Saturday, December 06, 2003

We ain’t gonna be half-steppin up in this here throw down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Possum Juice
*West Virginia just became the last state to get a Starbucks. That has to hurt the state pride a bit. I think Afghanistan and Somalia got Starbucks before West Virginia.

They have a special drink at the West Virginia Starbucks, The Perky Cousin, it tastes good and keeps you fired up all day.

West Virginia just got it’s first Starbucks. That’s hard to believe. In Beverly Hills there are Starbucks that have their own Starbucks.

Arnold Wannabe
*In Michigan, an eight-year-old boy was accused of fondling his female classmates. In his defense, the kid claimed he wants to grow up to be governor of California.

It’s not unusual to be loved by anyone
*Everyone’s still talking about the Paris Hilton sex video, but a lot of celebrities have been in porn films; Marilyn Monroe did an old 16mm short, Sylvester Stallone was in a soft-core film, and in every movie she ever has been in, Madonna screws her career.

So there he is
*Did you hear about the Goodyear blimp that crashed in Carson? Nobody was seriously hurt. There it was, flying along doing fine, and then it crashed landed into a pile of manure. Who was flying that thing, Gray Davis?

Did you hear about the Goodyear blimp that crashed in Carson? Nobody was seriously hurt. There it was, flying along doing fine, and then it crashed landed into a pile of manure. Today they changed its name from “Spirit of America” to “Spirit of Keyshawn Johnson.”

Kinda like that
*Track and Field has proposed a lifetime ban for any positive steroid test. As opposed to major league baseball’s proposed plan, it suggests that, after the tenth positive test, a player gets a stern talking-to.

Strike three
*Barry Bonds testified to the grand jury that the packages he received from his personal trainer were just vitamins and supplements. Yeah, and Rush Limbaugh called all those doctors to talk about golf.

One of the obvious symptoms of steroid use is increased skull growth. If Barry Bonds honestly thought he was taking supplements, why didn’t he stop when his head got the size of a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float?

How big is Barry Bonds head? Barry Bonds bobble head doll’s head is made to scale.

All the best
Did anyone see “Trista and Ryan’s Wedding?” It has all the depth of “The Anna Nicole Smith Show” without the complicated story lines of Paris Hilton’s “The Simple Life.”

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Somebody in for some righteous jollification up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Where, exactly, is that other place?
*There was an embarrassing moment at the White House. A reporter asked President Bush how it felt to travel incognito on Thanksgiving. Bush replied; “We weren’t incognito, we were in Iraq.”

He thought coach had a Buick
*Oakland Raiders coach Bill Callahan called the Raiders “The dumbest team in America.” They asked a Raider player to comment on Callahan’s disparagement, and he said; “I didn’t know coach drove a Disparagement.”

A sure sign
*In an interview in “Newsweek,” Bill Gates said, because of the way he grew up, he thinks of himself as upper-middle class, not rich. Bill, when you have to use an ATM with a wide screen just so he can see your balance, you’re rich.

The Define-inator
*It looks like, thanks to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, the California driver’s license for illegal aliens will be repealed. That’s how dumb our lawmakers are: it took a former bodybuilder who speaks English as a second language to explain what the illegal in illegal aliens means.

Jack talks smack
*Jack Nicholson claims he has slept with over 2000 women but he fanaticizes about Britney Spears. Asked to comment, Britney said; “Like, ewwwww.” And then she ran and took a shower.

Jack Nicholson claims he has slept with over 2,000 women. Upon hearing this, Paris Hilton said, “Wow, what a coincidence, so have I.”

Goodie two-shoes
*Don’t you hate people who already have their Christmas shopping done? Those were the same kids in high school who finished their term paper before I could even decide how I was going to lie about not finishing it.

I bet Martha Stewart has her Christmas shopping done. Well, this year was easy for Martha: she bought everyone a box of Betty Crocker Cake mix, a file and a pre-paid Fed Ex box.

Monday, December 01, 2003

We all about the comedy up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You can’t just beat it
*According to the L.A. Times, Michael Jackson owes $200 million. Turns out he doesn’t have a nose for business either.

Admit it day
*It’s December 1st. Today is the day you officially have to admit you’re not going to lose the weight you promised to lose for your New Year’s resolution.

One or the other
*Tiger Woods’ fiancé was reportedly seen sporting a huge rock on her finger; so either she is engaged to Tiger Woods, or Kobe Bryant cheated on her too.

Good advice
*Britney Spears new CD is #1 but Michael Jackson’s greatest hits debuted at # 10. Let this be a lesson, if you’re about to release a CD, kiss Madonna, not a kid.

Good luck on that
*A British study claims that exercise is as addictive as booze, drugs or tobacco. Apparently exercise triggers a high in the brain that rivals anything else. Upon hearing this, Rush Limbaugh announced he would now begin training for the Olympic Decathlon.

Now that is sick
*Dozens of passengers came down with a stomach illness during an eight-day cruise out of Florida on the Carnival Cruise Lines ship. People haven’t been getting this sick on a Cruise Ship since Kathy Lee Gifford used to sing on them.

These people were sicker to their stomachs than the Michael Jackson jury will be after hearing the evidence.

How dumb is she?
*In her new TV show, critics say Paris Hilton appears even dumber than Jessica Simpson. For those keeping score, dumber than Jessica Simpson puts Paris somewhere between dumber than Anna Nicole Smith and smarter than a carp.

Shrewd buying

*There was a riot in Florida, one woman got knocked out, when a Walmart put their DVD’s on sale for $19.95. $19.95? I’m gonna wait until they pay me to buy a DVD.

Hut, hut, hike
*In his “Sixty Minutes” interview, All Pro linebacker Lawrence Taylor admitted that, the night before the game, he used to send hookers to his opposition to gain an advantage. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton challenged Taylor to a game of touch football.

Just got it
*I just figured out what Michael Jackson’s mug shot reminds me of: Jack Nicholson’s Joker after a year-long-fast.