Instead of entertaining, they now believe their job is to educate us poor slobs. (This well-written and spot-on observation aside, of course)

Terminally ass-kissed celebrities who are shocked and insulted when they are booed while gratuitously expressing their political opinions at performances just don’t get it. (Attention: Michael Moore) People are not booing their stand on the issues as much as they are booing the fact that they don’t want to hear these issues when they expect to be entertained. Most opinions are not entertaining, they are annoying. Including this one, for crying-out-loud.

If a celebrity wants to use their clout to raise money and support a candidate, I applaud that and they have every right to do that within the proper context, i.e. fundraisers and political meetings. When these haircuts and makeup in designer clothes start to go wrong and lose connection with their fans is when they foist their opinions on us.

That is why, Slats and Nuggies, I hereby give you my pledge:

If, God willing, I ever climb out from the dungeon of comedy poverty and obscurity, in which I so nobly wallow, to make it big on any level - as either a comedy writer or comedian - I swear by the all powerful Thor and Odin, I promise I WILL become pompous, arrogant, conceited, I will abuse my power, and, without question, I will foist my personal, political, as well as religious opinions on every single one of you until you are blue-stated in the face. That way you folks can have as much fun making jokes about my hypocritical narrow behind as I have had making jokes about all of these other hypocritical idiots.

It’s all part of giving something back, and that’s what all the good people here at a.L.B.b. are all about.

(Polite applause)

Any comments or questions can be directed to:

As always, remember, the big guy may be strong, big, burly and a ruggedly handsome fine figure of a man, but he is still, like all comedy writers, needier than a lost Labradoodle puppy in the rain.

(Once again, polite applause)

Oh, and three last things:

Hoobastank, Hoobastank, Hoobastank.

Tomorrow: why my band growing up wase the Eagles. Felt I was too young and kind of missed the Beatles, loved the Stones and Led Zeppelin, but they were very British and there was a tad too much sexual ambiguity for my young homophobic mind. The Eagles looked like the cool jocks that could hang out with the heads in the smoking area had done up and started an awesome band. They had long hair, played in football jerseys and cowboy boots and wore wrist bands for crying out loud. Does it get cooler than that in 1974?

(Name the first band to start, like so many things, the football jersey and boots attire? You got it, Buffalo Springfield)

Guess I just did why my band growing up was the Eagles. Oh well, tomorrow will have to be another useless rant.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

This just in:
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are getting divorced. The coupled cited irreconcilable differences, which is a legal term meaning: He was also dating Angelina Jolie.

I haven't recovered from the Brad Pitt/ Jennifer Aniston break up and now Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards? This officially makes 2005 the "Good looking people who are sick of having sex with each other" year.

We get crizzy for rizzy for the fun-duckets up in the hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How snowy was it?
They had a huge snowstorm back east. In fact, it’s so snowy, back east is whiter than a jury of Michael Jackson’s peers.

Poor Baretta
I feel sorry for Robert Blake. First he couldn’t find anyone to shoot his wife and now with the Michael Jackson case, he can’t find any journalists to shoot his trial.

So to speak . . .
A man is suing his girlfriend for $7,000 for destroying his porno collection. Apparently he feels that, when it comes to trying to replace his old porno collection, the new stuff just can’t beat it.

Apparently that is a crime
Police in Denver had to use a taser gun to subdue a man who had too much food at the Chuckie Cheese buffet line. The official charge was impersonating Ruben Stoddard.

Can’t figure this one out
Randy Moss is now an Oakland Raider. For some reason, Moss blamed his problems with the Minnesota Vikings on the fact that Jude Law has been in too many movies.

Moss is a perfect fit for the Raiders: he gives them a deep threat, he has a Raider-like antagonistic attitude, and he comes complete with a full police record.

Who ever thought they would hear the term: Martha Stewart’s getting out of the slammer?
Martha Stewart gets out of prison Sunday. Time for the employees at Martha Stewart Living Inc. to start sweeping up the confetti, streamers and picking up the empty champagne bottles.
The party’s over.

Bad casting
Have you seen the E Entertainment channel’s reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial? It doesn’t look very realistic to me. For example, I don’t think it was a good idea to cast “101 Dalmations” Cruella DeVille as Michael Jackson.

Sir Geek
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates will receive an honorary Knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II in a ceremony at Buckingham Palace today. Gates is now officially the Duke of Dorks.

It is pretty cool, Gates now has a fancy new Knight-like family crest on his pocket protector.

Sketchy terms
Kobe Bryant has settled his civil suit against his 20-year-old accuser. Terms of the deal are sketchy but involves a lot of cash and that she be traded to the Miami Heat.

But, seriously . . .
Aren’t you tired of these cliché meeting terms everyone uses, like synergy, proactive and outsource? The other night I asked my wife if she wanted to fool around and she told me to think outside the box.

