This really just in:

Did you see that shot of Enron’s Kenneth Lay in handcuffs? He looks like Elmer Fudd on an episode of “Cops.”


Former Chicago Bears coach and Levitra pitchman Mike Ditka may run for U.S. Senate in Illinois. Ditka isn’t all that savvy about the Senate. He thinks a filibuster is the active ingredient in Levitra.

This just in:
A South African man, Phillip Rabinowitz, set the world record for the 100-year-old 100 meter run. Unfortunately, afterwards, his Depends tested positive for steroids.

Bobby Brown was in court for hitting his wife Whitney Houston. Apparently Bobby and Courtney Love are in a heated game of Courtroom Musical chairs.



This how we do how we do up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bring the pain campaign
It now appears that John Kerry’s campaign got a six-point poll boost after announcing John Edwards as his running mate. When asked to comment on the six-point boost, President Bush misunderstood and said;
"That’s no big deal, that’s just two field goals.”

*John Kerry and John Edwards sure do hug a lot. Even staunch proponents of gay marriage are telling them to get a room.

Have you seen how much John Kerry and John Edwards hug? I think their campaign is called “The Public Display of Affection” tour.

Do you know Kerry and Edwards new slogan? "We're here, we're clear, the candidates that cuddle won't muddle."

Since you asked;
For a slight freelancer's fee, I have deal where I contribute to a local morning drive radio show as though a regular listener. This time they were doing a radio confessional bit. This a true story. Mostly.

Dear Radio Reverend:

After five years of inner torment, it is finally time I un-burdened myself.

During a very competitive mountain bike ride (read: Johnson-slamming contest) with my three buddies, I happened to be way ahead (sniff-of-cockiness) when I came to a rain-swollen creek. Luckily for me, there was a single rider just ahead of me and when he attempted to cross the stream, I saw that he completely submerged. Instead of the expected one foot of water, this crossing was somehow four feet deep, with an amazingly fast current, making it physically impossible to pedal through.

As fast as I could, I waded across, barely able to stand from the current, and then stood on the other bank waiting to aid my three trusted friends. They stopped at the top of the hill, looked down cautiously at the rushing brown water and yelled;

“Can we ride across?”

“Oh sure,” I bald-faced lied. “Just be sure you get a good head of steam. It’s only about a foot deep. If you pedal real fast, you can just splash right through. Come on, I did it, grow a pair."

Newly chastened, all three of them backed up the hill for momentum, pointed straight down and hit the creek with the most amazing explosive title-wave splash you could imagine; all three totally disappeared, leaving only bubbles at the surface.

As I was doubled over, spasmodic with laughter, I didn’t notice that they didn’t reappear. Now, slightly concerned, but still laughing hysterically, I got on my bike to look for them. Sure enough, about fifty yards downstream in a one-foot shallow, there they were, a scene funnier than any “Three Stooges” caper: a chaotic, squirming dog-pile of bodies and bicycles, smothered in slimy brown river mud, coughing out dirty creek water in-between cursing my soul. Sure, they tried to kill me, but I had a head start. (Picture: Gus riding from the Comanche's in "Lonesome Dove")

Honorable Radio Reverend, was this the safest way to treat my beloved and cherished friends? Probably not. But what’s the point of having great buddies if you can’t nearly R.F. them to death? Please forgive me.

Love your show like John Kerry loves to cop a hug with John Edwards:

Sinner Listener Lex