Thursday, September 30, 2004

We still got love for the street, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who said what to who now?
*Did you know that the automaker Hummer has an aftershave for men? It’s a great gift idea for those women who just couldn’t give their man a real Hummer before.

Thorny Rosey
*Krispy Kreme is now selling wedding cakes made out of donuts. Krispy Kreme donut wedding cakes? You thought Rosie O’Donnell was pissed she couldn’t marry her life-partner before . . .

Say it ain’t so
*A new study has found that half of all the Viagra sold on the Internet is fake. I can’t believe that. Next thing they’ll try to tell us is those penis enlargement pills don’t work.

*Martha Stewart has been assigned to a prison in West Virginia. That’s almost cruel. In West Virginia they not only don’t know that petit fores are cookies, they think petit fores is how you romance a sheep.

Martha Stewart in West Virginia? And you thought Martha hated being in a Wal Mart?

Good move
*The first presidential debates are tomorrow and USA Today reports that in past debates, being likable is more important than being smart. Upon reading this, John Kerry quit.

The debates come with a 32-page document of ground rules. It’s a little too much. Like, for example, President Bush demands that all the Dinos be removed from his Flintstone vitamins.

Too close
The Montreal Expos are moving to Washington D.C. but it is undecided what the team’s name will be. That’s because the obvious choice sounds too close to the Yankees. The Washington D.C. Yankers.

Show them my motto
*Christine Aguilera is in a campaign to encourage young people to vote. Their motto is; “Take it from the Skank, go in that booth and pull that crank.”

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

This just in:

Did you know that the automaker Hummer has an aftershave for men? Now you can even smell like a pretentious schmuck.

No kidding the automaker Hummer has an aftershave for men. Good news for Hollywood producers, finally a cheaper way to get a Hummer.

We got all kinds of love for the funizzle up in hereizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That makes sense
Krispy Kreme is now selling wedding cakes made out of donuts. In a related story, “American Idol’s” Ruben Stoddard proposed to Clay Aiken.

What happens in Vegas, really stays in Vegas
In Las Vegas, a New Hampshire tourist jumped to his death at the Hoover Dam after killing his girlfriend. And you thought you had a bad time in Vegas when you busted on 16?

Apparently he took the slogan “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” a little too seriously.

Good point
CBS wants Janet Jackson to pay the half-million dollar fine for exposing her breast at the Super Bowl. Janet is incensed. She said “Where am I supposed to come up that money? I’m Michael Jackson’s sister, not his playmate.”

Again, we kid the president
*A previously unknown story by Ernest Hemmingway has surfaced. President Bush is excited. He just wants to know if it’s more like “Ernest Goes to Camp” or “Ernest Scared Stupid”?

President Bush is very excited. He just loves it when Ernest says “Hey Vern.”

Gets me each time
*I’m looking forward to the presidential debates. Undoubtedly my favorite part of the debates is when President Bush keeps talking even when Dick Cheney is drinking water.

The Montreal Expos are moving to Washington D.C. D.C. Politician Marion Berry is against the Montreal Expos moving to Washington. Berry was disappointed when he found out he misunderstood that they would soon have the crack of bats.

Who knew?
*President Bush said he was shocked to hear that his hometown paper in Crawford, Texas had decided to endorse John Kerry. An incredulous Bush asked; “My hometown has a newspaper?”

Oh you can’t let him, can’t let him in, you gotta keep him out
*How many think President Bush is going to win the debates? How many think Senator John Kerry will win? How many think security is going to treat Ralph Nader like he is Cat Stevens?

How, uh, how fat was he?
*A man is suing Southwest Airlines claiming they humiliated him by forcing him to buy two seats for a flight because he’s so fat. The guy was pretty fat. The two seats he had to buy on Southwest faced South and West.

On the wild side
*Britney Spears is now rumored to be pregnant. With all the stories and wild rumors, I think Britney needs to slow down. Of course, this comes from a guy who thinks living on the edge means drinking Bohemian coffee instead of the regular blend.

Stop it, you person, you
*They are giving the $50 bill a Queer makeover. One thing’s for sure, with the queer makeover, one thing they won’t change is Grant’s first name Ulysses.

Since you asked:
People ask me all the time, they ask; “Lex, how do you keep your burgers so darn juicy?” Well, OK, they don’t, but I am going to tell you anyway.

The key is to focus on what makes a burger juicy and avoid what makes them not juicy, i.e., dry.

