Friday, December 12, 2003

What the fuzizzle my burizzle, and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

So he really is a gambler
*Kenny Rogers is having a kid at 65. You know how most baby’s first word is Da Da? Kenny’s kid’s first word is going to be Santa.

Hey Kenny, when it comes to changing diapers, you got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run.

‘Tis the F’ing Season
Did you hear that Democratic candidate John Kerry went caroling? He sang; “We wish you an F’ing Christmas” “Silent F’ing Night”, and “Deck the Halls with F’ing Holly.”

Mon Ami, part 93
*France is furious at us about being banned from re-building Iraq. This was the last straw. France was already furious at us for dangling a fake “Joe Millionaire” in front of them.

There has to be something we can do about France being furious at us. What can we do about France being so mad at us? What can we . . . I got it. I know: We can not give a rat’s derrière.

Multi tasking clothes
*George Foreman is coming out with his own line of clothes. George is also coming out with his own line of car covers and tents. And guess what? It’s the same line.

You my Brown-eyed girl
*Singer Bobby Brown has been charged with beating his wife Whitney Houston. It was bad, Whitney’s face was bruised, her lip was swollen, and her nose was stuffed up and constantly running. Oh wait, her nose was like that before he hit her.

ATV Ozzie
*It turns out right after his all-terrain accident, Ozzie Osbourne stopped breathing and had to be resuscitated mouth-to-mouth by a security guard. The good news is Ozzie is probably going to be OK. The bad news is that, after resuscitating Ozzie, the security guard has to go into rehab.

After his all-terrain accident, Ozzie Osbourne stopped breathing and had to be resuscitated mouth-to-mouth by a security guard. Doctors think Ozzie will be fine and there won’t be any permanent brain damage. Here’s my question: How could they tell if there was brain damage?

Ozzie is confused and is slurring his speech. In other words, he’s normal.

Can’t touch this
According to "The Hollywood Reporter”, a sitcom is in the works based on rap star M.C. Hammer’s life. I think it’s called “Joe Hundred-aire.”

I think the M.C. Hammer show is called “Everybody Loves Payment.”

I think the M.C. Hammer show is called “The Simply Broke Life.”

Shopping advice
*You know what makes a good Christmas present? A good case of wine. You know what would make a good present to the Santa Barbara D.A? A good case.

He shoots, he scores
*Kobe Bryant is the number one vote-getter in the Western Conference for the All Star game. It just goes to show, it doesn’t matter how well you dribble, it’s how much you score.

What are the odds?
*This was in the news. A woman cut off her husband’s penis while he was sleeping after she got a phone call from another woman. The amazing thing? The woman who called was Lorena Bobbitt.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Oh, it is on right now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, it is so on

Got something for that
*Singer Bobby Brown has been charged with beating his wife Whitney Houston. Brown slapped Whitney and cut her lip and bruised her face. Asked if she was OK, Whitney replied; “Don’t worry, I think I have something that will numb the pain.”

Apparently, after an argument, Brown slapped his wife in the face. Upon hearing that, Bill Clinton said; “You can do that?”

I did not have sex with that hand
In, sex counselor Patti Britton explains why men fall asleep after sex; after an orgasm, the hormone oxytocin is released which induces sleep. That’s why Bill Clinton doesn’t like Internet porn; he got tired of waking up with keyboard marks on his face.

(You can't tell from my jokes that Clinton has been out of office for almost four years, can you?)

Who would have guessed?
*Trista and Ryan got married on ABC. At the wedding Trista wore a pair of $150,000 diamond studded shoes. She doesn’t get to keep the shoes, Trista has to give them back to their owner, David Gest.

For Chanukah
*Have you started your Holiday shopping? Today I got Joe Lieberman a useful gift: a towel. He can cry into it and then throw it in the ring.

Woof field?
The San Diego Padres signed right-handed reliever Akinori Otsuka. At the press conference at Petco Park, Otsuka said he was happy to be in San Diego, but he only had one question: why did the Padres name their new park after a tasty entrée?

Oh, boo and hoo
*Canada, Russia and, of course, France have their undies in a twist over not being allowed to bid on Iraq reconstruction projects. Why don’t they get this? It’s simple: if you didn’t blow up anything, you don’t get to rebuild it. Why is that so hard?

In my opinion, I think they should reconsider and allow France to bid on the Iraqi reconstruction. After all, France is the world’s leading expert in rebuilding after humiliating military defeats.

