This just in:
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are getting divorced. The coupled cited irreconcilable differences, which is a legal term meaning: He was also dating Angelina Jolie.

I haven't recovered from the Brad Pitt/ Jennifer Aniston break up and now Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards? This officially makes 2005 the "Good looking people who are sick of having sex with each other" year.


We get crizzy for rizzy for the fun-duckets up in the hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How snowy was it?
They had a huge snowstorm back east. In fact, it’s so snowy, back east is whiter than a jury of Michael Jackson’s peers.

Poor Baretta
I feel sorry for Robert Blake. First he couldn’t find anyone to shoot his wife and now with the Michael Jackson case, he can’t find any journalists to shoot his trial.

So to speak . . .
A man is suing his girlfriend for $7,000 for destroying his porno collection. Apparently he feels that, when it comes to trying to replace his old porno collection, the new stuff just can’t beat it.

Apparently that is a crime
Police in Denver had to use a taser gun to subdue a man who had too much food at the Chuckie Cheese buffet line. The official charge was impersonating Ruben Stoddard.

Can’t figure this one out
Randy Moss is now an Oakland Raider. For some reason, Moss blamed his problems with the Minnesota Vikings on the fact that Jude Law has been in too many movies.

Moss is a perfect fit for the Raiders: he gives them a deep threat, he has a Raider-like antagonistic attitude, and he comes complete with a full police record.

Who ever thought they would hear the term: Martha Stewart’s getting out of the slammer?
Martha Stewart gets out of prison Sunday. Time for the employees at Martha Stewart Living Inc. to start sweeping up the confetti, streamers and picking up the empty champagne bottles.
The party’s over.

Bad casting
Have you seen the E Entertainment channel’s reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial? It doesn’t look very realistic to me. For example, I don’t think it was a good idea to cast “101 Dalmations” Cruella DeVille as Michael Jackson.

Sir Geek
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates will receive an honorary Knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II in a ceremony at Buckingham Palace today. Gates is now officially the Duke of Dorks.

It is pretty cool, Gates now has a fancy new Knight-like family crest on his pocket protector.

Sketchy terms
Kobe Bryant has settled his civil suit against his 20-year-old accuser. Terms of the deal are sketchy but involves a lot of cash and that she be traded to the Miami Heat.

But, seriously . . .
Aren’t you tired of these cliché meeting terms everyone uses, like synergy, proactive and outsource? The other night I asked my wife if she wanted to fool around and she told me to think outside the box.

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows her name
Have you seen the commercials for the new NBC “Law and Order, Trial by Jury”? I tell you, that Lilith from “Cheers” is amazing, she was a psychiatrist and now she’s a trial lawyer. Frasier was crazy to divorce her.

That last thing was probably it
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are getting divorced citing irreconcilable differences. He says their careers were the problem and she said, yeah, it may have been their careers, but more probably it had something to do with all of his hookers.

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are getting divorced citing irreconcilable differences. Apparently she objected to Chris Rock’s jokes about Jude Law, and he thought they were funny.

Adios, Danno
Dan Rather is retiring in six days. Or as Dan refers to it, his time is shorter than a hound dog on an Interstate with hankerin’ for semi-trailer truck tires.

Or as Dan refers to it, his time is shorter than then a tick on a badger burrowing in a mud hollow.

Like they need this
New York City cabs now have computers. This way the New York Cabbies can Google how to make suicide bombs.

You know the number one use of New York City Cab computers? Three words: Googling goat porn.

Covert intercept
The C.I.A. says it has intercepted a message from Osama bin Laden. Apparently Osama said he didn’t care for the Jude Law Oscar joke either.

Since you asked:

Pet peeve update.

Is it going to be necessary for me, at every single stop light, to wait and then politely tap my horn to get the person in front to stop dialing his cell phone and go after the light changes? Huh?

And I got another pet peeve. How about people who forward you an old bad joke - or some other crappy email -without putting any writing of their own on the email? Shouldn’t that be illegal? It would be like getting an article in the mail on red neck jokes with no letter or note attached.

Thanks to this pathetic blog, I am in touch with another fellow underpaid comedy writer, along with Janice Hough. Welcome Jim Barach. This guy's got skills.

Check it out:

http://jokesbyjim.blogspot.com/

And one more thing:

Is there a worse feeling than eating so many of your daughter's frozen thin mint Girl Scout cookies that your stomach hurts and you can’t go and work out? Why do I suddenly feel like I am in Seventh grade and Kylie Thompson just made fun of my braces and I won’t feel better until I eat the whole package of cookies before this re-run of “Gilligan’s Island” is over? Or is it "The Three Stooges"?

And one more one more thing:

Hoobastank, Hoobastank, Hoobastank.