Friday, August 06, 2004

This just in:
Recently retired running back Ricky Williams told “Sports Illustrated” that he would like to play for the Oakland Raiders next year. The Raiders were 4- and 12, they have aging players and huge salary cap problems. So, apparently Ricky wasn’t kidding when he said he likes to get really stoned.
We on it like you read about it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Or something like that
*A radical cleric, Moqtada al-Sadr, resumed his fight against U.S. forces this week in Iraq. Al-Sadr is a head Shi’ite leader, or, as he is referred to by our military: a real Shi’ite head.

Nice work if you can get it
*Derby and Preakness winner Smarty Jones has retired from racing and will stand in stud at Three Chimneys farm in Kentucky. Man, wouldn’t you love to have that on your resume:

“ And after college, I stood at stud for five years . . .”

Nightmare Team
*Our NBA-filled Olympic “Dream team” got spanked by the Italian Olympic team and barely beat a German team that didn’t even qualify for the Olympics. Maybe Allen Iverson might want to re-think that “we don’t need more practice, we need more tattoos” thing.

I don’t want to say our Olympic team isn’t playing well, but yesterday at practice, they held a shoot-around and lost.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if Kobe Bryant had performed as badly as our Olympic basketball team, his wife Venessa would be getting another diamond ring.

Speaking of his Majesty
*Rumors are swirling around the Kobe Bryant trial that the accuser may drop the case; it’s looking good for Kobe, today he asked an assistant to dig up a certain diamond ring receipt.

If the Kobe Bryant case goes to trial, some people involved for the defense say Kobe Bryant wants to pass on testifying. This also marks the first time Kobe Bryant wanted to pass anything.

Prosecutors claim they have evidence in the Kobe Bryant case that would require Shaquille O’Neal to testify about a Florida party. However, judging from his free throw shooting, the defense isn’t sure that Shaq could hit the witness stand.

Fox in the hen house
*Republicans are worried that, if John Kerry got elected, John Edwards, a trial attorney, would preside over the senate lawmakers. That would be like hiring Bill Clinton to be a manager at a Hooters restaurant.

Since you asked:

Man, where has the summer gone? NFL training camps are open? Kids getting ready for school? Oh, and to you kids who are getting ready for school, speaking for those of us mature adults who don’t have to go school ever again: Neeeneer, neeener, neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeener.

There are two primary advantages of being a grown up, as I see it. One, you never, ever, have to eat anything you don’t want to, and, two, you don’t have to go back to school in the Fall. Sadly, however, that’s about it as far as the advantages of being-older-versus-youth thing goes.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Oral Surgery 2

At one point, as the paradontist and his assistant where doing their best “Is it safe?” “Marathon Man” routine, the radio station started playing Phil Collins. Now, I can take endless needles and gum cutting and mandible scraping, but I cannot take it along with “Sussidio.” No human can.

Chicago/Wisconsin trip update:
What a great time. Great friends, great food – copious amounts of meat and grilled onions- tons of laughs, perfect weather, kayaking, swimming, running, sailing, tennis and fireworks over a mirror-like lake on a night with a huge, yellow, then silvery, full moon. And to cap it off, my daughter picked flowers from our great friend's garden – Mrs Woods - and she gently placed them on my parent's grave in the bucolic and peaceful garden of the Congregational church.
Oh yes, there is a new sheriff in town. It's good to be back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Stud fee
Derby and Preakness winner Smarty Jones has retired from racing and will stand in stud at Three Chimneys farm in Kentucky. Smarty Jones stud fees are estimated at around $100,000. That’s the most anyone has paid for sex since Kobe Bryant.

Smarty Jones stud fee is estimated at over $100,000. In a related story, Paris Hilton was seen making thirty trips to her ATM.

Now that's small
Both President Bush and Senator John Kerry campaigned in Davenport, Iowa. I don’t want to say that Davenport is a small town, but Kerry barely had enough room to change his mind and Bush actually learned the meaning of the word claustrophobic.

Can you say nightmare?
Our NBA-filled Olympic “Dream team” got spanked by Italy. If this is the dream team, it’s the dream where you’re late for a final exam and you’re not wearing any clothes.

Sounds familiar
In Chicago, cement is falling out of the upper decks at Wrigley Field. One chunk almost hurt a child, but luckily foul-ball-flubber Steve Bartman tried to catch it and knocked it away.

You have to hand it to them, when the Chicago Cubs start a collapse, they don’t kid around.

Since you asked
If a comedy club was run by the soulless robots at the Rite Aid pharmacy, you’d have to have a doctor call to make your reservation; you’d have to stand in line for twenty minutes, then the pharmacist would sit motionless blankly staring at the computer for ten minutes, only to finally tell you your jokes won’t be ready for twenty minutes and that they cost $100 and your insurance doesn’t cover them.

Rite Aid is the perfect storm that blends totally unskilled, under-paid, unmotivated labor with government-like sterility. It’s the D.M.V. of retail stores. They should take over Blockbuster.

Speaking of comedy clubs
If I owned a comedy club, each night a random audience member – in exchange for free drinks - would be picked out to perform five minutes. This would accomplish many things; it would add an air of nervous anticipation; it would shut up hecklers and give the audience an appreciation for the comedians.

When you go to a baseball game, everyone appreciates the player’s skills because they’ve tried to play baseball and know how hard it is. Most people admit they can’t tell a joke to save their lives. And that’s not a joke they created, it’s a joke they are simply trying to repeat. Let alone deliver that original joke into a loud microphone in front of a blindingly bright light and a pack of drunk strangers. And yet, EVERYONE who goes to a comedy club thinks they are as funny, or funnier, than the performers.

Even those soulless robots that work at Rite Aid and Blockbuster.

Yesterday, had the wonderful chance to experience two words that should never, ever, be used together: Oral surgery. Holy schnikies, that was unpleasant.