Monday, September 27, 2004

See now, I know we all good to be righteous up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I am not moody, so stop saying that or I will kill you
*Sadly, the Dr. Katharina Dalton, the gynecologist who invented the term P.M.S., passed away at 87. That just makes me so mad I could just cry.

One big-ass cold
*John Kerry has a head cold. It’s serious, with the size of that head, Kerry’s head cold is growing and it is now actually bigger than hurricane Jeanne.

These two hurt
*The Chicago Cubs lost two games this weekend to lose a game in the Wild Card hunt. Did you know the Chicago Cubs played their first game a week before Custer’s last stand? So there is at least one organization that has faired worse than the Cubs since 1876.

Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa is mired in a 5-41 slump. It is so bad, Sammy is seriously thinking about corking his pants.

Now that’s rich
*Forbes magazine announced that, once again, Bill Gates is the richest man in the world at 48 billion. How rich is Gates? Today, just for fun, Gates gave 276 Pontiacs to Oprah.

Father and Sunni
*When asked to comment about the status of Cat Stevens’s Visa, an anonymous State department official said; “Oh I can’t keep in, can’t keep it in, I gotta let it out.”

Have you heard about the new Cat Stevens single? “Father and Sunni.”

*Yusuf Islam, formerly Cat Stevens, may face questioning. For example, was he aligned with any terrorist groups? Did he donate to extremists? And why was he under a contractual obligation to include at least five whoa whoa whoa’s in all of his songs?

Donchya just hate that?
*Don’t you just hate junk E-mail? Nothing like starting your day with someone from China telling you that you need to enlarge your penis.

Where I get mad is when my wife gets those penis enlarging junk E-mails; if there is one thing my wife doesn’t need to do, it’s enlarge her penis. Wait, that didn’t sound right . . .

A must see conspiracy
*Oliver Stones epic “Alexander” is opening. It is fascinating how Oliver Stone connects the 356 B.C. King of Macedonia, Alexander the Great, to the vast conspiracies by the evil, American military industrial complex.

And he writes just like a little girl . . .
*Bob Dylan’s wrote a biography. It’s the very first biography to require subtitles.

The Bob Dylan biography is available on books on tape, but save your money: you can’t understand a single word the narrator says.

That's a good one
*Christina Aguilera was in her hometown of Pittsburgh promoting sexual abstinence. That’s like Jessica Simpson promoting increased use of the present participle tense.

Please, that’s like the New York Mets promoting gracious winning.

This explains it
Vijay Singh broke Tiger Woods’s single season money record. In addition, Singh broke Tiger’s record for the world’s most deathly dull personality. So that’s why I’m so bad at golf; I am just too damn charismatic. That and my swing looks like a rusting fold-out bed falling a flight of stairs.

Since you asked;
Not to brag, but I am a Fantasy Football GM/Coach mastermind. My Second running back and my first receiver are gone with injuries and my quarterback has a bye. And that's with a team that didn't score bupkis last week. So what's a genius to do? I go out and pluck Aaron Stecker from free agency. The guy who replaces the injured Duece McCalister for New Orleans. All he does is go out and get me 25 points. And my once-benched receiver, Javon Walker goes crazy and scores 35 points. My bro, my former workout buddy, John Carney has a monster day kicking about ninety field goals. And my substitute QB, David Carr, has a good game.

In short, with only three original starters, I hang 120 points on my opponent's 50 something.

But I am not a Fantasy Football nerd. If you say I am I will have no choice but to go to the dark side of the force and put a Vulcan death grip on your narrow behind. Sabes?