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows her name
Have you seen the commercials for the new NBC “Law and Order, Trial by Jury”? I tell you, that Lilith from “Cheers” is amazing, she was a psychiatrist and now she’s a trial lawyer. Frasier was crazy to divorce her.

That last thing was probably it
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are getting divorced citing irreconcilable differences. He says their careers were the problem and she said, yeah, it may have been their careers, but more probably it had something to do with all of his hookers.

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are getting divorced citing irreconcilable differences. Apparently she objected to Chris Rock’s jokes about Jude Law, and he thought they were funny.

Adios, Danno
Dan Rather is retiring in six days. Or as Dan refers to it, his time is shorter than a hound dog on an Interstate with hankerin’ for semi-trailer truck tires.

Or as Dan refers to it, his time is shorter than then a tick on a badger burrowing in a mud hollow.

Like they need this
New York City cabs now have computers. This way the New York Cabbies can Google how to make suicide bombs.

You know the number one use of New York City Cab computers? Three words: Googling goat porn.

Covert intercept
The C.I.A. says it has intercepted a message from Osama bin Laden. Apparently Osama said he didn’t care for the Jude Law Oscar joke either.

Since you asked:

Pet peeve update.

Is it going to be necessary for me, at every single stop light, to wait and then politely tap my horn to get the person in front to stop dialing his cell phone and go after the light changes? Huh?

And I got another pet peeve. How about people who forward you an old bad joke - or some other crappy email -without putting any writing of their own on the email? Shouldn’t that be illegal? It would be like getting an article in the mail on red neck jokes with no letter or note attached.

Thanks to this pathetic blog, I am in touch with another fellow underpaid comedy writer, along with Janice Hough. Welcome Jim Barach. This guy's got skills.

Check it out:

And one more thing:

Is there a worse feeling than eating so many of your daughter's frozen thin mint Girl Scout cookies that your stomach hurts and you can’t go and work out? Why do I suddenly feel like I am in Seventh grade and Kylie Thompson just made fun of my braces and I won’t feel better until I eat the whole package of cookies before this re-run of “Gilligan’s Island” is over? Or is it "The Three Stooges"?

And one more one more thing:

Hoobastank, Hoobastank, Hoobastank.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Who’s feelin’ me, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

It needed one more thing
In Connecticut they have a naked Karaoke bar. Yeah, because a fat, drunk, sweaty insurance salesman singing “Feelings” out of key wasn’t quite unpleasant enough.

We kid the Royals
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates will receive an honorary Knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II in a ceremony at Buckingham Palace today. It’s basically a sort of a semi-Knighthood. The Royals got the idea of the semi-knighthood from Prince Charles’s semi-manhood.

Did you see Michael Jackson at the trial after the testimony of journalist Martin Bashir? Michael was mad, I haven’t seen Michael’s nose this out of joint since he actually had a nose.

Here are a few
Paris Hilton’s T-Mobile Sidekick was hacked and they put her messages on the Internet. Here are a few of the hacked Paris Hilton messages:

“Hey, Paris, had a good time on our date, but what’s with this burning urination thing?”

“Oh, great, you don’t answer your phone when I call, but when we made our sex video . . .”

“Paris, this is Nicole Richie, I’ve decided I should go it alone and skank solo.”

“Paris, you left a pair of panties at my house and I had to call in a damn HazMat team. Heh, heh, heh, just kidding. I know you’ve never owned a pair of panties in your life.”

Now that is just mean . . .
A 63-year-old Wisconsin man was charged with having sex with a cow. He got the idea from Prince Charles’s engagement to Camilla Parker Bowles.

Having sex with a cow is disgusting, to but the man’s credit, he did not ply the cow with alcohol or cow porn.

Is that really needed?
Millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett decided to go ahead with his attempt to fly around the world solo without refueling, despite a problem with the plane's fuel system. Here is my question: Do they really have to include the term millionaire adventurer? Who else could do this except bored rich guys? You never hear of Dwayne from shipping trying to fly solo around the world.

Do they really have to include the term millionaire adventurer? Who else could do this except bored rich guys? “Hmm, let’s see. Should I try and fly solo in a balloon or plane around the world, or should go to work at Radio Shack and pay the mortgage? Gosh. That’s a tough one.”

Awkward moment
A witness said that, during a video presentation at his trial, Michael Jackson wept and wiped his nose. Unfortunately, Michael’s assistant was holding his nose at the time and Michael had to ask for it back to wipe it.
If Ronnie isn't voted in today, I quit the Hall of Fame

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

This just in:
Did you see how surly actor Sean Penn objected to Oscar host Chris Rock’s joke about who is Jude Law? And just when Sean Penn was about to set a new personal record for going three consecutive hours without being a total pain-in-the-ass. He was so close.

Did you hear they are going to have a new Oscar next year? It will be awarded to the first movie to not have anything in it that offends Sean Penn.

Did you hear about Sean Penn’s next movie? It’s called; “Help. My Panties are in a Twist and I Can’t Get Up.”

