Thursday, July 15, 2004

We steppin’ out wit da’ goood foot now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New meaning to taking a boom*A man in Blacksville, West Virginia went into an outhouse, lit a cigarette and the outhouse exploded. The good news is he’s OK and he has a new endorsement deal with Metamucil.

Attention Deficit Whatever-it’s-called
*“Jeopardy” ace, Ken Jennings, has topped a million dollars in winnings. I could never win on “Jeopardy” due to my Attention Deficit Disorder. You know the interesting thing about Attention Deficit Disorder? Oh, who cares? Let’s talk about something else.

A good tipper
*Roger Clemens gave up six runs in the first inning of the All Star game and his catcher was his arch-enemy Mike Piazza. Why it almost seemed like those batters knew what the pitches were going to be? And why did the batters keep sneak-tipping Piazza twenty-dollar bills?

Afterwards Piazza held a press conference to announce he’s not a telegrapher.

Those batters treated Clemens like L.A. cops treat a surrendering car thief.

Almost like that
*Courtney Love goes from the courtroom to the hospital, from the hospital to the courtroom and then back to the hospital. It’s like she’s channeling for Bobby Brown and Dick Cheney.

Might be hope
*Cosmologist Stephen Hawking now says black holes may not be so dangerous and things can eventually escape from black holes. So there might even be hope for us in Baghdad.

The new France
*You know how you get the Philippine army to retreat? Ask them real nicely.

The Philippine army beat it out of Iraq because insurgents told them to. Even with the French at least you have to physically show up before they surrender. The Philippine army retreated from a sternly worded phone message.

What do you get when you combine the French Army and the Philippine army? An Olympic quality track team.

*The U.S. Marine who deserted in Iraq and later resurfaced in Lebanon has left en route to the United States. He’ll be questioned and then turned over to eventually become a General in the Philippine army.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Oh we on it now’r than a mofizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Too much information*Sharon Stone has agreed to do “Basic Instinct 2” At 46, Sharon is getting up there in age; when asked what we would see during the famous leg crossing scene, Sharon said; “Depends.”

I’ll take annoying for 100, Alex
*“Jeopardy” ace, Ken Jennings, has topped a million dollars in winnings. That is amazing. Not that he won a million bucks, but that he can stand to be around that snooty-know-it-all Alex Trebek for that long.

Jennings has won 30 times. So that million dollars just about makes up for having to spend so much time around Alex Trebek.

Just say no to tigers
*In Florida, a tiger was shot by a wildlife official after it escaped. The owner is accusing the official of murder, it’s a mess. Folks, for the last time, don’t get a tiger as a pet. If Roy, of Siegfried and Roy, couldn’t handle a tiger, I’m fairly certain you can’t either.

Don’t you love Tiger and Pitt Bull owners? After their pet viscously attacks somebody, they all say the same thing: “But he was so sweet.” Yeah, that’s what Osama bin Laden’s Mom said.

Not a good sign
*It keeps getting worse. Now Courtney Love has been placed in a New York mental institution. Your mental health is pretty bad when you are the most unstable person in a business that includes, Phil Specter, Bobby Brown and Michael Jackson.

Her attorney has described Love as being “beyond uncooperative.” Beyond uncooperative? Oh my word, now Courtney Love has delusions of being Barbra Striesand.

Try and follow this one
*Former coach and Levitra pitchman Mike Ditka may run for U.S. Senate in Illinois, a seat available because Jack Ryan dropped out because his “Star Trek” wife, Jeri Ryan, accused him of forcing her to have sex in public. In other words, the guy who had to quit the race for having sex in public, is replaced by the guy who admitted, in public, he couldn’t have sex without Levitra. Is this a great country, or what?

Remember the good old Clinton days in politics when the only sex was going on under the President’s desk?

Quite the popular fellow
*John Kerry’s poll numbers have bounced up six points thanks to his running mate John Edwards. As far as democrats are concerned, right now Edwards is more popular then a Barbra Striesand impersonator at a gay rights parade.

Oh, now that’s not right, especially since I was born there
*The State of Kentucky is looking for a new state motto. How about: Kentucky, where everything is relative, including our spouses.