First of all the meat has to have at least 15% fat. (Don’t worry, most of it melts off in the grilling) Any less than that is too dry, I don’t care if it is ground Kobe beef – no relation to Bryant.

Second, the shape of the patty is key. Flat and indented a little in the middle will keep the chef from the cardinal sin of using the spatula to squeeze it flat –and thus, bone dry - when it plumps.

Third, add some good juice. Drizzle some Worcestershire sauce and olive oil on them before you grill them, after, of course, you’ve rubbed pepper, garlic powder and a little cumin.

Fourth, grill them on high. You sear your steaks, right? You gotta sear the hamburgers. They are done in about seven minutes anyway. That way it will be pinkish in the middle instead of that god-awful gray.

Seriously, I am going to have to start charging for this advice . . .

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

We have two running questions here at "A Little Bit Bad." First, what is your at-bat song? The song that plays for a few seconds when the Major league batter comes to the plate? What is yours?

Plus, what is your pornstar name? How do you get your pornstar name? First name is the name of your childhood pet and the last name is the street where you grew up. Me? The Stones "Can't You Hear Me Knockin" for the at-bat song and Charlie Elm, pornstar.

The worst male porn star name I've ever heard? A big burly guy who had the porn name Tiny Wood.

The worst - or best - female pornstar name? Dewer Sixth.

Let me know if you have a real good one:

This just in:
The press is describing today’s Central California earthquake as moderate. And what is the definition of a moderate earthquake? An earthquake that happens to someone else.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but when the ground under your feet starts to move, the only thing that might be moderate is the amount of your incontinence.

Snaps it back and hold it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Shaky deal
*Central California had a pretty good earthquake; people were shaking like Dan Rather’s fact checker.

(Get the drum kit ready)

People were shaking like Martha Stewart filling out here cellmate request form.

People were shaking like President Bush on “Jeopardy.”

People were shaking like Cat Stevens’s travel agent.

That also
*Despite hurricane Jeanne, the presidential debates will still be held in Miami this week. That will be scary: all of that hot air blasting around everywhere. Not to mention the hurricane.

Two for one
*“New Scientists Magazine” reports that rats are being trained as rescue animals. That way you can be rescued and get legal representation all at once.

All indications point to this conclusion
*USA Today reported that Costco sold a $235,000 diamond ring. Apparently Kobe Bryant is now dating Tonya Harding.

And I read it religiously . . .
*According to current issue of “Evolution and Human Behavior,” the more attractive your voice is the more sex you will have. Based on this information, it is now estimated that “American Idol” reject William Hung will remain a virgin forever.

Master debate
*Is everyone excited about the presidential debates? How many think President Bush will win? How many think John Kerry will win? How many think Ralph Nader won’t make it past security?

For example
*Demi Moore is reportedly furious that sex pictures of her and Ashton Kucher may show up on the Internet. Demi is terrified children will see the photos, children like, well, Ashton Kucher for example.

Oh save us
*Rapper Ice Tea is going to produce a rap album for former "Baywatch" star David Hasselhof. It is predicted that the album will be so bad, even Germans will hate it.

Hasselhof’s rapper name is P. Diddley Squat.

Since you asked:
The NFL could take a naked super model drunken hot tub party and over-officiate it until it was less fun than a trip to the I.R.S.

What is the deal with all the time it takes to review plays? And what is with this stupid rule about possession of the ball when it comes to bobbling it? If the NFL was in charge of Major League baseball, Aramis Ramirez could dive into the stands, make a diving bobbling catch for a foul ball, hang on to it and it would be ruled that he didn’t have possession. That ruling, of course, wouldn’t come until twenty minutes to review it.

NFL, wake up. If it doesn’t hit the ground, the guy caught it, mmmmm kaaaayyy? I don’t care if the ball got stuck in his ear hole, a catch is a catch.

Oh grant me patience, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

It must be nice
The cry of “Why do people live there?” shifted from the topic of Florida to Central California today. Why do people live there? Just like Florida, because it’s nice and you have to live somewhere. Even better if it's somewhere that doesn't turn into Warsaw every winter, OK?

Don’t you love those smug bastards who rhetorically ask, “Don’t they know Florida has hurricanes?” Ya think? “Don’t Californians know they have earthquakes?” It must be nice to be so frickin’ smart. So where, exactly, do those smug bastards live?