When I’m a gonna get that back, I’m gonna get that back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ring it up
Attorneys in the Kobe Bryant civil suit say a cash settlement is in the works. Insiders say the settlement will be considerable, it could be anywhere between a five or seven karat diamond ring.

Oscar in the house
It was a great Oscar night for African Americans. Beyonce sang beautifully, Chris Rock did a great job as host, Morgan Freeman won best supporting actor, Jamie Foxx won best actor, and, during the course of the three hour show, Oprah Winfrey earned $322` million dollars.

Between the big wins for Morgan Freeman and Jamie Foxx, it was such a big Oscar night for African Americans, best director loser Martin Scorsese is changing his name to Martin Scor P. Sizzy.

A US prosecutor has told a jury how pop star Michael Jackson showed a boy porn and plied him with wine. Or as Michael calls that: spending quality time.

One more person
Did you see Hillary Swank’s Oscar acceptance speech? She thanked everybody. Then she took one look at the back of her low-cut dress and remembered to thank her plumber.

It’s been two days since the Oscars and they still can’t get the smell out of Michael Moore’s limo.

I guess so
The rumor from Buckinham Palace is that the Queen will not attend the wedding of Prince Charles and Camille Parker Bowles. Apparently, like President Bush, the Queen is also against gay marriage.

Not like Mullah used to make
In Wharton TX, two middle-eastern-looking men threatened to blow up the Pentagon because they didn’t like their meal at McDonalds. Yeah, apparently McDonalds new goat McJihads just weren’t up to snuff.

Try the soup
A principal in Washington D.C. middle school let animal welfare workers neuter 500 cats in the school cafeteria. You know what this means? They’re going to have Chinese food for over a month straight.

A perfect fit
Wouldn’t best actress winner Hillary Swank be the perfect girlfriend for Bill Clinton? Bill could be with a beautiful girl and, later with his wife, he wouldn’t have to worry about accidentally yelling out the wrong name.

Oh, let’s hope so
Did I read that Michael Jackson is accused of giving young boys Vodka? At least I hope Vodka is what they meant when they said the words Michael Jackson together with white liquor.

Not paying attention
I wasn’t paying attention to the Oscars when I heard Hillary Swank say “I’m just a girl from a trailer park with a dream.” I thought, wow, Anna Nicole Smith won an Oscar?

Strike three
Do you know what you call a Hollywood three time loser? Somebody who Michael Jackson didn’t ask to testify, Hilary Swank didn’t thank in her Oscar speech, and Robert Blake didn’t ask to shoot his wife.

A sure winner
With Oscar best actress wins by Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron, and Hillary Swank a new precedent is set: Take a beautiful actress and really uglier her up and win best actress. Look for next year’s best actress Oscar to go to Natalie Portman in the “Camilla Parker Bowles” story.

Attention deficit whatever-it’s-called
Have you seen that commercial for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder drug? It asks if your mind feels like the channels are changing and you’re not controlling the remote. Or something like that, I didn’t see all of it, I changed the channel.

Everything must go
Remember the good old days in California real estate when you could move away but the house couldn’t?

Former Ohio State running back, Maurice Clarett, ran a pathetically slow 4.89 40 at the NFL Scouting Combine. How slow is that? There are hillside houses in Southern California that are moving faster than Clarett.

No truth
Here in California , the big department store chain Robinson-May is being bought by the huge retail firm, Federated. There is no truth to the rumor that the combined name of Robinson-May and Federated will be May-Rob Fed’s.

How high are they?
The ratings are in from the Oscars. Just to show you, the Oscar ratings are actually higher than the blood pressure of the FCC’s censor whenever Chris Rock spoke.

A rough one
The daya after the Academy Awards are rough ones in Hollywood. Today, in fact, there were over 322 separate cases of agents suffering from severe sucking-up-related injuries.

The day after the Oscars is so rough the only person in Hollywood who isn’t suffering at work is Michael Moore’s personal trainer.

Since you asked:
Back from snowboarding in Wyoming and am no worse for wear accept for chapped lips and a tweaked elbow tendon. My chin up goal is on orange alert.

Amazing trip. Great powder snowboarding the first day followed by my first ever view – in a total of three days there at that point – of the Grand Tetons. At the mansion/ranch we stayed at, we saw a bald eagle fish the river next to the ranch everyday, two female moose, geese, swans, ducks, grouse, elk, deer and trout jumping from the river. It was a critter palooza.

Oh, and one night, we had an amazingly bright full moon right smack over the Tetons. The moonlight lit up the snow like a silvery fire. Ansel Adams eat your dead heart out.

The bad news? The Trap bar in Grand Targhee might be a little low on the ol’ Jagermiester. Oh, and the iPod and its portable speakers were a hit during après. Much of the Stones' accoustic "Stripped."

Did you know there is actually no such word in the dictionary as gullible? It started as an expression and just caught on. Who knew?