Tuesday, September 28, 2004

We have two running questions here at "A Little Bit Bad." First, what is your at-bat song? The song that plays for a few seconds when the Major league batter comes to the plate? What is yours?

Plus, what is your pornstar name? How do you get your pornstar name? First name is the name of your childhood pet and the last name is the street where you grew up. Me? The Stones "Can't You Hear Me Knockin" for the at-bat song and Charlie Elm, pornstar.

The worst male porn star name I've ever heard? A big burly guy who had the porn name Tiny Wood.

The worst - or best - female pornstar name? Dewer Sixth.

Let me know if you have a real good one:


This just in:
The press is describing today’s Central California earthquake as moderate. And what is the definition of a moderate earthquake? An earthquake that happens to someone else.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but when the ground under your feet starts to move, the only thing that might be moderate is the amount of your incontinence.

Snaps it back and hold it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Shaky deal
*Central California had a pretty good earthquake; people were shaking like Dan Rather’s fact checker.

(Get the drum kit ready)

People were shaking like Martha Stewart filling out here cellmate request form.

People were shaking like President Bush on “Jeopardy.”

People were shaking like Cat Stevens’s travel agent.

That also
*Despite hurricane Jeanne, the presidential debates will still be held in Miami this week. That will be scary: all of that hot air blasting around everywhere. Not to mention the hurricane.

Two for one
*“New Scientists Magazine” reports that rats are being trained as rescue animals. That way you can be rescued and get legal representation all at once.

All indications point to this conclusion
*USA Today reported that Costco sold a $235,000 diamond ring. Apparently Kobe Bryant is now dating Tonya Harding.

And I read it religiously . . .
*According to current issue of “Evolution and Human Behavior,” the more attractive your voice is the more sex you will have. Based on this information, it is now estimated that “American Idol” reject William Hung will remain a virgin forever.

Master debate
*Is everyone excited about the presidential debates? How many think President Bush will win? How many think John Kerry will win? How many think Ralph Nader won’t make it past security?

For example
*Demi Moore is reportedly furious that sex pictures of her and Ashton Kucher may show up on the Internet. Demi is terrified children will see the photos, children like, well, Ashton Kucher for example.

Oh save us
*Rapper Ice Tea is going to produce a rap album for former "Baywatch" star David Hasselhof. It is predicted that the album will be so bad, even Germans will hate it.

Hasselhof’s rapper name is P. Diddley Squat.

Since you asked:
The NFL could take a naked super model drunken hot tub party and over-officiate it until it was less fun than a trip to the I.R.S.

What is the deal with all the time it takes to review plays? And what is with this stupid rule about possession of the ball when it comes to bobbling it? If the NFL was in charge of Major League baseball, Aramis Ramirez could dive into the stands, make a diving bobbling catch for a foul ball, hang on to it and it would be ruled that he didn’t have possession. That ruling, of course, wouldn’t come until twenty minutes to review it.

NFL, wake up. If it doesn’t hit the ground, the guy caught it, mmmmm kaaaayyy? I don’t care if the ball got stuck in his ear hole, a catch is a catch.

Oh grant me patience, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

It must be nice
The cry of “Why do people live there?” shifted from the topic of Florida to Central California today. Why do people live there? Just like Florida, because it’s nice and you have to live somewhere. Even better if it's somewhere that doesn't turn into Warsaw every winter, OK?

Don’t you love those smug bastards who rhetorically ask, “Don’t they know Florida has hurricanes?” Ya think? “Don’t Californians know they have earthquakes?” It must be nice to be so frickin’ smart. So where, exactly, do those smug bastards live?

Last I checked the land anywhere near the Mississippi floods, the Southwest has tornadoes, the Midwest has huge winter storms, the West has brushfires and earthquakes, even Malibu - where the pretty people play hungry for power - gets rocked by mudslides and waves. And Denver? Well they have snowstorm, earthquakes and the NBA's Nuggets.

As Randy Newman put it so well in "Political Science," we'll save Australia. Don't wanna hurt no Kangaroo.

Strangers with Candy
Anyone who has ever suffered through those incredibly corny and bad after-school specials has to see “Strangers with Candy” on the Comedy Channel. The entire Sedaris family should be listed as a national treasure, but especially Amy.

I am not sure how I missed it the first time around, but I ain’t missing it now. The show is an I.Q. test. The humorless and or stupid will be offended at the stereotypes the show mocks; if you are smart and funny - as I know you are . . . pause for shameless suck-up to absorb- you will see it is making fun of the people who are offended and not the stereotypes. It’s kind of like the characters on “The Simpsons” came to life and smoked crack.