We steppin’ out wit da’ goood foot now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


New meaning to taking a boom*A man in Blacksville, West Virginia went into an outhouse, lit a cigarette and the outhouse exploded. The good news is he’s OK and he has a new endorsement deal with Metamucil.

Attention Deficit Whatever-it’s-called
*“Jeopardy” ace, Ken Jennings, has topped a million dollars in winnings. I could never win on “Jeopardy” due to my Attention Deficit Disorder. You know the interesting thing about Attention Deficit Disorder? Oh, who cares? Let’s talk about something else.

A good tipper
*Roger Clemens gave up six runs in the first inning of the All Star game and his catcher was his arch-enemy Mike Piazza. Why it almost seemed like those batters knew what the pitches were going to be? And why did the batters keep sneak-tipping Piazza twenty-dollar bills?

Afterwards Piazza held a press conference to announce he’s not a telegrapher.

Those batters treated Clemens like L.A. cops treat a surrendering car thief.

Almost like that
*Courtney Love goes from the courtroom to the hospital, from the hospital to the courtroom and then back to the hospital. It’s like she’s channeling for Bobby Brown and Dick Cheney.

Might be hope
*Cosmologist Stephen Hawking now says black holes may not be so dangerous and things can eventually escape from black holes. So there might even be hope for us in Baghdad.

The new France
*You know how you get the Philippine army to retreat? Ask them real nicely.

The Philippine army beat it out of Iraq because insurgents told them to. Even with the French at least you have to physically show up before they surrender. The Philippine army retreated from a sternly worded phone message.

What do you get when you combine the French Army and the Philippine army? An Olympic quality track team.

*The U.S. Marine who deserted in Iraq and later resurfaced in Lebanon has left en route to the United States. He’ll be questioned and then turned over to eventually become a General in the Philippine army.