Good thinking
*There is a lot of consideration to make hand-held phones illegal in cars, you have to use a headset. The headset is important, that way the driver has both hands on the steering wheel when they pile into you.

File this under: Those that got get.
In addition to her hotel inheritance, Paris Hilton stands to make ten million dollars this year in TV and advertising revenues. Let me give Paris a little financial advice: Paris, now that you have all that money, don’t be afraid to buy some panties.

In her show “The Simple Life” Paris Hilton gets a lot of criticism for being uninformed and spoiled. Let’s face it folks, if I was heir to the Hilton fortune, all I would know how to do is ring for the butler.

Since you asked:
Yes, Slats and Nugs, I know what you're thinking; Why hasn't the level of comic brilliance exhibited by this writer been rewarded in the form of a vast accumulation of wealth? Well, as the British say; "You may well ask."

(My tongue is firmly planted in my cheek . . . unlike Michael Jackson . . .)

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

We all crazy like ‘dat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rush ain’t holdin no mo’
*The Republican governor of New Hampshire launched programs to allow residents to buy lower-cost drugs from Canada. The Republicans had no choice but to turn to Canada, their U.S. drug source dried up when Rush Limbaugh cleaned-up.

That computer is amazingly consistent
*This just in: The BCS college football computer just decided that that Tristen should marry Jack Osbourne instead of Ryan.

Whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on
*Did you hear that there was an earthquake back east? People were shaking like Whitney Houston when Bobby Brown rolls up his sleeves.

A bruised and bleeding Whitney Houston called the police Sunday and said her husband singer Bobby Brown slapped her in the face. Why do they still call this Brown clown a singer? Isn’t he a full time drug-felon and wife-beater who used to dabble in singing?

Good move
*Britney Spears album “In the Zone” is doing well at #3. In fact, Britney’s album is doing so well that, in an effort to re-start his career, Michael Bolton asked if he could French kiss Madonna.

Like we care
*U.S. allies that opposed the war in Iraq were angered by the Pentagon's decision to bar their bids for Iraqi reconstruction contracts. Canada threatened to halt aid, Russia has implied threats, and France turned up their noses and insulted us. Oh wait, they always do that.

France, Germany and Canada are like my loud, drunk cousin Ronnie who went to my bachelor party and my wedding reception but he didn’t bother to buy a wedding present.

More BS, err, BCS
*Apparently BCS computer wasn’t done after picking the college Bowl games. Today the BCS computer picked Yoko Ono as the winner of “American Idol,” it named Madonna as the Oscar winner for best actress and it picked John Kerry as the Democratic Presidential nominee.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

This is how we roll up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good news bad news kinda thang
Al Gore endorsed Howard Dean. That’s gotta be like Martha Stewart giving you a hot stock tip.

I apologize ahead of this joke
*The USC Trojans beat Oregon State Beavers 52-28. In fact, Trojans haven’t pounded Beavers this hard since Paris Hilton’s last birthday party.

And also this one

*Clinton Portis scored five touchdowns for the Broncos. That’s the most a Clinton has scored since Bill interviewed White House interns.

How cold was it?
*How about that storm back east? People in New York were shivering like Glen Cambell five minutes before Happy Hour.

Mon Ami
*According to the Paris tourist office, tourism in Paris is improving slightly since the slump at the start of the Iraq war. In fact, for the first time in almost a year, more people were in the Paris Hilton than were in Paris Hilton.

*A Judge threw out all bribery charges against two former 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Games bid officials. I smell a rat. Afterwards, the two defendants thanked their lawyers, and their lawyers thanked Lawrence Taylor for sending the judge Tiffany and Heather.

Read left to right
*Chicago Cubs second baseman Mark Grudzielanek took nearly a 50% pay cut, from $5.5 million to $2.5 million, to stay with the Cubs. Grudzielanek can afford the pay cut for all the money he makes lending his last name out to eye charts.

Not to mention the ones under the White House desk
Bill and Hillary Clinton have both been nominated for Grammy Awards in the same category. I think Bill’s CD is composed of his greatest hits: The hit at the Hooters waitress, the one on the flight attendant on Air Force one, the stripper at the Las Vegas convention . . .

Stocking stuffers
If you are searching for a good stocking stuffer, you can’t go wrong with either Bill or Hillary’s CD’s. Glen Cambell said they make great drink coasters.