Tuesday, March 01, 2005

This just in:
Did you see how surly actor Sean Penn objected to Oscar host Chris Rock’s joke about who is Jude Law? And just when Sean Penn was about to set a new personal record for going three consecutive hours without being a total pain-in-the-ass. He was so close.

Did you hear they are going to have a new Oscar next year? It will be awarded to the first movie to not have anything in it that offends Sean Penn.

Did you hear about Sean Penn’s next movie? It’s called; “Help. My Panties are in a Twist and I Can’t Get Up.”

When I’m a gonna get that back, I’m gonna get that back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ring it up
Attorneys in the Kobe Bryant civil suit say a cash settlement is in the works. Insiders say the settlement will be considerable, it could be anywhere between a five or seven karat diamond ring.

Oscar in the house
It was a great Oscar night for African Americans. Beyonce sang beautifully, Chris Rock did a great job as host, Morgan Freeman won best supporting actor, Jamie Foxx won best actor, and, during the course of the three hour show, Oprah Winfrey earned $322` million dollars.

Between the big wins for Morgan Freeman and Jamie Foxx, it was such a big Oscar night for African Americans, best director loser Martin Scorsese is changing his name to Martin Scor P. Sizzy.

A US prosecutor has told a jury how pop star Michael Jackson showed a boy porn and plied him with wine. Or as Michael calls that: spending quality time.

One more person
Did you see Hillary Swank’s Oscar acceptance speech? She thanked everybody. Then she took one look at the back of her low-cut dress and remembered to thank her plumber.

It’s been two days since the Oscars and they still can’t get the smell out of Michael Moore’s limo.

I guess so
The rumor from Buckinham Palace is that the Queen will not attend the wedding of Prince Charles and Camille Parker Bowles. Apparently, like President Bush, the Queen is also against gay marriage.

Not like Mullah used to make
In Wharton TX, two middle-eastern-looking men threatened to blow up the Pentagon because they didn’t like their meal at McDonalds. Yeah, apparently McDonalds new goat McJihads just weren’t up to snuff.

Try the soup
A principal in Washington D.C. middle school let animal welfare workers neuter 500 cats in the school cafeteria. You know what this means? They’re going to have Chinese food for over a month straight.

A perfect fit
Wouldn’t best actress winner Hillary Swank be the perfect girlfriend for Bill Clinton? Bill could be with a beautiful girl and, later with his wife, he wouldn’t have to worry about accidentally yelling out the wrong name.

Oh, let’s hope so
Did I read that Michael Jackson is accused of giving young boys Vodka? At least I hope Vodka is what they meant when they said the words Michael Jackson together with white liquor.

Not paying attention
I wasn’t paying attention to the Oscars when I heard Hillary Swank say “I’m just a girl from a trailer park with a dream.” I thought, wow, Anna Nicole Smith won an Oscar?

Strike three
Do you know what you call a Hollywood three time loser? Somebody who Michael Jackson didn’t ask to testify, Hilary Swank didn’t thank in her Oscar speech, and Robert Blake didn’t ask to shoot his wife.

A sure winner
With Oscar best actress wins by Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron, and Hillary Swank a new precedent is set: Take a beautiful actress and really uglier her up and win best actress. Look for next year’s best actress Oscar to go to Natalie Portman in the “Camilla Parker Bowles” story.

Attention deficit whatever-it’s-called
Have you seen that commercial for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder drug? It asks if your mind feels like the channels are changing and you’re not controlling the remote. Or something like that, I didn’t see all of it, I changed the channel.

Everything must go
Remember the good old days in California real estate when you could move away but the house couldn’t?

Former Ohio State running back, Maurice Clarett, ran a pathetically slow 4.89 40 at the NFL Scouting Combine. How slow is that? There are hillside houses in Southern California that are moving faster than Clarett.

No truth
Here in California , the big department store chain Robinson-May is being bought by the huge retail firm, Federated. There is no truth to the rumor that the combined name of Robinson-May and Federated will be May-Rob Fed’s.

How high are they?
The ratings are in from the Oscars. Just to show you, the Oscar ratings are actually higher than the blood pressure of the FCC’s censor whenever Chris Rock spoke.

A rough one
The daya after the Academy Awards are rough ones in Hollywood. Today, in fact, there were over 322 separate cases of agents suffering from severe sucking-up-related injuries.

The day after the Oscars is so rough the only person in Hollywood who isn’t suffering at work is Michael Moore’s personal trainer.

Since you asked:
Back from snowboarding in Wyoming and am no worse for wear accept for chapped lips and a tweaked elbow tendon. My chin up goal is on orange alert.

Amazing trip. Great powder snowboarding the first day followed by my first ever view – in a total of three days there at that point – of the Grand Tetons. At the mansion/ranch we stayed at, we saw a bald eagle fish the river next to the ranch everyday, two female moose, geese, swans, ducks, grouse, elk, deer and trout jumping from the river. It was a critter palooza.

Oh, and one night, we had an amazingly bright full moon right smack over the Tetons. The moonlight lit up the snow like a silvery fire. Ansel Adams eat your dead heart out.

The bad news? The Trap bar in Grand Targhee might be a little low on the ol’ Jagermiester. Oh, and the iPod and its portable speakers were a hit during après. Much of the Stones' accoustic "Stripped."

Did you know there is actually no such word in the dictionary as gullible? It started as an expression and just caught on. Who knew?