Since you asked:
Did you see Will Smith on “Late Show”? Love how he can jump from non-ghetto to ghetto-with-‘tude in nothing flat. I can also do that, but, sadly, as a lily-white boy from Chicago, it doesn’t have the same effect.

Here's the good news:

I think I have finally converted my wife to a heat whimp like me. Last night she didn't argue about turning on the A.C. Prior to that, she was like my Dad when I was growing up;

"We don't need the air conditioner on. See that, you're sweating, you still have plenty of fluid left in your body."

No lie, that is the hazard of living in San Diego. Do we appreciate all the nice weather? No. We just whine like spoiled debutantes when it varies at all. 70 degrees? "Ewww, I'm cold." 78? "Ewww, I'm hot." Somebody slap me. There are orchids that can survive in harsher weather than I can.

And that's how we play "Alex is a weather whimp."

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

This really just in:

Did you see that shot of Enron’s Kenneth Lay in handcuffs? He looks like Elmer Fudd on an episode of “Cops.”

Former Chicago Bears coach and Levitra pitchman Mike Ditka may run for U.S. Senate in Illinois. Ditka isn’t all that savvy about the Senate. He thinks a filibuster is the active ingredient in Levitra.

This just in:
A South African man, Phillip Rabinowitz, set the world record for the 100-year-old 100 meter run. Unfortunately, afterwards, his Depends tested positive for steroids.

Bobby Brown was in court for hitting his wife Whitney Houston. Apparently Bobby and Courtney Love are in a heated game of Courtroom Musical chairs.

This how we do how we do up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bring the pain campaign
It now appears that John Kerry’s campaign got a six-point poll boost after announcing John Edwards as his running mate. When asked to comment on the six-point boost, President Bush misunderstood and said;
"That’s no big deal, that’s just two field goals.”

*John Kerry and John Edwards sure do hug a lot. Even staunch proponents of gay marriage are telling them to get a room.

Have you seen how much John Kerry and John Edwards hug? I think their campaign is called “The Public Display of Affection” tour.

Do you know Kerry and Edwards new slogan? "We're here, we're clear, the candidates that cuddle won't muddle."

Since you asked;
For a slight freelancer's fee, I have deal where I contribute to a local morning drive radio show as though a regular listener. This time they were doing a radio confessional bit. This a true story. Mostly.

Dear Radio Reverend:

After five years of inner torment, it is finally time I un-burdened myself.

During a very competitive mountain bike ride (read: Johnson-slamming contest) with my three buddies, I happened to be way ahead (sniff-of-cockiness) when I came to a rain-swollen creek. Luckily for me, there was a single rider just ahead of me and when he attempted to cross the stream, I saw that he completely submerged. Instead of the expected one foot of water, this crossing was somehow four feet deep, with an amazingly fast current, making it physically impossible to pedal through.

As fast as I could, I waded across, barely able to stand from the current, and then stood on the other bank waiting to aid my three trusted friends. They stopped at the top of the hill, looked down cautiously at the rushing brown water and yelled;

“Can we ride across?”

“Oh sure,” I bald-faced lied. “Just be sure you get a good head of steam. It’s only about a foot deep. If you pedal real fast, you can just splash right through. Come on, I did it, grow a pair."

Newly chastened, all three of them backed up the hill for momentum, pointed straight down and hit the creek with the most amazing explosive title-wave splash you could imagine; all three totally disappeared, leaving only bubbles at the surface.

As I was doubled over, spasmodic with laughter, I didn’t notice that they didn’t reappear. Now, slightly concerned, but still laughing hysterically, I got on my bike to look for them. Sure enough, about fifty yards downstream in a one-foot shallow, there they were, a scene funnier than any “Three Stooges” caper: a chaotic, squirming dog-pile of bodies and bicycles, smothered in slimy brown river mud, coughing out dirty creek water in-between cursing my soul. Sure, they tried to kill me, but I had a head start. (Picture: Gus riding from the Comanche's in "Lonesome Dove")

Honorable Radio Reverend, was this the safest way to treat my beloved and cherished friends? Probably not. But what’s the point of having great buddies if you can’t nearly R.F. them to death? Please forgive me.

