Saturday, January 29, 2005

I am almost done with my long computer nightmare. One thing. You friends and regular A.L.B.B. readers - all five of you - I need you to send me an email. Setting up my computer for Outlook Express somehow knocked out my old addresses, so if you send one to me, I can send it back and it is back in the address book again. This is until I find someone smarter than me (that shouldn’t be very hard) who can find the addresses and get them on my new gear.

You folks know who you are. Thanks.

Oh, and anyone near downtown San Diego tonight, stop by Dick's Last Resort. I'm sitting in on harmonica with the band Inside Out. Should be a good show. The KGB radio folks I write for, Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw gave it a plug so there should be a decent crowd. Actually, it was Shelly who plugged the Dick's gig. Eww, that doesn't sound right at all . . .

And check out the hilarious guy with number 3 on the top ten list.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

New 'puter. Still getting the kinks worked out. Film at eleven.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

We loves us some flavosity, we for surely do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Southern Cal
Many football experts think USC will repeat next year as #1 because they just have too many tools. I concur. Nearly everyone I’ve ever met from USC is a real tool.

Stretching a metaphor, so to speak
The makers of Trojan condoms are peddling a condom with a lubricant that warms up during use. They got the idea from watching the Orange Bowl when the USC Trojans get hotter and hotter as they stuck it to Oklahoma.

The makers of Trojan condoms are peddling a condom with a lubricant that warms up during use. Is this necessary? I don’t think a woman has ever said to a guy right before sex; “Hang on, let me warm that thing up first.”

Is that nice?
Condoleeza Rice’s nomination for Sec of State will get overwhelming Senate approval. Well, overwhelming except for Rice’s main detractor CA, Democrat, Barbara Boxer who, at the time of the vote, plans to pantomime mooning Rice.

Not since then, huh?
Swiss ace Roger Federer beat USA’s Andre Agassi to advance at the Australian Open. Nobody has dominated men’s tennis like Federer since the last guy to dominate tennis that nobody cared about.

CNN founder Ted Turner compared Fox News to the Adolph Hitler. Fox News said they resented this comparison but then announced they’ve hired Prince Harry as a British correspondent.

Obesity has surpassed smoking as the number one preventable cause of death in the U.S. To show how bad it is, now if you are diagnosed as obese, the doctor prescribes five cartoons of Marlboros.

Since you asked:
One more note on Johnny. Leno has been doing yeoman-like and - not to blow smoke - top quality work on "The Tonight Show" since 1992. But anyone I know older than the age of 55 still always asks me; "You still send jokes to Johnny?" The man is simply imbedded in their heads as the host of that show and it's been 13 years.

It was my humble opinion that Leno did an awesome job on his Carson tribute. What tough duty. Leno handled it with class, reverence and humor. Leno has to be the most under-rated guy in the world with a number one network show and a salary of $30 million a year, if that is even possible.

Forget the cluster-hump that was "The Chevy Chase show" Dennis Miller, Arsenio Hall, Craig Kilborn, Pat Sajak, Roseanne, and, if possible, even worse than Chevy, Magic Johnson, have all tried and, to varying degrees, failed at hosting a late night talk show. It is not nearly as easy as Letterman, Leno and Jon Stewart make it look and Johnny made it look even easier.

Ellen DeGeneris is pretty awesome during her daytime show. Something tells me she could pull off a late night gig.

Or me. Let's not rule that out.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

We got the Mack back Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Just a case of the laws of probability
You know who will probably pick up an Oscar? Angelina Jolie. She’s not nominated for an Academy Award, she’ll probably pick up some married guy named Oscar.

Clandestine, but in a public kind of way
The Pentagon announced they are forming a new clandestine spy team. And let’s face it, nothing says clandestine quite like a nationally televised press conference announcement.

It was kind of embarrassing. When President Bush was informed of this new clandestine spy team, he asked; “Clandestine? How are they going to spy with them big Budweiser horses?”

The King is dead but he’s not forgotten
The outpouring of sympathetic publicity following Johnny Carson’s death trumped the coverage of Donald Trump’s gaudy wedding. See that? Even in death, Johnny’s class and timing is impeccable.

In Russian, no less
Do you get those annoying spam junk email ads? They are out-of-hand. Today I got an email ad for a low-cost non-prescription prescription drug that promises to add three and a half inches to my mortgage.

Just plain mean
The TV news in California love to show snowstorms from back east. It’s like going to dinner with someone on the Atkins diet and ordering a big sloppy dessert. “Oh yeah, that boiled chicken wrapped in lettuce looks good. Sure you don’t want some of this hot fudge Sunday? I can’t eat it all.”

Since you asked:

Remember Slats and Nugs, everything before the “but” is B.S. As in, he’s a really nice guy, but . . .
You know how I hate to brag, but . . . I broke the first of my five fitness goals yesterday. Did the 500 jump ropes all in a row. Double leg, no singles, no getting cute, just regular both feet jumping per swing. And how do I feel today? Sore. But it’s the good kind of sore as long as good is horribly painful to the point of causing hot streaming tears.

Next to fall will be 50 push-ups. Then soon the 15 pull-ups. The 10ft rim touch and sub-six-minute mile will take more time, but I am patient and I have until August 15th. And besides, the hidden main goal is to lose the weight (about 15 lbs) so, no hurry. (If you are getting too excited by this breathtakingly interesting information, just let me know)

A few words about Johnny Carson. He was the best. I might be of the first generation that Johnny sort of started to miss, but there was no doubting his greatness. Like Dino and Frank, I am starting to appreciate Johnny more and more, but, at the time, he seemed more my Dad’s guy than mine.

Having said that, it is a lot harder to be the first to do something than it is to follow up. Johnny made late night TV what it is now. Sure he borrowed. He was a perfect combination of the silly and fun Steve Allen and the interesting conversationalist that was Jack Parr. Plus he had a devilishly quick mind. Never really got the Ed thing, but that was part of the deal.

Anyone who wants to know how hard it is to do a talk show I have two words for you: Chevy Chase. Anyone who had to witness that train wreck knows what I mean. That makes what Jay, Dave and Conan do even more amazing. But Johnny was the guy. He made it look like anyone could do it when he was one of only four or five who actually could. And Jay and Dave and Conan don’t grow up dreaming to host a talk show without Johnny.

Although we hadn't seen him for years, the world is a sadder place knowing that Johnny isn't in it anymore. That, uh, that was good stuff . . .