Last I checked the land anywhere near the Mississippi floods, the Southwest has tornadoes, the Midwest has huge winter storms, the West has brushfires and earthquakes, even Malibu - where the pretty people play hungry for power - gets rocked by mudslides and waves. And Denver? Well they have snowstorm, earthquakes and the NBA's Nuggets.

As Randy Newman put it so well in "Political Science," we'll save Australia. Don't wanna hurt no Kangaroo.

Strangers with Candy
Anyone who has ever suffered through those incredibly corny and bad after-school specials has to see “Strangers with Candy” on the Comedy Channel. The entire Sedaris family should be listed as a national treasure, but especially Amy.

I am not sure how I missed it the first time around, but I ain’t missing it now. The show is an I.Q. test. The humorless and or stupid will be offended at the stereotypes the show mocks; if you are smart and funny - as I know you are . . . pause for shameless suck-up to absorb- you will see it is making fun of the people who are offended and not the stereotypes. It’s kind of like the characters on “The Simpsons” came to life and smoked crack.

Monday, September 27, 2004

See now, I know we all good to be righteous up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I am not moody, so stop saying that or I will kill you
*Sadly, the Dr. Katharina Dalton, the gynecologist who invented the term P.M.S., passed away at 87. That just makes me so mad I could just cry.

One big-ass cold
*John Kerry has a head cold. It’s serious, with the size of that head, Kerry’s head cold is growing and it is now actually bigger than hurricane Jeanne.

These two hurt
*The Chicago Cubs lost two games this weekend to lose a game in the Wild Card hunt. Did you know the Chicago Cubs played their first game a week before Custer’s last stand? So there is at least one organization that has faired worse than the Cubs since 1876.

Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa is mired in a 5-41 slump. It is so bad, Sammy is seriously thinking about corking his pants.

Now that’s rich
*Forbes magazine announced that, once again, Bill Gates is the richest man in the world at 48 billion. How rich is Gates? Today, just for fun, Gates gave 276 Pontiacs to Oprah.

Father and Sunni
*When asked to comment about the status of Cat Stevens’s Visa, an anonymous State department official said; “Oh I can’t keep in, can’t keep it in, I gotta let it out.”

Have you heard about the new Cat Stevens single? “Father and Sunni.”

*Yusuf Islam, formerly Cat Stevens, may face questioning. For example, was he aligned with any terrorist groups? Did he donate to extremists? And why was he under a contractual obligation to include at least five whoa whoa whoa’s in all of his songs?

Donchya just hate that?
*Don’t you just hate junk E-mail? Nothing like starting your day with someone from China telling you that you need to enlarge your penis.

Where I get mad is when my wife gets those penis enlarging junk E-mails; if there is one thing my wife doesn’t need to do, it’s enlarge her penis. Wait, that didn’t sound right . . .

A must see conspiracy
*Oliver Stones epic “Alexander” is opening. It is fascinating how Oliver Stone connects the 356 B.C. King of Macedonia, Alexander the Great, to the vast conspiracies by the evil, American military industrial complex.

And he writes just like a little girl . . .
*Bob Dylan’s wrote a biography. It’s the very first biography to require subtitles.

The Bob Dylan biography is available on books on tape, but save your money: you can’t understand a single word the narrator says.

That's a good one
*Christina Aguilera was in her hometown of Pittsburgh promoting sexual abstinence. That’s like Jessica Simpson promoting increased use of the present participle tense.

Please, that’s like the New York Mets promoting gracious winning.

This explains it
Vijay Singh broke Tiger Woods’s single season money record. In addition, Singh broke Tiger’s record for the world’s most deathly dull personality. So that’s why I’m so bad at golf; I am just too damn charismatic. That and my swing looks like a rusting fold-out bed falling a flight of stairs.

Since you asked;
Not to brag, but I am a Fantasy Football GM/Coach mastermind. My Second running back and my first receiver are gone with injuries and my quarterback has a bye. And that's with a team that didn't score bupkis last week. So what's a genius to do? I go out and pluck Aaron Stecker from free agency. The guy who replaces the injured Duece McCalister for New Orleans. All he does is go out and get me 25 points. And my once-benched receiver, Javon Walker goes crazy and scores 35 points. My bro, my former workout buddy, John Carney has a monster day kicking about ninety field goals. And my substitute QB, David Carr, has a good game.

In short, with only three original starters, I hang 120 points on my opponent's 50 something.

But I am not a Fantasy Football nerd. If you say I am I will have no choice but to go to the dark side of the force and put a Vulcan death grip on your narrow behind. Sabes?