Love your show like John Kerry loves to cop a hug with John Edwards:

Sinner Listener Lex

Monday, July 12, 2004

We all up on it now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The bring the pain campaign So far the John Kerry campaign strategy can be described in three words; “Empower disenfranchised Americans.” The George W. Bush campaign strategy can also be described in three words: “Find Osama’s Spider-hole.”

I don’t want to imply that John Kerry is a little stiff or out-of-it, but every time Kerry speaks, I could swear he is about to say; “Verily I sayeth to thou.”

Some people say John Kerry has had a little work done, albeit Botox injections or plastic surgery. I don’t think so, well, not including removing those neck bolts.

Although I understand John Kerry needs to try and loosen his image, but I think it’s ill-conceived for him to go around introducing his running mate John Edwards as his “Road dog homey.”

Les no bon
*I’m worried I might be addicted to watching the “Tour de France.” Lately all I want to do is drink wine, not shower, watch Jerry Lewis movies and insult American tourists.

Courtney Love missed a court date because she was in the hospital with a gynecological condition. And if you’re anything like me, you hope you never, ever, have to hear the words Courtney Love and gynecological condition again.

When I hear Courtney Love and gynecological condition, why do I picture a Hazmat team?

Rumor has it that Love was wandering the New York streets bumming smokes. If Courtney isn’t careful, people might think she’s a little weird.

Related to backlash
Now that it is official that Shaquille O’Neal has left the Los Angeles Lakers for the Miami Heat, many L. A. sports writers are taking shots at O’Neal, his weight gains, mumbling interviews, questionable training and no championships. In short, it is a serious case of Shaq-lash.

The Shaquille O’Neal’s claimed they were selling their 18-bed-room Los Angeles mansion because they have “outgrown it.” Let me tell you, if you’ve outgrown an 18-bedroom house, you might want to start counting the family’s carbs.

The 2 4 Olym ics (The 00 and p are still under construction)
*Even before the Olympic games open, Athens had an electrical blackout. This is actually part of their plan, if the lights are out nobody can see all the unfinished construction.

At this rate, the only light in Athens will be from the Olympic flame.

It’s all part of Athen’s anti-terrorism plan; you can’t blow something up if you can’t see it.

If I didn’t know better, and I don’t
The Tour de France has been crash laden. There are so many bodies lying around it looks like somebody yelled to the French crowd; “Drop and surrender.”

Since you asked;
We have these awesome neighbors, the Garretts. You can’t imagine a nicer, more vibrant, handsome and vigorous family. They are something out of a California Chamber of Commerce dream. Their young adult sons are big, buffed blonde surfers, but they are way too smart to say Dude every other word; the family is always involved with exciting projects, and events. In short, their life is like one big long beer commercial.

So when we have a great weekend, we call it a Garrett-like weekend. And that’s what we had. Saturday I ran thirty minutes and then Mark “The Snake” O’Connor helped try to fix my golf swing. Then it was off to a Point Loma block party hosted by the band I’ve been playing harmonica with, The Mitagators. (The name not my idea) If Norman Rockwell had been in California, he could have done the scene justice: gorgeous ocean sunset through palm trees and pearly clouds, kids laughing, barbeques smoking, dogs barking, band jamming. My daughter, Ann Caroline, got to see Dad play with a band for the first time. She even stood on stage and played the egg-shaker-thingy.

Next day was a La Jolla Shores beach party. I almost drowned during an ocean swim, surf kayaked for the first time, saw two huge leopard sharks – they don’t bite – and ate it in the surf about six times. It was a blast. Then my beloved Cubbies Sammy-spanked the Ratbirds to go into the All Star break with a win - which I am sure will turn their season around. All topped off with smoked, broiled and slow-grilled peach-sauce glazed baby-back ribs with a Cabernet. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Slats and Nuggies, sometimes the bear eats you, sometimes you eat the bear. This weekend, I am proud to report, was one long bear barbeque.